Sunday, December 29, 2013

Hush little baby, go to Sleep.....

What does ascension mean to you?  The process of awakening?

Its not always the pretty process that you hear about, in all the hype to get on board with this wondrous movement.  If your not in the process of awakening or are choosing slumber this is not a post for you.   Peace.

......But hello to those of you who are choosing the path of ....... i don't even know what.

When I started this blog and I named it addiction to ascension I knew what it meant because of all the books I had read about ascension and awakening.  I knew that's the path I wanted to travel and so began my journey here.  I really did not fully understand what it meant to be awake or what that looked like to me.

As with all my manifestations I am mildly to majorly shocked when they become real in my world.  They never seem to be what I had expected, some are very disappointing and others are over the top to what I had expected.  Awakening is no different.   I am feeling both sides of the spectrum.

I cannot fully define for you what awakened looks like.  I started a page up top about what addiction looks like in relation to being asleep, in a coma.   I cannot yet define being awake other then what others have wrote about it or shared their experience of it.  The first real good information I have received was recently through a netflix documentary about this guy that woke up one day seeing spirits.  He shared three years of his life as he struggled to understand what was happening.... he was awakening.

As I wake up more and see the world I live in clearer, I also see myself clearer.  I can observe the idea that I went into addiction, drug related addiction to numb out my already awareness that our society is fucked.  That I was fucked.  Most of us are tranced in to believing that toxins are healthy and social acceptability is the only way to survive.  Now that I am more clear sighted I can see that this is the money makers ways of keeping us eating out of their hands and I could launch into a huge conspiracy theory.  But I don't want to launch into that.  How does that make me happy?

The more I awaken to the way the outside world works the more I want to go back to sleep.  The more I Can recognize the truth in people the more horrified I am to learn that some people are not all good underneath.  As my rose colored glasses are removed I feel blinded by the reality we create as a collective.

This is not a place I want to live.

I am tired of reading how my food is killing me and tired of talking about it myself.  Or how the government is corrupt, or how dental procedures are leading cancer in this world...... or how stepping out of my own fucking door will some how lead to me being horribly infected with some kind of zombified gene.  Half of this shit is media lead fear and the other half truth.

 I call bullshit on it all.  Feeding into this energy is not the answer.  Participating in it is not the answer.  Buying into it is not the answer.  Ignoring it is not the answer either.

I am  learning that going deeper into the alpha state of consciousness on your own will, awakened, not tranced by outside influences unknowingly, you can find your own answers and understandings to what it means to awaken.  Finding your own answers within your silence.  Going within is how I am learning to shield out the illusion of this toxic world.  Shielding out is what I need to do at this present moment.  I need to find a way to take cover  and regain my balance to find my own understanding to what is going on in my outer reality.

In the past I drugged, ate and blissed out to numb the harshness of this reality.  It was all forms of keeping myself asleep and away from the truth.  Its not an easy path to walk into full awakening, it takes courage. Marianne Williamson says..Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us

I can see that now.  It's easier to stay numb to the truth.

I am learning to de-hypnotize myself to the trance state I have been inducted into.  I am learning to turn my attention inwards and focus there.  That is what the 12 steps taught me as well as my courses and studies of recent.  When our inner realities are calm our outer worlds are as well.  I believe this and have experienced it.  What I am diving into now is a new layer of this.

As I go deeper into myself I see how parts of me are darker and create some of that conspiracy in the collective conscious that we all see together.  That truth has been really really tough for me to handle.  This is part of the awakening that they don't share in the books and movies.  You are part of this reality we all share.  If you see the shit out there..... guess what your probably creating some of it within.

I am coming across character defects that definitely wreak havoc on the world around me.  My inability to accept change is one of them that creates a vibration of dissonance around me.  I see my negative energies most clearly reflected in my children.  When things are good within me, my relationships with my children are harmonious and the way they behave is in like fashion.  When I am struggling internally with something, my relationships are a bit more rocky and the way my kids behave is more challenging.

This ripples out to their friends and my friends and so on.  That's one of the ways I effect the collective reality.  My thoughts and feeding into the toxic sludge is the other way.  What we focus on becomes reality.  If all we see and think about is how our society is fucked then thats what we are gonna create more of.  What we put our energy into grows.  I have been putting all my energy into going back to sleep.  Hiding from life, from my own light.  I don't want to do the work.  I am being resistant to change and not dealing well.

This is part of the awakening process they don't tell you about.  How hard it is to see the truth and rise above it. To get to your own inner light you must do the work and face your own inner darkenss.  To see the world and people for what they really are and still be able to dig below all the shit and find the small spark of the divine living there underneath.  To be the light in a room full of darkness and to be able to hold that as you can clearly see the demons that lurk around you.   That's the test of real light.  That is the true nature of sharing what you have been given.  I easily hide in the darkness hording my light as its takes much less courage then facing those demons and exposing them for what they are..... just shadows.

On a flipside....One of the things that drew me into drug addiction was the over the top focus to hold your light, always be in the light, share your light.  Gag me.  To be in your light all the time is perfection and well let me tell you about trying to live from that place.  If you can do it, your fake and not being honest with yourself.... which truthfully is another form of staying asleep, you just found a healthy place to nap.  We all have that darkness within us... the truest truth is coming to understand that even the darkness is part of the light.

I have traveled parts of my life path in total darkness and reveled in it.  I have traveled other parts in the full brilliance of light and was blinded by it.  I think my current understanding is to be able to marry both paths into one and let the grey/silver path be my entire truth today.  That is what I will put my energy on... balance and the child who wishes to no longer sleep her days away....

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Turning Control Inwards

Am I the only one that ignores her intuition?

Learning to define what is my higher self/Greater then Consciousness voice and what is my dark Lady Vixens(My dark self), has been a real tough lesson for me this past year.  Yesterday's ignoring and today's price just proves that I am still trying to control the outcome of my reality.

A new layer of the control onion has been peeled.  Knowing this is one of my terrible character defects, judgement of others,  I have worked hard at allowing people around me the space to be who they are.

This has been the toughest in area's where my children are concerned.  Allowing my kids to behave the way they need to in situations has been challenging(of course within boundaries). In the past I have had to actually leave the physical space of somebody that was going against what I felt was the 'correct way'.  I am much better now and rarely have to leave the room to allow someone their own space.

The new control that I seek is the way of my higher power.  I have come to know what her voice sounds like and what it feels like when she is communicating with me.  Where Lady Vixen burns hot in my chest, My higher power seems to come more from my tummy region.  Where Lady Vixen creates chaos in my thinking, excitement and panic.  My greater then conscious creates an inner knowing and serenity.  Lady vixen invokes infatuation, Higher self invokes deep love.

It was my Higher Self that urged me to push the cord in a bit further, she gently told me that it was not connecting yet and the truck wouldn't start in the morning if I didn't work a bit harder on getting the two electrical points to meet.  I seen sparks in the cord endings and worried about getting zapped.  I decided that it was good enough and walked away, leaving my work truck unconnected on one of the coldest winter nights we have seen yet this winter.  Even through out the evening until I fell asleep I thought often about that truck not starting.  Just after I fell asleep I received a text from a friend inviting me over.  Had I been awake and gone I would have juiced my truck enough to get me running this morning, and even given myself another chance to plug it properly.

The outcome:  My truck is dead of course.  Over ten centimeters of snow out there to remove and I am stuck here waiting for the world to wake up so I can get a boost.  What was the point in ignoring my Higher self?  Why did I ignore her, when I knew exactly what the outcome of such an action would prove?  Laziness?  Control?  Maybe something deeper that I am unaware of at this point? (but I won't go down that path in this post)

With my spare time this morning, I went into meditation to seek my answer.  What I got was my need to control has moved from an outward obvious place to a more subtle quiet place.  Within the confines of my own psyche, my own reality.  I am now waging war on my Higher self.  It's no longer the outside world that is getting the brunt of my need to be right, in control and reigning power.  It's my own light that I want to reign power over.  My battle has moved to the Source.

Self Sabotage.  This is the disguise it will play under.  Some would say that the cord incident was secretly self sabotage.  As I look around my messy home and over my expanding body, I would tend to agree.  Feeling the lack of energy as I try to keep my own light from shining.  How odd is that?  I never intended this post to go in this direction and I can see that I could write for another hour just on that train of thought alone.  An hour which I guess would be well spent while I wait for someone to come along and boost me on a cold and snowy Saturday morning.

