Saturday, May 30, 2015

It is Done.

Do we just see what we want to see?  Is the reality of the situation sometimes much different from our perceptions?

I had to call a friend to come stay with me this weekend.  I don't think my mind can be trusted to be alone even for a minute over the next couple of days.

Huge shift at work.   The 25 year old fling I had has now moved home.  My co-project manager has quit and one of our star crew chief's moved on to new things in his life.  All three of these guys's lasts days were yesterday.   I didn't make it through the morning.

The tears started at seven am and didn't finish until way late in the evening.   My mind on fifteen different tangents desperately trying to find a thought path that would slow the tears.  Nothing worked  Every path lead to a waterfall barricade.

So many things on so many levels were happening with those tears.  I am going to choose to narrow in on the one that is most relevant to this blog.  That of course would be my hang up of all things male.   So 25 year old Douche it is.

A lot of my time and thought has gone into what is love?  What is respect?  What does it look like to have a healthy relationship with a man.  I am certain that this fling was not with a healthy man but how can I be certain it wasn't love on a level him and I both understood it?   Or am I ignoring fifteen red flags and creating something in my mind that is not accurate.  Was he, and was I,  just caught up in each of our fantasies?  Or was it my circus he was visiting?

One thing with learning about the mind.  I learn how powerful and deceiving it can be.  How the mind can lead and trick you into beliefs that are not accurate.  To see situations that are not reality but fantasy in your own mind.  We see what we want to see.

I think the entire relationship I had with this guy was two totally separate scenarios playing out here.  They say communication is key if you want the relationship to grow.  When 25 and I would talk its like we were having two totally different conversations.  I am thinking that was a bad sign and perceptions were entirely off.   Or at least mine was.

Or maybe it was his.   I own every part of a failed relationship all the time in every situation.  The friend I have on thought management this weekend reminded me that some people are just douches and that's the end of it.   Did I really just hook up with a douche and I am trying to make it into some grande life altering lesson so that I can cover the fact I choose shitty once again??

This is where I don't need dope to escape reality and create my own scenarios anymore.  I can do it at will now.

Coming back to owning some stuff.  Its hard for me to think someone is that unkind just by nature.  I question if I hurt him really bad by sneaking out of his bed one morning and booking it home calling it quits on him later that day.  Because I couldn't take responsibility for my bad behaviour the night before.

 I am sure it was part of it.   However I think my bad behaviour stemmed from feeling him back off first.  That was the vicious circle I have been looping for over a month now.  I have beat this situation to death and I am exhausted.

But what was done was done and it doesn't matter cause he has moved back to Ontario and my life is now going to settle back into peaceful.   After I pick up the pieces and mend my work relationships.  I want to say it was a crazy fun ride but it wasn't.  It was just heart breaking.  from day one on.

This is why I beg the question,  Did I just see what I wanted to see?  Each time it didn't play out as I seen fit, well then I threw a fit.  When the relationship just kept disappointing me my heart cracked a bit more each time.   Do I create these relationships because I am still feeling like I need to be hurt?

Do I cause pain in them first so that they can retaliate and feed me what I know and understand? Betrayal?

I am tired.  Drained.  Done.

I have been here before.  In other areas of my life.  A bottom if you will.  A breaking point or a crossing of the line of what is acceptable and what is not.  A finish line we cross when enough is enough.

I am there.    Enough.  I am good.  Content.  All drained of angers and resentments.  All played out in the hurting arena.   I don't wanna play the game anymore.   I am ready to settle into peace again.  To regain my sense of balance and purpose.  To move forward back on my path free of my recent distraction.  Pit stop into pity lane is over.

Its funny because I am starting to blog on my work website.  I love to create words on the screen.  Its much different to write about landscape construction projects then it is to talk about the affairs and failings of the heart and mind.  Yet I tell our web designer all the time that I need a new writing outlet because creating these crazy dramas to have something to write about is getting a bit insane.

So I am thinking its time to give this blog a nice put to bed and start up a new blog on my very own website instead.    I think it is time to move into that arena.  I am tired and finally content.  I don't wish to hurt anyone anymore.  I don't wish to hurt unnecessarily anymore.

The defiantion of insantiy is doing the same thing and expecting different results.   Its time to change that now.

This is done.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Life After CHANGE

Coming back into myself.

What a process life is.  I love the process of life.  In my spiritual belief system there are ebbs and flows in the river of life.  Seasons change.   I just went through the birth of spring in all its glory and destruction.

I survived.

The witches calender Stops at Halloween.  That is the time of year that the harvest has all been pulled up and the ground freezes and everything dies back.  I like to look at it as the snow puts everything to sleep, slows everything down.  Winter is a time for contemplation.  A time to go within and asses what worked the last year and what didn't.  Its a time to make plans for the next year.

