Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Xmas Eve Jitters

Christmas Eve.   The one day of the year as a child I was over the top happy.  What child that participates in Christmas is not in great spirits today?  It is the day Santa comes and fulfills their wishes.  Their little dreams are manifested today.  ( I could go a whole different direction with this post today just on that last line alone, but I need to work through some feelings instead. Next Year)

I have finally figured out why I am not a bowl of roses on this occasion.  It was always right under my nose and I missed, again.     Change,     chaos,      and walking through new experiences.   These three things always put me into a place of uncomfortableness that brings about a chain of reactions that lead me to a place of ill feelings.  Feelings over exaggerated as I used to do with my thoughts.

I have been shit kicking myself these past few weeks because my emotions have not been congruent with the actions in my life.    My feelings have gotten increasingly sour where I felt they should have been growing with excitement.  My body has become more lethargic where the environment has called for more energy.  My home has become a bundle of excited happiness, where I have grown dark and brooding.  Not congruent at all with what is occurring around me.

Why is that?

Change.  So simple and disgustingly obvious.  I still struggle through change even though...I thought I was more aware of it.  I don't understand why I struggle so much with the simplest of disruptions in my life, but I do.  I figure it's probably because I do not have a good enough foundation yet to be able to sway like an oak tree through these Chinook winds.

So what are the changes that have my feathers ruffled?

The holidays throw off my work schedule.  I like routine with the hours I work. Actually it`s better said that I NEED routine hours.   I love the change in duties when the seasons change, but I need the solid structure of hours within the day.  With winter, I work at 4am when the snow flies and 9am when it doesn't.  That in itself has been bothering me.   I just now realize.  But this week with Christmas  upon us, I have worked more chaotic hours and I worry about my paycheck.  That is ill feeling number one.

The second nagging emotion demanding to be acknowledged is the situation around my Christmas tree.  My son is here for the holidays!  I have all three of my children under my roof at Christmas this year.  It is the first year since the split with my husband that this is so.

I can't even begin to identify the feeling that brings up.  Reservation.  Holding my breath.  I don't know what it is that I am afraid of.  I feel sad, it feels weird, I don`t really know how to respond to the emotion.  Everything feels kinda alien to me.

..... Wait I am incorrect about the first Christmas with them.  There was another Christmas I had them and it was a terribly painful one.  I forgot about that one two years ago.  Only just this moment did that memory resurface.  Wow.  That is odd.  I blocked that Christmas out because it was really rough for me.

This is only the second Christmas I have had with my kids since the split.  It`s not nearly as painful as that first one, but now I know why I have the apprehensive feelings around this holiday.  It`s not only the fact of the split between my ex and I, I have to work through the trauma`s of that last Holiday with them.  Maybe work through is a bad term, more just acknowledging is enough.

There is something even more basic surfacing for me.  I miss the big celebrations we used to have as a family.  I started the post about my own happiness around the Holidays.  I miss that young innocent happy.  No matter what was occuring in my life at that time, this holiday was the one time of year that all my pains faded for a couple days.  I miss that.  It seems as an adult this is the one time of the year that draws up all the pains.  Odd.

Creating new traditions and new experiences gets tougher as you get older I think.  I have so many memories that are over the top good and as time goes on it gets harder to match and beat those memories.  Learning a new way to settle into the now and accepting the moment for what it is and comparing it with the past less I guess could be a lesson to learn here.  And truly I am not saying I have not made even better memories in my adult years.  Last new years turning our spare bedroom into a tent fort was the way coolest new years I had ever had.

I have been living in the past these few weeks.  I haven`t been in the moment, in the now with my kids.  I have so many cool gifts to give them that didn`t break the bank.  I have a wonderful meal planned out for my mom and family.  I have a wonderful day of lights and skating today planned.  Life is truly marvelous and I am missing it because I am indulging feelings from the past that won`t manifest again...... unless I keep feeding them my power.

To acknowledge and accept my feelings is the toughest lesson for me.  It is the simplest way to release them, to remove their power.  I am learning my feelings just want to be noticed not relived every time they tweak.  Gentle reminders of past paths, a subtle protection beacon.  Notice and let go.

This is my notice.  Christmas`s without my Ex husband are different.  There is some sadness in that, and well now that I am willing to look, there are some really cool goods to that.  We do Xmas MY way! lol   My other notice is that I have a wicked kickass job that has such a flexible work schedule that I can take the days off before Christmas to enjoy my son.  I have banked time and holiday time that I can draw from and my boss would never ever let me struggle finacially.  I have a great job.

I am entirely grateful.  That I see now is what I was losing by indulging my feelings the way I used to let my thoughts run me.  A whole new process cycle with these stinking feelings.  Oh YAY.

So now that I have worked through all that here with you.  Thank You, I feel tremendously better.  I feel free to enjoy the rest of this holiday with my kidlets knowing that My greater than consciousness(higher power) will always take care of me.

Merry Christmas to All!!!!  Happy Blessings to you in your own journey`s and processes.  I send a copiuos amount of love and gratitude to you for reading this today.  I wish you, your dreams manifest this evening of magic.  I Love You!!

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