But alas it's not the point I am trying to make.  It was simply to be a post about the subtle ways we ignore our inner voice and the not so subtle consequences of that.   Had I just plugged in the cord as I was urged to do in that moment, I would be well into my days work and looking forward to getting done to spend time with my babies over this holiday season.

It seems I have some deeper work cut out for me though.  The next few weeks should be interesting in this little mind of mine.  Happy snow trails my friends, keep warm!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Xmas Eve Jitters

Christmas Eve.   The one day of the year as a child I was over the top happy.  What child that participates in Christmas is not in great spirits today?  It is the day Santa comes and fulfills their wishes.  Their little dreams are manifested today.  ( I could go a whole different direction with this post today just on that last line alone, but I need to work through some feelings instead. Next Year)

I have finally figured out why I am not a bowl of roses on this occasion.  It was always right under my nose and I missed, again.     Change,     chaos,      and walking through new experiences.   These three things always put me into a place of uncomfortableness that brings about a chain of reactions that lead me to a place of ill feelings.  Feelings over exaggerated as I used to do with my thoughts.

I have been shit kicking myself these past few weeks because my emotions have not been congruent with the actions in my life.    My feelings have gotten increasingly sour where I felt they should have been growing with excitement.  My body has become more lethargic where the environment has called for more energy.  My home has become a bundle of excited happiness, where I have grown dark and brooding.  Not congruent at all with what is occurring around me.

Why is that?

Change.  So simple and disgustingly obvious.  I still struggle through change even though...I thought I was more aware of it.  I don't understand why I struggle so much with the simplest of disruptions in my life, but I do.  I figure it's probably because I do not have a good enough foundation yet to be able to sway like an oak tree through these Chinook winds.

So what are the changes that have my feathers ruffled?

The holidays throw off my work schedule.  I like routine with the hours I work. Actually it`s better said that I NEED routine hours.   I love the change in duties when the seasons change, but I need the solid structure of hours within the day.  With winter, I work at 4am when the snow flies and 9am when it doesn't.  That in itself has been bothering me.   I just now realize.  But this week with Christmas  upon us, I have worked more chaotic hours and I worry about my paycheck.  That is ill feeling number one.

The second nagging emotion demanding to be acknowledged is the situation around my Christmas tree.  My son is here for the holidays!  I have all three of my children under my roof at Christmas this year.  It is the first year since the split with my husband that this is so.

I can't even begin to identify the feeling that brings up.  Reservation.  Holding my breath.  I don't know what it is that I am afraid of.  I feel sad, it feels weird, I don`t really know how to respond to the emotion.  Everything feels kinda alien to me.

..... Wait I am incorrect about the first Christmas with them.  There was another Christmas I had them and it was a terribly painful one.  I forgot about that one two years ago.  Only just this moment did that memory resurface.  Wow.  That is odd.  I blocked that Christmas out because it was really rough for me.

This is only the second Christmas I have had with my kids since the split.  It`s not nearly as painful as that first one, but now I know why I have the apprehensive feelings around this holiday.  It`s not only the fact of the split between my ex and I, I have to work through the trauma`s of that last Holiday with them.  Maybe work through is a bad term, more just acknowledging is enough.

There is something even more basic surfacing for me.  I miss the big celebrations we used to have as a family.  I started the post about my own happiness around the Holidays.  I miss that young innocent happy.  No matter what was occuring in my life at that time, this holiday was the one time of year that all my pains faded for a couple days.  I miss that.  It seems as an adult this is the one time of the year that draws up all the pains.  Odd.

Creating new traditions and new experiences gets tougher as you get older I think.  I have so many memories that are over the top good and as time goes on it gets harder to match and beat those memories.  Learning a new way to settle into the now and accepting the moment for what it is and comparing it with the past less I guess could be a lesson to learn here.  And truly I am not saying I have not made even better memories in my adult years.  Last new years turning our spare bedroom into a tent fort was the way coolest new years I had ever had.

I have been living in the past these few weeks.  I haven`t been in the moment, in the now with my kids.  I have so many cool gifts to give them that didn`t break the bank.  I have a wonderful meal planned out for my mom and family.  I have a wonderful day of lights and skating today planned.  Life is truly marvelous and I am missing it because I am indulging feelings from the past that won`t manifest again...... unless I keep feeding them my power.

To acknowledge and accept my feelings is the toughest lesson for me.  It is the simplest way to release them, to remove their power.  I am learning my feelings just want to be noticed not relived every time they tweak.  Gentle reminders of past paths, a subtle protection beacon.  Notice and let go.

This is my notice.  Christmas`s without my Ex husband are different.  There is some sadness in that, and well now that I am willing to look, there are some really cool goods to that.  We do Xmas MY way! lol   My other notice is that I have a wicked kickass job that has such a flexible work schedule that I can take the days off before Christmas to enjoy my son.  I have banked time and holiday time that I can draw from and my boss would never ever let me struggle finacially.  I have a great job.

I am entirely grateful.  That I see now is what I was losing by indulging my feelings the way I used to let my thoughts run me.  A whole new process cycle with these stinking feelings.  Oh YAY.

So now that I have worked through all that here with you.  Thank You, I feel tremendously better.  I feel free to enjoy the rest of this holiday with my kidlets knowing that My greater than consciousness(higher power) will always take care of me.

Merry Christmas to All!!!!  Happy Blessings to you in your own journey`s and processes.  I send a copiuos amount of love and gratitude to you for reading this today.  I wish you, your dreams manifest this evening of magic.  I Love You!!

Monday, December 23, 2013

A BaMbling RamBling.

My attention span is that of a newt again lately.  My emotions are this black hole into the abyss.  I am feeling totally not at ease with life.  Could it just be the Christmas season?  Could it be me walking through my own self imposed fears about moving back into what I know is comfortable, thus proving the one step forward and two back analogy?

I know that the holiday that over takes my culture is upon us.  Being sensitive to the energies around me I can feel the elevated happiness as well as the elevated stress levels.  I have not learned how to block this out yet.  I can't seem to hold my attention long enough to practice any of the techniques I know would ease my energy fluctuations.  Is that the part of me, the fear part of me that wants to take advantage of the situation and play sabotage?

You know, I have been listening to Alan Watts on youtube and he made it so simple for me that I think my life would become boring if I were to focus on his simplicity of life.  He made a statement about how us humans complicate everything with our own thoughts.  I agree that my over active imagination definitely does spin my logic upside down causing my Virgo analytical mind to implode on what can be a daily basis for me.  But where would I be without that trait?  Boring.

Living through pure instinct is what I desire in my world.  One of the things I heard much of in the rooms of NA was how the drug brought us to animalistic levels of existence.  Eating out of dumpsters to survive.  That level of desire to live is the intuitive nature that I seek.  I obviously do not want to have to eat out of dumpsters and thief my way to it though.  I would love for my mind to just slow down and let my instincts rule my world.

I have wonderful role models in my life that do live from this place of intuition.  A few of my friends even go against societal norms to follow some of their intuitions.   So I am blessed with a path being paved to a simpler easier way of life.  Why do I struggle to take it though.  Why do I desperately want to 'figure' things out?  What would I write about if I wasn't trying to understand everything?

I have way more questions in my current state of manifestation then I do answers.  Like should I go to work today or not?  My son is here visiting, whom I haven't spent time with in a long time, but I need to make a paycheck.  But they are calling for lots of snow right after Xmas.  All these decisions to make.  All these questions to answer.  My life would be so much simpler if I just got out of my head and into my heart.

Don't you think?

 Does it dizzy you to read my writing sometimes?  It dizzies me to go back and read it sometimes.  This one will for sure dizzy me.  I think I only wrote today to suggest you read yesterdays post.  I couldn't link it to facebook because the picture was cropped too suggestively and I can't figure out how to change that...yet.

I want this blog to be real.  I don't want a blog full of get out of your shitty feelings modalities.  I want to share that shitty feelings are normal and even healthy.  Sitting in them and creating illness in the body is not healthy, but accepting them as a part of who you are is healthy.  I have run from my shadow side for so long that it is almost painful to accept it as part of me.

Anyways.  I have no idea what this post was meant to accomplish.  Just a rambling for today I guess.  I am planning on writing up an new page at the top of this one, beside the who am I page.   About what addiction is.  In the future I plan to write one about Ascension as well.  I encourage you to check those pages out as well.

Peace Out my friends.  And Merry Christmas to those who practice that faith.  Happy solstice that just past to those who participate in that.  And Happy Hanukkah to those that play there.  And happy whatever you believe at this time of the year, or not believe....  Peace to All.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

FoCus FeeLings FicKle as F#%K!!