Spring is the time of year that everything wakes up and all the planning and assessing from the winter takes place.  Seeds are planted and the painful birthing through the soil occurs.   That my friends is where I am at.  Finally busted through the tough shell, through the cold earth up into the bright sun and refreshing air.

But let me tell ya, as with any growth period in my life it was not a pretty transition.  And I just about didn't make it, as many seeds don't.

Over the winter I was off work due to Burn out.  Last summer I didn't make it through.  My seed failed.   I fell into old patterns of coping with change, which is drugging and hiding out with toxic guys.  This year the same pattern emerged.

I planned all winter.  I brought my bosses on board with the promotion I was seeking and I received it.  I trained hard and I prepared myself to the best of my ability at the time.  I don't fully believe one can be entirely ready for anything in ones life no matter how much prep work and grounding they put into themselves before hand.  That's what is challenging about growth and change.  The seed still has to push through the shell on its own naturally no matter how perfect the conditions are.  Some people just don't have the Ego strength to push through.  I didn't last year.  I wasn't ready

When spring hit and my position at work went from making hundreds of calls a day to actually leading 12 guys through the delivery of the services I sold over the phone..... The shell burst wide open alright.  And chaos hit the fan!!

When one goes from what is comfortable, dark and cozy... to something totally different it feels like an exhilarating death.  Every single thing you once knew as your truth,  as your comfort,   as your stability..... gets ripped away from you violently.  With more preparation and plenty of guidance of course,  this can be a smoother transition.  For a girl like me,  that is obviously not the greatest with complete change,  its a bit of a dramatic affair.

And affair is what I am gonna have to get me through the change.  Affair with Dope, Affair with my rebellious teenage self.  Affair with the 25 year old hottie at work.

This is where I am learning about old fall backs that come into play for me.  I am comfortable with the toxic, highly emotionally charged Guy.  I am comfortable with the green ganga and the white powder.  Those are things I am familiar with in the world of complete chaos that I am experiencing.  I am okay with turning over the reins to my little Vixen.   I see why now when people get away from there chosen fall backs or bad behaviours they choose to stay seated exactly where they are and perfectly content with no more growth in life.  Its easier.  Its safer.

Its not easy to move through the cold, moist, even darker, almost suffocating soil.   Actually its down right fearful.  For me it is anyways.  I have no idea what I am gonna break through into.  Am I growing up into a beautiful well tended to garden or am I gonna burst through a pot hole on a busy city street??   That poor little seedling cannot know these things.

Preparation, intention and solid grounding before hand can definitely situate you in a better spot then a concrete pad however.  Thank the Goddess I did my prep work.  Hail fully to the Twelve steps!

However I did not come out of the dark soil without some challenges to over come.  I did get caught up in a toxic guy.  Probably the most energetically draining man I have ever come into contact with yet.  When ever I am in his energy field I can feel myself sinking way to comfortably into him.  With just one look from this guy, I am melting into a puddle on the ground, not a single resemblance of who I am left to identify.  Not good, Not healthy.  That is the largest obstacle in my path through the earth I have ever encountered in any of my growth experiences before.

Yet here I am blooming and enjoying the sun.

I was offered powder twice through my journey through the earth.  A little something something to get me through the toughest nights.  And I turned down the first time and completely ignored the second time.  That is an old pattern I refuse to fall into today.  Dope doesn't serve any purpose in my life today.  Their are absolutely no rewards I get from putting those drugs into my system.

It took me a bit longer to learn there are no rewards from the toxic guys either.  That instant feeling of attraction just like the first high you get from dope subsides far to quickly and the chasing of the dragon is far to exhausting for me today.  I need to place my energies else where.

Now that the spring is coming to an end the routine of summer is falling into step.  I am over joyed with the realization.... I did it!!!  I made it through!  I survived!   I am a blooming Tulip that worked hard to push through the challenges of growth and I have arrived in my glory.

Does it look like what I expected?

Nope not really.

I have made new friends along the way.  I have lost some dear friends along the way as well.  One thing I am definitely learning, that when one changes and moves into a whole new arena of life, everything changes.  Including people you love and cherish that you have to let go of because they are not ready to go where you are going.  Paths fork and people make different choices.  Its probably the toughest lesson in this life I have had to learn.  Moving from One phase of my life into another and continually moving forward means sevearl times, I will have to make that statement.... "only one thing needs to change, and thats everything".

