Thursday, March 14, 2013
Relationship... What is that?
What a hot topic this one is in the rooms of our meetings. My first and only thought for the longest time, until just recently actually was the relationship of the romantic kind. I was either all for it or all against it depending on the stage my own romance was at. Last night I officially made the final break in my toxic two year roller coaster ride of a relationship with a man from the rooms. This was the third time I have 'officially' broken up with him. I won't go back on my word this time, I feel much differently about relationships through my understanding of the fourth step and the entire program.
Having the limited beleif that romantic relationships were the most important relationship in my life robbed me of some truly great relationships with other women, my children and my own mother and family. I was always so absorbed in a man that I lost sight of everything and everyone else... Including myself. The first relationship you need to build is with yourself. This is what the fourth step try's to teach us. By looking at our part in our relationship interactions we get to know who we are and how we communicate. I could not see any of that while I was trapped in a toxic relationship that was always keeping my entire being locked into his.
The freedom I experienced the last time we broke up for six months, I got to see how intolerant I am. How manipulative I am, and how closed minded I am. These things I could not see while a man was standing by my side telling me how great I was. I have had to stand in friendships without my man to hide behind when I didn't want to face a conflict. I have had to reach out to others in my times of need, lacking my man to comfort me. These have all been great truths in learning who I am and how I function within relationships across the board.
I find I have way more love and time to give to my children. I am sure they are all kinda creeped out by this new Hugh mom they have... Actually my oldest jokes about her party mom turning into 'nanny McFee'. It's a good feeling. I have gone out of my way to work through my resentments and uncomfortable feelings with my mother, healing very old dark wounds. I am gearing up to rekindle my relationship with my estranged brother. These are all things I did not have energy for when I was chasing my next compliment from my boyfriend.
I feel grateful and free today. This program hasn't given me my life back, it has given me a whole new life. I pray that more people find their ways to the 12 steps from whatever fellowship fits them. This world would be a much better place if we all fell in love with ourselves.