Feelings.  Frustration. Anxiety.  Imploding within my little skull.  What we put focus on magnifies under the
little circular glass, catching fire and burning at our inner peace.  Learning to embrace these feelings.  Learning to bring them into the light via love.  To sit in them has been toxic, the hard way to learn my truth.  I want to choose and easier softer way.

I am learning that what we put focus on grows sometimes to extraordinary levels.  Things that are new in my world are exaggerated beyond measure.  The inner critic swoops in at these times and makes a mess of my blissful play ground.  That voice that tells you that your doing it wrong.  That your not worthy of this new path.  The inner whispers that feed off your doubt and question your every step in a new direction.

No wonder many people stay doing the same things for their entire lives.  Everywhere we read how blissful change is.  Yet we don't read nearly as much what one needs to go through in order to incorporate that change.  Self esteem is lacking, change is challenging.  Eradicating that inner critic is a no choice must.

But that is a side note and not for the topic I wish to pursue.

Feelings are new in my reality.  Feelings are being exaggerated and over stimulated.  I feel like this huge ball of feeling tentacles that are being constantly zapped with energy.  I feel feeling fried.  I didn't even know what anxiety was to me until a bout a month ago and now I can recognize it almost every day cursing through my veins.  What came first the chicken or the egg?  Power of suggestion working it's magic or just a new truth about who I am.  I have some issue's with anxiety.  I worry about everything.

Have I been doing my meditations?  Nope.  Why is that?  Oh I am sure its the inner critic that has me balking at this new life and how good it can get.  Make it harder she trains me to believe because I am not worth the good it can get.  Self esteem.  I came nose to nose with a moose the other morning at work.  Never seen one up close before.  Rushed home pulled my medicine cards, moose means.....  Self esteem..  Self sabotage is what I am doing.  

Or am I just taking a break from a way in which I control my emotions to learn to love them into the light instead?

Frustration when things don't go my way.  Learning how to hand that over to my subconscious, my higher power.  That part of myself has become amazingly apparent in my reality recently as well. Subconscious/greater than conscious/higher power.   I give her a memory and ask her to take it.  I help her put the memory on paper, crumple it up and throw it into the trash.  Feelings attached to said memory... puff, gone.   No longer available to draw upon at all.  Amazing stuff this Alchemy Trance course is.

Where are all my good feelings?  In a cycle right now.  We are always in  cycle.  This one is a shadow one for me.  Does that mean I need to be miserable?  No, not all the time.  I do feel miserable a lot of the time though.  Just in this cycle.  Learning what needs to be changed in my world through these not so positive feelings.  Learning how to love these feelings and accept them as part of who I am.  Acceptance is something these feelings have never had from me.  Just distraction and ultimate avoidance.  Or just expression in unhealthy and even healthy forms, but never just acceptance.  

Bringing that dark to the light.  That is the path I have invoked for myself this upcoming year.  Marrying my shadow with my light.  Embracing that dark side of myself and accepting it as part of myself.  Finding balance in between the two instead of constantly swinging the pendulum.  I cannot be all good all the time.  I cannot be all bad all of the time.  I have tried both ways and sustained them each for several years.  To painful.  

Walking through my feelings.  Into a new phase of my life.  Everything is new and grossly uncomfortable.
 But a deep knowing that this will lead to blessings unknown to me yet.  Clearing some of the shit I have refused to face in my life.  Walking through the emotions I have ran from my entire life.  And getting comfortable with embracing both sides of myself.

Safe and secure.  It is time.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Caio Bella, This 'B' is Out!

Full Moon In Gemini is Upon us. The End of the Year is rounding the corner. It is definitely time to clear out the old and make way for the New. As a Practicing Wiccan I get the benefit of having already started my inner clearing back at Halloween time. So for me it's time to take a look at what is being communicated to me and how I am expressing myself. (Moon in Gemini)
Seems very fitting that I am forced into a new path here in my blog. Seems I can only access my posts to write through HTML and no longer Compose. The latter version of entry is much simpler then this way. I need to find codes for paragraph breaks and others things I am about to learn(like no spell check!!). This is an example of moon in Gemini. The twins force us to look at new forms of communication.
Beyond the minor(major for my inner minds village of crazies)technical difficulty the full moon is also bringing up some other stuff for me. I find my dreams are centering on people from my past that influenced some pretty negative path choices. I am also feeling the uncomfortable realization on how much I rely on outside stimuli for my state of happiness.
Light is being shed on the truest fact that in the past I have been a floater. I have been easily swayed by the slightest nudge in whatever direction I was moved in. By whatever caught my fancy in that moment.
Let me broaden those last three statements. Past influences coming back to haunt me. Understanding I have been living through my Ego. I have been easily Lead by others. Writing those out shows me that the last two points are actually the same point just a different perspective. So I will focus on just the first two I guess.
I have been dreaming about a couple of friends lately that I have had in the past that I traveled down dark roads with. I have had a few also resurface in my peripheral vision as well. I am feeling really uncomfortable with these visitations. Just having these people near me brings me back to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. It's these type of people that I am so easily lead by.... Oh look at that! Looks like all three points tie into one another... huh.*Shrugs shoulders*
This is why I write, for my own revelations. Moon in Gemini also brings many Aha moments.
None of these people that are surfacing are demanding my attention. It's not a matter of having to face a situation head on, but more of an awareness just for me. Seeing now that the true learning is in the understanding of how easily I have been lead in the past and how much I derive my inner well being from the acceptance of people/things outside myself.
The past few weeks I have been in funk. Feeling really shitty actually. I couldn't really put my finger on it until recently. Yesterday grocery shopping I ran into an old male, let me interject here, a hot male acquaintance. I felt this guy notice me before I noticed him. I could feel someone looking at me, you know that gentle tingle you get when someone is trying to get your attention? I turned to see this guy staring at me. I smiled, said 'hi' and respectively turned back to what I was doing. But I could feel him watching me for the next several minutes as we were both going through checkout lines.
That was all the interaction we had but I could tell he was checking me out in a much more sexual way. That thought made my entire day. ....and night but I won't go there. lol This morning as I thought of it again I suddenly realized that I felt happy again. Very quickly followed the realization that I am still seeking my happiness outside myself. I am still depending on others for my inner state. I am still allowing myself to be lead.
Moving away from groups that influence me has been a tough move even if it has opened my awareness. Awareness has to move into acceptance, where I am embarking into now. Then I need to move into action, that's the tough part. It means I need to learn new ways to bring my own happiness. I need to learn healthy ways to bring me happiness.
I have ranted this entire blog how I have become addicted to all the ways I have found happiness myself. Food/Sex/drugs/romantic partners. I have yet to begin to dig into the ways in which I must seek now. What my dreams have been telling me and what my higher power has been flashing me is all the other ways in which I have also depended on people for my happiness too.
Losing weight brought about a tremendous amount of notice from the people around me. Everyone I came in contact with made comments about my weight loss. I thrived on that. When I quit dope, to surrender and come back meant lots of notice, reinforcement and extra love. I thrived on that. I have cycled the weight loss euphoria twice and the drug relapse a few more counts then that. I can see why now. It feels good to be noticed. It feels good to have people make comments like that to me.
I think this is why many people chronically relapse, or why people gain back their weight only to lose it again.
Why did I love my job so much at the weight loss clinic? Because my clients told me daily how awesome I was, I received countless gifts for my services. I was sucking mountains of happiness out of those kick backs. Today where am I getting that kind of feedback? I struggle through my job. The only feedback I get is when something needs to be fixed or corrected. Then I know I have done something wrong, no news is good news in my line of work. But for my little mind I need positive reinforcement..... constantly. Terribly depressing.
So all this wonderful information popping behind my eye balls, what do I do with it? How do I derive this same kind of excitement and happiness from my own comments to myself and from my own sexual stares??? How do I turn myself on?
That will be for another post because I am tired of writing. I am bored with this post. I am just plain cranky now. And I know the answer, I just wanna stew in the last remains of my ignorance.
Trudging the Happy road to destiny. Ciao Bella's

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Whats Love got to do with it??

How does one learn to love themselves? 

This has been a question I have battled with for several years.  I remember being told many years ago that \i needed to learn to love myself first before any of this good that I was seeking could come to me.  I desperately began to seek what it meant to love myself.  The search was frustrating.

Today I find I slip in and out of self love.  I love myself but definitely with some conditions.  If I eat poorly I cut the self love supply off.  If I make a negative choice or allow negative emotions to over take me, the love gets withheld.  If I indulge in anything not purely pure then that love supply is removed as punishment.