I am still kinda nose down ass up moving forward so I havent even really had a chance to take in where I am at.  Last weekends camping trip with my daughter was the start of the, enjoy the rewards of hard work but brutal awareness of what I gave up in order to work hard, end for me.  So now its just a matter of allowing my self to adjust to this new life style and these new friends and be okay with feeling good about my hard work.

My new Journey......

I can cry for love.  I can work my ass off to be love.  Yet when love shows up to offer itself to me, I run away screaming.  This is where I am at now folks.  I need to let the plants I worked so hard to create actually be nurtured now.   That will be a whole new journey for me!!

And the process continues........

Monday, May 4, 2015

I'm the Love Clinger!!

Oh Baby.  I am back and it feels so good.

Letting go is the greatest freedom in the world.    I have been so consumed with my life and moving forward that I have forgotten about the things I love to do.  the things that fill my cup.  Everyone has a passion something that they love to do that brings them joy and a time out of life.  Writing here is my passion.

Yet when I get busy, when I get consumed with life, I forget to take time out to pursue my passion.  I wonder why that is?

Yesterday I wrote about getting caught up in a guy again.  It wasn't just a guy it was a couple of guys.  My infamous distraction in life.  I have contemplated about that today and I wanted to share what I discovered about my pattern of toxic men.

After I write something out it either feels right or it doesn't.  Last nights writing didn't feel right today when I re read it.   I don't love that guy.  I thought I did.  I think I really wanted to.  The desire to fall in love exceeding the warning flags that he wasn't the one to fall for.  Sad but true.  However that truth aside I am learning the difference between Love and Attachment.

I have attachment issues.

Duh.  All my friends are thinking.   How long and how many heartaches do I need before I catch on to what everyone else knows but me.  Hey, even these guys I have been getting caught up in told me I had attachment issues.  Damn even my beloved Boss shared with the current crush not to get involved with me cause I have attachment issues.  Where along the line did I not catch on to this?

Probably to blinded by the rage to prove everyone wrong.

I learn through experience is my excuse.  I am an adventurer, says one of the guys who claims to be my friend but who would crash on my couch and become my pet if I paid him enough. Oiy Vay.... The friends I keep.  Ugh.

Awareness is not enough.  To be aware I am broken is not enough.  To know that I have attachment issues is not enough to escape them, to overcome them or to tackle them to the ground and obliterate them.  No awareness is not enough.  It may be key to opening the door to work on the issue, but its not the end.

So now I know without a shadow of a doubt that I do indeed have attachment issues.  So to answer my own question from yesterdays post... have I never fallen in love before?  ......No actually, I don't think I have.  I have become attached to those guys that have allowed me to do so.  And in that willingness to let me cling to them I have called it love.  But that's not love.

I don't Love the guy that gets my heart racing.  He is not even remotely compatible with me, nor even close to my playing field.  Nor does he even want me.   I just wanted to fall in love and he was willing for a short time to let me cling.

With these new understandings comes a huge freedom.  I can let go of the need to attach myself to someone.  I am not ready to fall in love.   I have a house to hunt for and a Job that is keeping me completely absorbed and I love it like my own children.  I have a daughter that is so excited for our new house hunting project.  I have no space in my life today for love.  It was merely a distraction from the fear of stepping into a management position and a commitment to a house that pushed me to act out in old ways.

Old toxic boy patterns.  Not my style anymore.    Attachment issues.  I don't have time to work through them right now.  I have a career to build, a daughter to raise and a home to buy.  I need to refocus on what matters in my life and let go of those things that simply don't matter.... and well right now that is toxic boys that create heartaches for me.

Goddess love rain days.  I have had time to slow down and see the truth of what I was creating to keep my energy up.  Drawing off men is like eating cake everyday expecting to lose weight.  Time to go within and draw from the source that will create the future I want..... and omg, I am so close I can barely believe I am almost there.

A house of my own is my focus.  Stopped, reassessed and now redirecting!!  Home sweet Home!!

Thanks for sharing this with me.  I love you and wish you the best time of your life right now!!

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Reflection in the Shattered Mirror

Why is it that once a guy enters the picture I lose all self control?

 Like a dog in heat, a bitch losing all sense of loyalty to her dearest owner when a Verile male mutt struts into the room.    Single focus, a chemical takes over my body, mind and spirit and all I can smell, taste, feel and think is.... omg!!   He is so hot I want him...... forever......right now!

Its happened again folks.

You would think all the work on self care and all the work and writings and journallings and self reflections..... I would simply be able to flow through the process of falling in love.  But nope not this girl.  I kick and scream at anything new presenting itself in my life.  All the good is as equal as all the bad, if its something unfamiliar to me.

Have I never fallen in love before?