I am now using this new found self love I have as a way to keep myself in check.  The hungry little addict desperate for just a morsel of that pure feeling of Love, I will do anything for it.  Then when I realize I am being manipulated, I rebel and my fuck you attitude attacks.

All within the confines of my own simple mind.... like wtf?   I have a full village of crazies living inside my skull.

Why am I even ranting about self love today?  Well it wasn't my plan.  My plan was to prove that Timmies coffee is making us stupid.  My plan was temporarily thwarted because I still cannot get onto blogger from me desktop computer.  I am using my laptop that struggles to breath because her fan is broken.  I can't type and have research windows open at the same time on this gentle machine.  When I realized my plans had to change as always I threw a bit of an inner tantrum and headed over to facebook.

I am finding FB to be a fairly accurate oracle for me these days.  I have eliminated anyone off my home feed that is not positive and inspiring.  This allows me to get really great positive posts all the time.  Recently all the posts follow a trend and that trend for the day seems to be a message I am needing to hear.  Today it was one picture after another about self.  Putting yourself first.  Learning to love all part of yourself.... and so on.

Sometimes I get annoyed by the over use of a message.  I got it the first time I usually yell at my computer screen.  But did I really get it?   Over ten years ago is the first time I received the message to learn to love myself.  Today am I there yet?

Conditional love I guess is a step in the right direction but it's not ideal.  I am using love negatively, I don't think thats good.  I am turning this so-called grande feeling of Love which embodies half of the feelings range to induce harm unto myself.  So I guess some people would argue that I am actually coming from that place of fear not love.

I am learning in my Hypnosis course that there are many parts to the brain.  I think all my parts have a persona attached to them.  I am not so much living from a place of fear or love but more from a place of sister bitch and passive mother.  I feel like there is always a manipulative power play happening within me.  Love has now become the hockey puck.   Who ever has control and the chance to score, maybe causing advancement for her own cause.

I don't think the issue has ever been out side myself.  Actually I KNOW the issue has never been outside myself.  My entire world has been created from within the limits of my skull and heart.  Heart being broken, just my skull has ran the hologram.  Now that my heart is mending there is a bit of a battle going on.  They say the longest journey you will ever take is the 18 inches from your heart to your head..... No shit it's been over ten freakin years!

So anyhoo.   Looks like today is to be a day of self love, whatever the fuck that looks like.  I will abandon ship on the Timmies makes you stupid post for now, although I am certain they put a dumb drug in it to stop your alertness but whatevs, for another day.   I never did answer how to love one self unconditionally, because to be honest.... I have no idea at this point.  Accept all parts of myself I guess, even those negative yucky ones.

Love to all and to all a Good day.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Are you Ready To WAKE UP???

Falling back asleep is a real threat to me today.

You might have to bare with me this post as I work through some knowledge that is just budding as understanding.  Defining when I am asleep and when I am awake is where my mind has been most active today.

My blog is about Ascension.  Waking up to the reality or truth of who I AM.  Yet it feels like I am falling asleep more then I am waking up.  I guess defining what it even means to be asleep or awake is where I should start huh?

When I speak about waking up, it's metaphorically of course.  To be awake is to be deeply aware of who you are and to stand in that truth.  To be awake is to be moving forward on your personal growth.

To be asleep is to be living life by other peoples dictations.  To live on auto pilot.  To follow the crowd absentmindedly because it doesn't matter to you.  One is asleep if they lack energy to follow their passions.  Asleep people sometimes are in such a deep coma that they don't even know what there passions are, they are in denial of being asleep.  Asleep people sometimes convince themselves they are happy and this is the life they want.  I think some people are not even meant to wake up this lifetime, or right now and that's okay.  To be asleep is ignorant bliss and there are many days I would like to be there again.... hence my constant threat of willing myself back to sleep.

I don't know how you tell if your asleep or not.  I know for me I just felt like I was not living up to my full potential.  I felt that there was just way more to life then what I was experiencing.  I knew in my heart I was not fully happy and satisfied but I had no idea how to get to that happy.  I followed all society's rules and guidance and felt worse and worse, like I was a leper and didn't fit in.  I had these secret dreams and passions that I just couldn't seem to tell people about, let alone pursue.

It wasn't until I began peeling away what didn't feel right and began following what felt good that I began to awake.  I swung the pendulum to far to the feel good side and ended in addiction because of it, but I wonder sometimes if that wasn't part of my Ascension journey.  Can't fully embrace the light without understanding its counter balance, darkness. But I digress....

I am just learning to identify what keeps me asleep.  Taking this hypnotherapy course is already starting to ding some bells in my little brain.  Societal hypnosis is a very real thing.  To follow the masses is almost like a drug that we become all to comfortable buying into.  I will get back to this though.

I always knew that food was a sleeping agent for me.  When I overeat, or eat lots of starches and sugars, I begin to fall into a hypnotic state of mind.  I become to tired to do anything, let alone actively pursue my passions.  Food induces a coma for me.  I just want to sit, watch TV and eat.  Weed induced that same coma state.  I am reading lots on the chemicals put in our drinking water, into our coffee's and all matter of sorts in our foods.  These toxins keep us doped up and unable to move into the truth's of ourselves.

Why is that so?  I remember when my son was very ill when he was a toddler.  He called for me in his delirious state and when I went to him, I felt chills run through my body upon looking into his eyes.  They were pure black and completely void of him.  It was like he was just a functioning body with no soul in there.  It was so unnerving that I called my mentor to talk it out.  Her being a holistic healer explained to me how the soul leaves the body when it's in danger.  Being harmed and being very sick, the soul checks out.  Right now we are very sick people, putting rat poisons and other toxins in our bodies on a daily basis's.

How can you be awake when your soul can't stomach the harm your doing to yourself?

I am starting to realize how much the collective consciousness actually keeps me asleep as well.  I have said it a million times, you become like the five closest people to you.  This is an example of this.  What you associate with is the energy you will embody.  People that are asleep will work hard to keep you asleep, not that they will be aware of it, but it's an energetic reality.  But what about the media?

Media... what you watch, what you fill your mind with is as equally toxic as what you put into your body through your mouth.  I am sure we are all aware of this by now.  I learned on a deeper level when i lost all my weight how true this is for the community as a whole.

I was treated way differently as a 'skinny' person then I was as  big lady.  Even though I didn't buy into the stereo type of woman's barbie bodies I realized that the majority of people around me did.  It became increasingly difficult not to get caught up in the flow of the actions around me.  It felt good.  Today however I have settled down to that reality and am kinda disgusted with the way media leads us like cattle through the streets.

When we buy in to media we connect to a collective thought and it is through that thought that we are hypnotized.  I am not saying all media is like this, but much of it out there is meant to keep you in a trance and dancing like a government controlled puppet.

It's much much easier to follow the masses when you have no idea who you are.  When we came into the world we were connected to our souls and knew who we were.  We were not afraid to ask for what we needed and made our presence known to the people around us.  Where along the line do we fall asleep?  Do we all fall asleep or do some of us maintain our awakened state?  These people that maintain it, are they confused about this movement of awakening?  Does trauma cause our souls to abandon ship?  Is awakening for the broken person a soul retrieval?  Can someone who has not experienced trauma still push their souls away by media following alone, by toxic ingestion alone?

Why do people choose to stay asleep or when they wake up, why do they so quickly put themselves back in slumber?  This is where I am at now.  It seems so much easier just to give in to my desire to do nothing and sleep.  To just float along in life and give nothing more then my 10 percent and get my 20 back.  It seems so much more acceptable to watch breaking bad and joke about the mayor that smoked crack.  No one faults me for eating that chocolate cake the other day, they actually laugh and share their over eating stories with me, welcoming me to the 'club'.  Such a connection I have to the world around me when I stay asleep.

That's not what I want however.  I want a connection to my soul.  I want to become all that I can be and live my dreams.  I want to feel a state of internal bliss everyday of my life.  I want to experience real love, cosmic love.  I want to create a reality so grand that even I am amazed everyday I wake up.  Does this all sound far fetched to you?  Unachievable?

Wells it's not.  I have experienced all of that and more.  The issue is that I have yet to experience it all, all of the time.  I have had tastes of it here and there.  I remember for a solid year bouncing out of bed, unbelieving that I was getting paid to do a job I loved so much that it didn't even feel like work.  During a meditation once I had a full body orgasm that I can't even begin to describe.  I have been on stage in front of 700 people sharing my story and motivating them.  I have done all those things in the above paragraph.  I just have yet to maintain it.  Because I always fall back asleep...

The culprit.... Sex, men and romance.  It's always my demise.  The world tells me I am nothing without a man.  The only people telling me otherwise are older women without men in their lives.  I always fall back under the hypnotic trance when I listen to songs like 'Guerrilla' over and over again on the top forty station I love.  After a few weeks of hearing a particular trance inducing song, my mind starts to form thoughts and actions soon follow.  This goes back to when our parents told us not to listen to the devils music.  They were on to something, they new the hypnotic trance it puts us under, what it feeds is our subconscious mind.  The weak, insecure mind feeds off this power and asleep she goes.   Asleep I go.....

Well awareness is key right??  I wont let myself fall asleep this time.  I am about to embark on my dreams for the very real time, this time.  I need to 'work' at keeping myself awake.  I have to push through the uncomfortable bubble into my truth and stand up in that.  A christian song today reminded me to Give it to God.... THEN walk in it.  It's time to woMAN up!!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

How I Escaped the Devil in my Dreams

I dreamt of the devil the other night.

He has come to me four other times in my adult life that I can recall.  I say the devil because of the image it portrays in this society.  Really I don;t believe in the devil, he is the Prince of Shadows to me.  He is the very seductive masculine energy that tricks me into doing things against my intiution.

I didn't truly know his full nature until this visit though.  Let me share the other times he visited me and what was going on in my life at that time...

..... I had just fallen asleep, like literally just.  My husband was on the computer not more then five feet away from where I slumbered.  within moments I felt myself being pulled to the bottom of the bed.  That horrible feeling of being paralyzed, I was unable to stop it.  I was screaming loudly at my husband who was hypnotized by the computer a mere spit away.  I looked down and felt, more then saw this male energy.. aka the Devil, The Prince of Shadows.  He was laughing at me and drawing me to him.  I screamed so loud at my husband to come save me that I woke myself up.

Looking at the clock I had been asleep for about ten minutes.  Everything in my dream was real time and it felt like real energy.  I asked my husband if he had heard me but he said no I was sleeping soundly.  I was so unnerved.

The second time he came to me, again I had just fallen asleep.  This time his pull came from the side and caused me to begin to spin in my double bed.  I was sleeping alone, just my big black elk hound and I were in the room.  I screamed for my dog but he didn't budge from his slumber.  I was afraid but had been here before so was more analytical this time and didn't actually feel The Prince physically.  I woke within moments of falling asleep again.  I was unnerved again when I woke and wondered why he kept coming to visit me.  Although I hadn't seen him in a few years.

The third time he came to see me was a short visit and in a more of a dream state.  He wore a very seductive energy and came up swiftly behind me.  As he breathed his moist breath on my neck, I welcomed him.  The dream spun into something else after that.  This was the only time he came to me in the middle of the night and in a seductive way.  That's how I knew he was the Prince of Shadows and not my own fears.

The fourth time and the most scariest.....  I had barely and I mean barely just fallen asleep when I heard a loud knock at my bedroom door.  I was up and out of bed before I was even awake.  I knew deeply who was at my door and why he was there.  I was shaking and standing by the side of my bed as my boyfriend laid in slumber on the bed.

That was over a year ago now that I have had a visit from my dark prince.  Until the other night.  He came to me again in the middle of the night.  Paralyzing me as his energy crept up over my shoulder slowly.  I could feel his anger this time, not his laughter or seduction.  He was holding me so painfully tight.  I couldn't get out of his grip and I was angry not frightened.  Finally with my will I kept telling myself it was a dream and not real.  He was never real and this time was no different.  He got angrier and I woke myself up.

I am a big dream analysis girl.  I feel many of life's answers are embedded in our dreams.  This dream has always, since the first one, been my favorite one to interpret.  It is way more real then any dream I have ever had and honestly I have a deep belief that it really is an energy that lurks outside myself.  I used to think he was a warning, and to some extent I guess he is.

The first time he came to me, I was about to cheat on my husband for the first time.  My understanding of life was torn between the man I thought was my soul mate and the new man in my life that I seemed to have a deeper connection with.  Looking back now this is when I began to wake up from societies hypnotic trance and realize I was in  relationship keeping me asleep and from my path.  But at the time I seen it as a warning that I was about to embark on a dark path.... so i didn't.  I stayed in the marriage.

The second time honestly..... not sure why he came to me.  Probably because of entering a twelve step fellowship.  I was dating this guy, I should better rephrase that, I was playing this guy at the time and thought it was about him that the devil came.  So I broke up with the guy and tried to play it straight and narrow.

The third and fourth times he came to me I was with a new guy.  He came during drug relapses.  The first one I was just getting back together with the guy.  I seen it as a dooming sign but continued the path anyways.  The second time when The Prince knocked on my bedroom door I kicked the guy to the curb permanently.

I always seen the dreams to be warnings about the men in my life.  I can see now from the recent dream that it's never been about the men.  I have no man in my life right now.

However as I over eat and dose my body with toxins my minds positive state slips.  I am seeing a definite trend in riddling my body with negative energy, effecting my thoughts and leading me back to searching for something outside myself to feel better.  Guys are always that feel better out for me.  The Prince of Shadows is the seduction of Love.

Today I am not seeking the seduction of romantic love however.  I am actually achieving self love and embarking on my true passions in life.  The Devil in my dream was mad, real mad.  And for the first time, I was not afraid.  Just annoyed that he was there and I couldn't move.  He is losing power over me.  My addictions are losing power over me.  My need to self sabotage is diminishing.

What started in 2006 is finally coming to a close.  Cycles break at the 3, 7 and 13 year mark... in my experience.  This one is the 7 year mark.  I was awakened by that first guy all those years ago.   It has taken me this long to actually become confident enough,  to step into my light.  It took seven years for me to shed the old skin that protected me, to lose the baggage that I carried around.

 I feel like the Prince of Shadows has finally let go.  I feel like I have finally completed my journey to the underworld.  I am on a new path, a new cycle...

Friday, December 6, 2013

Clear Space for Something New!!

It's amazing to me how fast life can change when you take the bold step into the unknown.

The day after I closed the door on a frequency no longer resonating with me, I received closure not only in that area, but another one nagging me for a very long time.  Deciding to leave NA somehow brought a silence to the demons in my head constantly reminding me of my failure in the weight loss industry.

How?  Scratching my head I wondered...  I am surprised I am not bald with all the head scratching I do....or have a dented scalp with the banging that frequently happens too.  lol

It was the day after I made it official in my mind, by writing it out here, to move away from my twelve step fellowship.  That a coworker from the weight loss industry tagged me in a status connecting me with everyone involved in that time of my life.  Connection and Communication silenced the demons by powering up the light.  My negative beliefs around the events leading to my fall from grace vanished one by one instantly with each person I talked to.

I was amazed.

I am still unsure how everything is connected.  What seemed like a completely separate issue plaguing me was vaporized within 24 hours of making a decision in what seemed like a totally different area of my life.

Energy and focus is what comes out of my head scratching on this one.  I seem to have this limited amount of energy.  Which this thought goes against my past beliefs that energy is infinite.  Maybe it's just focus then.  Maybe I can only have focus in one area at a time.

With having a year clean and no longer needing that focus to stay clean my path was cleared to focus on something new.  This is where I question the validity of relapse in the second year as a popular notion within the rooms.  Maybe relapse comes from the person not moving forward, thus moving backwards.  I personally do not believe any part of life needs to be hard work.

 If you have to bust your balls at it, your on the wrong path.

Of course this is my point of view.  We all create our own realities and live from our own frequencies.  I am not advocating everyone slam the doors to areas of their lives that they are not happy with right now.  Life is not always a bowl of roses.  I can recognize when it's time for me to move on, from experience and connection to my higher power.  I am learning to stand in my truth which is not easy, but not a ball buster either.

Going against popular belief is not an enjoyable experience.  The rewards however are well worth the sacrifice.

.....and let me tell you about more sacrifice and rewards that are shaping up in my life right now.  I have taken a crazy bold step into my future and it's scaring the poop out of me!!  This is what I call the work in my life now...taking that first step.  Drunvelo Melchizedek says the first step is about three feet high and then all the rest are easy.  I couldn't agree more.  I just took a giant leap of faith and am mildly vomiting in my mouth now.

I enrolled into an 8 month intensive course on HypnoTherapy.

ooohhhhh...... ahhhh.....  Gasps abound.  Shock reverberates through the readers...

Okay fine!   Maybe that's an exaggeration.  But, boy oh boy, does it ever feel like that in my little world.  Why does it feel so scary to me you ask?  I know your longing to have that answer.... lol  Well let me share that with you then.