Did I not love my husband?   I am sure I was in lust with him in the beginning.  I am certain after 17 years we grew to love each other deeply.  So then why now when I connect with a guy that has the potential of being something more then a friend do I lose my shit and sabotage it before it can grow into anything worth while??

My therapist says I choose guys that are emotionally unavailable to me for a reason.

All my friends are always telling me I am not ready for love yet.  I could never really understand why they would say that.  I don't need a man to take care of me.  I got that covered on all fronts.  I am completely self sufficient.  I want a man to share my life with now that I have so much to offer.

Do I really have whats needed to be offered yet though?

This last escapade with a... OMG. so HOT, like drop dead make my panties wet whenever he looked my way kind of hot .......guy, showed me that I might not be ready for this kind of love relationship yet.

The minute it started to get a bit deeper then a friendship I went squirly and broke up with him.  But only because I was smothering him out of fear of losing him.  That's crazy insecurity.  He brought out every single issue I have ever had in my entire life.  Looking into his eyes was like looking at my entire life flashing before my own eyes.

I understand in my reality that when you become intimate with someone it is like looking in a mirror and if you have cleared up your stuff then you love what you see.   I loved what I saw but I also seen the closet full of bags.  The running type of bags.  I know them all to well.  The baggage you bring to a relationship because you just cant seem to shake it no matter how many years of therapy you have paid for or how many trips into drug rehab you have.

I am a broken girl.

Broken girls get left behind or give up on ever finding a man that will be able to withstand the shattered image in the mirror.  Some things cannot be fixed in this life time.  I have mastered my career.  I am a great mother.  I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished.  Yet underneath is still a very very hurt woman when it comes to relationships both with men and women.

I know I am not unique.  I understand fully we all have a story.  I also in my years in this world have come to learn through experience that some of us are much more wounded then others.

The incredibly beautiful male that is sniffing around my world right now is a pretty wounded man.   I am so in love with his woundedness.  Every time he opens his mouth regardless what comes out I seem to fall deeper in to him and his world.  With every interaction we have no matter how frustrating or how incredibly breath taking I sink deeper into his wondrous energy.

As I continue to walk into his light, I know in the deepest part of my heart he is walking toward my light and experiencing the same fears and the same sabotages and the same pull backs.  We are both empaths I can feel it.  We both react more to each others subtle energies then our words.  Its what confuses us the most.

Yet with all this wonderful knowledge and understandings, I still come into the this page full of heart ache and frustration over losing myself once again.  Between my 19 hours a  day job and this glorious man, I have had no energy to refill my cup.

Ask me when I meditated last?  Ask me how many days ago its was when I chose a glass of water over a McDonald's coffee?  Ask me how many minutes I have spent with my daughter in the past month?  Working out, yoga, you ask??  Ya non existent.  Self care has lost its entire meaning in my life today and I am struggling to get it back again.

I am not being hard on myself which is a huge change for me.  I get that I am in an incredible movement phase of my life.

I have been made manager of a busy landscaping company.  I am managing four crews of three guys in each right now.  That makes for long days but huge rewards in teaching, guiding and directing these amazing guys to not only meet my expectations but exceed them on a daily basis's.  My clients are giving me best ever reviews.  Yes my career has taken off, my incredible pay checks are a testament to that.  A huge difference to six months ago thats for sure.

I have been a approved for a mortgage!!  So one of my long held dreams is about to explode into my reality.  No co-signer, no man..... no help but my own hard work and dedication to my finances.  I am defiantly in a huge movement phase of my life.  I have moved into a new circle of Friends that are progressing not only my dreams but my own self growth to heights I never dreamed possible for myself.  I am defiantly moving along on a speed highway.

So I understand that my self care has taken up the back seat... well, more like plastered to the back window like a fly splattered on the inside!!  And now I have to give mouth to mouth to that little splattered fly.

It was my self care that got me to the place I am at.  It was daily mediation that helps me see the lessons in my life.  Its in the silence that I hear the guidance for my next step.  Its through Yoga that I release the trauma energy trapped in my tissues.  Its from water that the toxins slowing my mind down are washed away with.  And it is through spiritual connection that I find grounding and peace amongst the storm.

I cannot move forward with this glorious man or any man for that fact if I am not grounded and doing the things I need to in order to release the issues that are sure to show up in my cracked mirror.  I believe the main reason people avoid falling in love is they cant stand to see there own reflection.  I have a growing love for myself and want to see myself fully in the eyes of another person.

It might not be this person and I might have some more work to do now that I have been blind sided by some crazy stuff, but I will do the work  because falling in love is the last thing on my list to accomplish for this incredible growth period of my life.

Then by Goddess, I will be ready for a rest period!!