I have wanted to take this course for years now.  I have researched it and researched it again.  Many times I have almost signed up.  There was always something stopping me though.    It was too expensive.  I didn't have the time.  I couldn't get to the City hosting it.  I was too sick/tired/high.  Always something seemed to block me.  I see now I just wasn't ready yet.  I was to afraid to climb that first three foot step.

At the beginning of this past week as the Moon sat contently in her Newness I found myself thinking about what I wanted to create now.  With the energy of the planet I too was ready to embark upon another journey across the sky.  But what?

I was clearing my clients driveways of snow at five am in the utter peacefulness of the land.  When the thought of hypnosis kept nagging me.  Interrupting my peace.  This is how I receive my guidance.  In meditation those thoughts that repeat and wont go away are my higher voice.  I can hear this voice only after much daily practice of quieting the monkey mind.  Well worth the 'work'.

So heeding the voice I researched courses, once again.  Like for the hundredth time in my life.  It was the second course I found online that had this crazy resonance with me.  My spidey senses where on overdrive as I read page after page of knowledge that I already had understandings too.  I watched youtube video after video to get a feel of the teacher and instantly like the frequency he was on.  There was absolutely no hesitation to contact him.

His response was simultaneous.   Like he was just sitting there waiting for Me specifically to contact him.  With 24 hours I was on the phone with him.  The talk was animated.  I felt like I was connecting with someone from home.  The general feel of the call was.... finally she is ready!  I really did feel like he had been waiting for me forever.        .......My point of view... whatevs, I like it.

Within an hour of speaking with the developer of the course I was signed up and had my first module.  The speed of light!!

It was then that I found the realization of the magnitude of what I just took on, to sink in.  I was really doing it.  I was really embarking on a path I have been skirting for way too many years to count.  I was going to take my love for meditation to a whole new level.  I was taking the first step of my dream to get on a stage to motivate the masses into a better life!  I was really doing it.  Creating the future I have always seen myself in.

I had to call a friend.  I had to lower my cresting wave of energy before it set into panic and I sabotaged the entire project.  Laughing a lot my two beloved mentors on the other end of the phone verified my 'finally she's getting it' energy.  What they have known for years was finally just starting to dawn in me.  I love those supports in your life that hold a vibration for you until your ready to step into it.  These women have been holding it for over ten years now.... and they never gave up on me and my butterfly ways.

I am truly ready to step into my future.  As I write that I can feel my belly get hot.  My cauldron center boils, I am pregnant with a new adventure!  Tears spring to my eye's with the connection to my soul.  I AM finally becoming.... ME.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

How the Moon effects our Emotions

The last of the waning moon in Scorpio is definitely having it's effects on my mood this weekend.   I feel sad and nostalgic.  I find myself brooding about the things in my life that I can't have.   I choose not to have, but still  find myself brooding about them.  I find that I have a darker outlook about little things that are occurring around me.

Today I was up at 4am ready to remove the 2 centimeters of snow that the weather network was forecasting  would have fallen by now.  Getting a jump start on the massive dump headed our way.  But there was no snow on my work truck when I looked out.  Kinda disappointed about that.  My normal view would be to enjoy the extra few hours sleep and no work for today.... but in my Scorpio broodiness I am annoyed.

My new awareness is forming in the realms of emotional connections to the universe around us.  Everything ebbs and flows with the phase of the moon.  The moon directly relates to the movement of the oceans.  'Go with the flow' is a descendant catch phrase of this moon/ocean connection.  Without my body being clogged with sleeper toxins I find that I am subjected more to this flow.  I think it's this out of control emotional feeling that has me always pounding back the cheesecake.

Understanding, for me, is key to unlocking that control center of mine.  When I can have at least a glimpse of knowledge about the whys of something then I am much better at allowing it to just unfold.

I have always been aware of the moon.  I live by her phases and have a shred of knowing about her signs.  It hasn't been until this very weekend though that I can now feel her deeply within me.  Knowing that the waning of her power, in the astrological sign of death( not as harsh as it sounds when you know what death really is), only creates this same lack of power within myself around the things that are moving out of my life.  The moon in this phase is giving me one last glimpse at what is about to be removed entirely.  Sometimes people hold on to this and struggle through another cycle.... I normally hold on and struggle through.

I am feeling most sadly about my single-hood today.  Everywhere I look it seems I see happy couples.  Sex sells product.  Romance is on every billboard, TV, Internet and book cover I come across.  It's prominent talk in many of my friends lives and even in my eldest daughters.  It's everywhere.  It seems people are happiest when in a romantic relationships.  Well that's not entirely true, but when your longing, that's what you see.

I am ready to let that go in my life for awhile. Truly I am.   I am choosing to focus on building a career for myself, as well as raising my daughters well.  I need to become the type of woman that will attract the super rich hottie that I am seeking.  It will take time, and many trips to the gym and spa!!

I am truly excited about my path, Scorpio is just giving me a few days to mourn the sacrifice of what I must give up in that time.  I used to fight this and spend these days creeping facebook pages for contact info on my last conquests.  Thinking it was time for one last rendezvous.  This is the sign I would rebel against the most because it was asking me to just sit... just sit, in the shit.   Terribly hard for me to do when I know a million ways to get out of it.

It also helps that I know the Moon is New in Sagittarius tomorrow.  A glorious sign of philosophy!!  The moon also being in the phase of beginnings means one thing for me.  I am gonna work the energy in my favor to embark on a new spiritual pursuit that will keep me in my glory bubble for the rest of this month!

Let me start that glory bubble now by reminding myself of the phases and the signs of the Moon.

The Moon travels across the night sky in a pattern each month.  Starting with the New Moon or Dark Moon.  Right now I feel we are experiencing the Dark Moon.  Tomorrow into the New Moon.  The New Moon then moves into the Waxing Moon.  The Waxing moon is when she grows bigger and is full of anticipation.  The Full Moon blooms in her full power half way through the cycle.  My mistake as a magical practitioner in the the past was to believe the Moon phase ended here.  It however continues with the Waning phase.  The Waning phase is where the Moon receded her light until she is Dark and then New again.  This starting the whole cycle over again.


New:  It's time to start new projects.  To make goals.  To embark on a Journey.  To take that first step.  To bring freshness back to something your not ready to let go of.

Waxing(growing bigger): It's during this week that you will want to draw things to you.  Pull energy towards you that you need to develop that new project.  Time to receive.  Time to ask for, to pray for. To to expand on an idea.  Time to go forth fearlessly.  Confidence grows at this time.

Full: What you have created at the new moon, for good or ill will shine brightly now.  In full power you will see everything clearly.  Time to enjoy the fruits of your labors thus far.  Time to evaluate what is working and what is not.  Time to face your shadows.  Tremendous power is available at this time.  Best time to work much magic.

Waning(growing smaller): Remove undesired energies from your life. Time to give. Time to go within and be silent.  Time to meditate.  Time to reflect. Time to detox.   It is at this time that we learn to be comfortable in the darkening.

Dark: For the day before the New moon (today) learn to sit in the darkness.  Embrace the void. Be comfortable in the void. Learn to love the void.


Aries:  Full of fire this is a creative and passionate sign.  Much get up and go here.  You may feel restless and impatient during this signs reign on the moon.  Creative planning is a good activity at this time, goal setting, intention setting.

Taurus:  A sensual sign all about the senses.  This sign is about experiencing all the goodness of this planet.  Good food, great sex, gardening, getting a message.  Anything that puts your senses to good use is what this sign is about.  Great grounding energy here.  Habitual habits will be displayed here, for good or ill.

Gemini:  Communication, mental skills, verbal skills. Journal, blog or write a letter in this energy. Social life may be prominent when Gemini graces the sky.  Reading, writing, and researching are all the domains of Gemini.  Meeting new people.

Cancer:  By far my favorite sign aside from my own.  This sign is the ruling sign of the moon, so much power here.  Family and home life are favored.  When the moon is in her own sign you will more then likely want to stay home or go visit family.  A good home cooked meal.  Strengthening relationships.  Deep feelings. Might feel pouty during this moon.

Leo:   Me, Me, Me.  This sign is all about self.  Great time to work with your inner child and bring playfulness to your world.  Feeling self centered.  Honor your gifts and talents. Entertain.  Self confidence.  Any kind of self improvement is good during this sign but beware of feeling selfish.

Virgo: (my favorite sign)  Service to others.  Connection to the earth. Attention to detail.  Analytical.  This moon phase is great for getting back on track with your health regime.  Where Aries is great start up energy, Virgo is the carry through of that energy.  Staying power.

Libra: Partnership and working with others is favored here.  Romance and beauty.  Setting priorities and finding balance.  Embark on an artistic project.  This is a soft non confrontational energy.  Relaxed bordering on Lazy.

Scorpio:  (where we are today) Feelings can be intense during this sign.  Moving the things out of your life that no longer serve you.  Accessing your ancestors wisdom.  Death and letting go.  Loyalties.  Transforming negative emotions.  This energy is deep.

Sagittarius:  Imagination.  Adventure and exploration.  Philosophical pursuits.  Light those social and creative fires.  Play!!  Law and improvements.  I love how this energy marries fun with the can be too serious natures of law and religion.

Capricorn: This is a solid sign of foundations.  Motivation to get the job done.  Develop projects, plan for the future.  Patience and perseverance.  Every Cap I know is fabulous with their finances.  Money spells here would be best.

Aquarius:  Group and community concerns.  Social butterfly energy.  Intelligence and enlightenment.  Beware of nervous energy.  Revolutionary, progressive and out of the box thinking.  Invent something during this energy.

Pisces:  Emotional and dreamy. The energy of the twelve sign is Transcendence.  Dragonfly energy.  Meditation, direct connection to spirit.   Escapism is the unhealthy flip-side.  Over indulgence in mood altering drugs.

Those are just a quick run through of the signs.  Just enough to wet your whistle.  Some signs I have tremendous experience with and others know literally nothing about.

My goal now that I have spent so much time in this page today will be to actually pay more attention to my feelings during these moon phases and signs.  That is the intent I will set during my ritual work tomorrow on the crowning of the New Moon.

Here is a list of the moon phases and signs for the next week until I get back here again.

12.2.13-New Moon in Sagittarius
12.3.13-Waxing Moon in Sagittarius
12.4.13-Waxing Moon in Capricorn
12.5.13-Waxing Moon in Capricorn
12.6.13-Waxing Moon in Aquarius
12.7.13-Waxing Moon in Aquarius
12.8.13-Waxing Moon in Pisces

Happy Trails to you My friends!!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

3 Paths to Personal Power

Why do I beat myself up so much?   I slept in this morning.  Why do I always feel so let down when I sleep in?  I know its my favorite time of the day.  Before the world wakes up it's so peaceful.  I write the best during that time.  These are the reasons why I beat myself up, but can I not allow myself one days grace to sleep in and enjoy the comforts of my bed until after the sun rises?  Can I not allow myself to get up with the rest of the world?

This crazy level of expectation of myself and God's will for my life is what I want to discuss today.  I have been challenged this week to stand in my truth.  The truth of my being and I have become aware of just how difficult it is for me to be true to myself and move away from societies expectations of me... and my own expectations of me.

There are so many avenues I could go with this topic, however I want to try to keep the avenues to culd-u-sacs to back the point I am trying to make.  I am definitely one for very quick digression so I am forewarning an apology if that happens.

Recently I made a decision to move away from a body of people and a program of recovery that I strongly feel no longer serves it's purpose in my life.  It was a very tough decision to make for me because it went against what I was taught to believe.  I cannot explain in detail how or why I made that decision as I am learning that our own higher powers work differently for each of us.  I just know without a shred of doubt it was the move I needed to make.

So why then when people challenge me on it, do I quiver and shake in my boots?  If there is no doubt in the decision, where does the fear of their accusations weigh on me like a tonne of bricks?

This is where the culd-a-sac's form, so bare with me.  Power is one culprit that wreaks havoc in my world.  Learning to stand in my own power and trust that my power is strong, true and worthy has been a difficult journey.  I am used to giving my power away.  Not so much to women but most definitely to men.  When a man questions me I am left second guessing myself.  Looking over my recent history with men I find pure disgust attached to the memories of where I allowed them to walk me because of my inability to stand in my truth.

I am learning to hold my power in the face of men.  I can say No and still be respected.  I can say I don't want to walk that way and hold on to my original plans.   In my past power outages with men I was so easily lead off course and today I find that I am standing more firmly in my resolves.

Let me drive out of that culd-a-sac before it becomes the freeway that it could be.

So making a decision and standing in the power of that in the face of a Male has been one challenge that I overcame this week.  I feel better and stronger after thinking about what he had to say and still concluding that this is the path for me.  I didn't feel the need to defend but I did want him to understand where I was coming from.

That is the second culdesac I want to drive down... Peoples Perspectives

Last night my eldest daughter got in pretty late.  When I heard her I felt disappointed that she had been out at the bar.  Quickly however I reminded myself that she hasn't been out to a bar in several weekends, Halloween I think being the last time.  It also dawned on me that she doesn't go out on the balcony before bed anymore and I have not smelled weed in the house for..... a long time.  So why was I agitated?

As I listened I could hear her and a boy giggling and flirting right below my bedroom window.  A sick rock dropped in my belly.  I was flashing back to where all those kinds of giggles had lead me in the past.  I began to pray that she not follow that same path.   I was a mess thinking about it.  I was just about to get out of bed and enforce my parental views on her when she said goodbye to him, thanked him for getting her home safely and came into the house alone.

My guts just melted then as I realized my daughter is a healthy, single, 20 year old.  She is not me.  I have never had a healthy single early 20's experience.  I do not understand where she is at, I will never understand it.  It was not my path.  I am grateful that I am smart enough to see that and can allow her the path that I worked so hard to be able to provide for her.

I fell back asleep understanding a fundamental truth.   We all have our own paths to walk.

As much as we can empathize with another we can never fully understand why they choose the things they do.  I truly could not understand how she could say goodbye and not go home with him.  Just like people from my recovery group struggle with understanding why I can leave recovery with the confidence I will not relapse.

The third culd-a-sac I want to peek into which is truly the one I must watch from becoming that, no speed limit freeway, in Germany.    Gods will vs. Societies standards.

My best friend and I spoke at length about this all week.  Touching on how we are conditioned to think by mainstream society.  Talking about our desires and how many times those are seen as negative and subdued. We dived into the rules of our world and whether they still serve us or not.  Funny because all probing exploration like that always takes me back to addiction.

The rooms of NA left a deep impression on the inner regions of my mind.  Part of the reason why I needed to leave and yet I embrace the wisdom imparted.  To become a productive member of society is to question it's functionality..... maybe not to always conform.  Having a strong set of moral values is necessary before confrontation however.... The rabbit hole deepens a bit with understanding where your codes of conduct come from.  Most morals are dictated by society, the circle a viscous one.

Society teaches us fast food and TV are completely acceptable forms of past time.  That's changing.  I have rebelled against both since the beginning of my time.  Why did I go against popular belief?  Because it didn't feel good.  When I fell out of grace with humanity and entered the world of the walking dead it didn't feel good either but I didn't care ( I was in too much personal pain to care).  Society has been pushing for years to legalize pot and sells billions upon billions of dollars in already legalized drugs.  A productive member of society says what to this?  Nothing because most people are in there own self created hells that antidepressants get them out of.   ... Uh ooohhh angry digression comes quick.

Quick flip.

Personally I don't care because I live my life from my higher self and not the waves of corrupt politicians looking to make a buck.

So if popular belief goes against my higher self's will for my life, how do I stand up to that?  Just about being mobbed at my younger daughters friends bday party was a rattle and a half for me.  I am not the popular little genie in a bottle, bewitched, witch amongst her friends moms.  As was made clear when another friend asked to come hang out at our place last night and was given a very shaky no.

Following ones path I guess takes courage and some sort of blinders to the ways of others.   Fearful accusations of others.  I am learning as well on my part,  it takes a bit of modesty and respect for other peoples beliefs and opinions.  A deeper understanding that others peoples opinions of me are none of my business.  But deeper for me still is to know that society is not always the leading fashion on whats hot and whats not.

Let me go just one more place in my experience with walking in my higher powers will for my life.  I work at a very unstable company where the owner is a young male trying to make it in the world.  He has great ideas and solid plans but it's been a tough go of it for him.  Some weeks I wonder if I will get a paycheck.  Yet my heart stays with him because I have experienced way to many coincidences and synchronicity's to ignore.   I am in the right pace even if it's a bit challenging.  I have never lost a paycheck and to be honest I have received a tremendous amount of bonus's.   Even with these understandings I proceeded to see a career counselor to get into school and become a social worker... a dream that I now believe was society approved.  After coming to the conclusion I would be a fabulous counsellor I felt that the path was not for me.  It was not easy setting up things in that direction.  The coincidences were not there and the drive to go in that direction was nothing more then ego based.  God's will for my life is to walk with this company and help it grow.

 I know that now only after I had to test it out.  Again I cannot explain how I know other then personal sign posts along the way that only I would get.  Communication with my higher power.

Being true to who you are and standing in that regardless of what society, your friends or your families think of you.   That's what I am learning today.  Having a foundation and a deep connection to your higher power are all musts before you embark on standing in your truth.  To be honest you don't have your own truth until you have made that connection to your higher self.  Or maybe that's not correct, your truth is to your ego before you make that connection to a higher place within you.  

I know today that without a shadow of a doubt I am in my higher powers will for my life.  Do I have fears?  Fuck ya I do.  Am I terribly uncomfortable... hell ya I am!   Do I rant and rave at my Goddess some days?  Yup, just as I would any mentor asking me to do something outside my comfort bubble.  Like tell the world I am a witch!  However the rewards that come with it are even greater then the sacrifice.

So here is too continuing to walk along MY path.  Sharing it in hopes that you find the courage you need to walk along your own path.  Here is to hoping we can all allow each other our own paths without judgment or condemnation.

 I love you in all your truth.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Her Will for Me and the Power to Carry that out

I am gaining weight again.  I have told myself in the past that when I begin to over eat there is something I am not dealing with.  I always move to immediate emotions being the culprit.   I am seeing now that it is sometimes a little larger but yet simpler then that.  It's a situation I am unwilling to confront.

My Oracle Cards of late have been speaking of avoiding confrontation.  As my mind moved to my little witch that could and her posse of little eager learners, I was side tracked by the real conflict.  An issue that I have been dancing with lightly until now.

Reading over my own posts and reviewing my own history has flashed some insight on the ways in which I handle closure.... or letting go.

 Oh shit..... here we go again!  She is letting the broken boy back in again!  

.... lol.....  No that's not what's happening, but I can see now that if I don't close the door on that option entirely it will be an issue again for me one day soon.  I will continue to cycle the same issues until I move on to something entirely new.  The confrontation that I need to have was brought about by other flashes of insight.

When I lost those two close friends from my change in lifestyle (from yesturdays post) I was very hurt and lacked understanding.  I didn't realize that I could not have my old life and my new life at the same time.  Like a puzzle the pieces just did not fit together.  It was terribly painful for me to let go of two women that kept me sane and happy for many years, I felt like I was betraying them.  Looking back now I see that my life was moving in a direction they 'chose' not to go.  I wish they had chose to follow, sometimes I miss them dearly.  This was flash insight number one.

Taking down the Focus cutout on my vision board was insight number two.  If you missed that post a few back I made mention to a vision board I have in my kitchen.  I put all the things I want to achieve on there as well as motivating sayings and such.  I had a cutout of the Ford Caption 'Focus is here for you because you are here for Focus'.  I originally put it up when I could not pull myself away from Dope.  Every time I looked at it, it reminded me to keep my focus on staying clean.  It worked!   Its been over a year now and I am clean.  However recently when I looked at it, before taking it down, it reminded me of that terrible struggle.  I was always flashing back to the horrors of addiction and my vision board was inducing feelings of shame.

When clients came to me to lose weight the first thing I advised them is to not put the fat picture on the fridge as a reminder of what they don't want.... but to put the skinny picture of what they do want.  It's more motivating that way.  My focus picture was motivating in the beginning but had turned sour in the end, it had become my fat picture.  My new level of living standards had raised, I had achieved it.  The awareness of other things that needed to move out of my life began dawning on me then.

I was unwilling to make that choice though to move on.  Deal with your shit..... lest your shit deals with you.  Man that's my favorite saying these days.

There is a third insight I have had but I think I will share it after sharing what I need to confront.   There has been a white elephant floating on these pages lately.  I have been trying to ignore it and replace my focus in hopes that, that was enough to move forward.  It's not though.  Damn.  I have always tried the cowards way first hoping that less people would be effected and that I would have to deal with less confrontation.

I understand now what it means to stand for something or fall for anything.  I have been dabbling my toes in standing yet have been unwilling to fully stand when it means there may be confrontation from people that oppose my decision.  Not even confrontation but even just causing people to make comment on what I have chosen to do.  I am still that really impressionable girl that falls for anything.  Learning to stand is.... yuck,'s just really hard.

I have decided to Leave Narcotics Anonymous.

There I said it.  My all or nothing attitude it struggling so hard right now.  I was trying to gracefully slip out the back door keeping one foot in.  Just in case I needed it or it needed me.  My beautiful mentor last night said something though that clicked in a large way for me.  How can you walk into your future when you have a foot in the door behind you?

My counter question is then this, why do I even need to close the door, why can't I find my future and keep tethered to the rooms of NA.  This is what I have been processing for a few months now as my energy slips dangerously low.  The Focus slogan flashes in my minds eye.  What once gave me strength is now draining me.  I do not know why that it is.... it just is.  If I still felt good going to meetings this would not be an issue at all for me.  But I don't.

Even with the ill feeling I get after leaving a meeting, I could hear many many people share how much they didn't want to come to a meeting that night but did.  So I keep going.  Over and over I hear the same things drummed into my mind and soon I was feeling like a drone.  I would go tired and I would leave tired.  So I made a decision to begin to gracefully back away and move back into my spiritual circles where my energy was being renewed and I felt good.

Spirit had different plans.  The oracle cards warned of a confrontation.  I am flashed back to gracefully falling out of grace with my two best friends.  It wasn't so graceful the cowards way.  I just started avoiding them.  I didn't understand.  Ignorance is bliss.  They were still angry and threw that energy at me, maybe even angrier.  I am no longer ignorant, nor can I take the cowards route.  Not because I don't want to.... I do, but because Spirit isn't going to let me.

Another member of my home group basically put it on the line for me.  If I was not going to attend every meeting then I must back down completely from my service position.  At first I thought that was pretty harsh.  Being a treasurer of a meeting that had very small sevenths, I wasn't really concerned about it.  However maybe that was wrong on my part and this was the time for me to step out.  See how my first thought was step out not up.   I cannot commit to a meeting every week even if I wanted to.  My work is where I draw my strength from right now and when the snow flies I must too.  It has fallen every weekend for the past four with the exception of the most recent, yet I still had to work to clean up the recent Friday snow fall.

Between work, my self care, my daughters and my new adventures I just do not have time or energy for NA.  I feel bad about this because it is that path that lead me out of my darkness.  It was those meetings that fed me the light when I was still too sick to fill myself.  I am reminded that what I put before my recovery I will lose.  Again my interpretation of this has changed... I now understand my recovery is my self care, my mothering and my job.  My recovery is listening to Gods will for my life and having the courage to follow it.

I have nothing but amazing things to say about NA.  Just as I have nothing bad to say about my two best friends that chose a different path then me.

We all have our paths.   For awhile I believed that my role was to stay in NA forever and give back what I had been given.  In my narrow focus I was only able to see sponsorship within the rooms as a way of giving back.  However now I can see all the ways in which I have brought the twelve steps too people outside the rooms that need them yet don't have any addictions.  I see how great my giving back has been and that's what feels good to me and that's where I want to go with this.  Sometimes I even wonder if My Spirit brought me through the doors of NA for the twelve steps alone.

The third insight I had is from a dear dear broken boy, that I did truly love.  I did fall in love with a man from the rooms.  The insight came in understanding the cycle of recovery and the getting caught in that cycle.  I have always believed that we cycle through things, issues, situations and all matters of such.  When we complete a cycle we are given an opportunity to break out of that cycle and step into something new.  This is often scary and many people choose to stay in the comfortable norm of the old cycle.  This is what this man had experienced for way to many cycles to count.  This is where I am at now.

I have an opportunity to move on to something new.  In order to move into that something new I need to take both, let me say that again... both feet out of the door.  I need both my feet to launch off the ground.  There is no way to keep one foot in your old life and still move into your new one.  Knowing what your life path is and knowing who you are helps in understanding where you are suppose to go.  I really did believe my life would be forever NA, but the more I get to know myself the more I realize that is not the truth of Me.

I will sign over my treasurers books today and let go of the crutches that have held me up these past couple of years.  I will close the door once and for all on the darkness of my past and move into the light of my future.  I have been sitting in this limbo since Samhain when I blogged about ending this chapter in my life.  Again with the trauma of letting go I struggled.  Yet.....Where there was once tremendous fear, now i am filled with a sense of relief and excitement.   Like the college kid leaving home... I am ready to re-start my life.