Learning to define what is my higher self/Greater then Consciousness voice and what is my dark Lady Vixens(My dark self), has been a real tough lesson for me this past year. Yesterday's ignoring and today's price just proves that I am still trying to control the outcome of my reality.
A new layer of the control onion has been peeled. Knowing this is one of my terrible character defects, judgement of others, I have worked hard at allowing people around me the space to be who they are.
This has been the toughest in area's where my children are concerned. Allowing my kids to behave the way they need to in situations has been challenging(of course within boundaries). In the past I have had to actually leave the physical space of somebody that was going against what I felt was the 'correct way'. I am much better now and rarely have to leave the room to allow someone their own space.
The new control that I seek is the way of my higher power. I have come to know what her voice sounds like and what it feels like when she is communicating with me. Where Lady Vixen burns hot in my chest, My higher power seems to come more from my tummy region. Where Lady Vixen creates chaos in my thinking, excitement and panic. My greater then conscious creates an inner knowing and serenity. Lady vixen invokes infatuation, Higher self invokes deep love.
It was my Higher Self that urged me to push the cord in a bit further, she gently told me that it was not connecting yet and the truck wouldn't start in the morning if I didn't work a bit harder on getting the two electrical points to meet. I seen sparks in the cord endings and worried about getting zapped. I decided that it was good enough and walked away, leaving my work truck unconnected on one of the coldest winter nights we have seen yet this winter. Even through out the evening until I fell asleep I thought often about that truck not starting. Just after I fell asleep I received a text from a friend inviting me over. Had I been awake and gone I would have juiced my truck enough to get me running this morning, and even given myself another chance to plug it properly.
The outcome: My truck is dead of course. Over ten centimeters of snow out there to remove and I am stuck here waiting for the world to wake up so I can get a boost. What was the point in ignoring my Higher self? Why did I ignore her, when I knew exactly what the outcome of such an action would prove? Laziness? Control? Maybe something deeper that I am unaware of at this point? (but I won't go down that path in this post)
With my spare time this morning, I went into meditation to seek my answer. What I got was my need to control has moved from an outward obvious place to a more subtle quiet place. Within the confines of my own psyche, my own reality. I am now waging war on my Higher self. It's no longer the outside world that is getting the brunt of my need to be right, in control and reigning power. It's my own light that I want to reign power over. My battle has moved to the Source.
Self Sabotage. This is the disguise it will play under. Some would say that the cord incident was secretly self sabotage. As I look around my messy home and over my expanding body, I would tend to agree. Feeling the lack of energy as I try to keep my own light from shining. How odd is that? I never intended this post to go in this direction and I can see that I could write for another hour just on that train of thought alone. An hour which I guess would be well spent while I wait for someone to come along and boost me on a cold and snowy Saturday morning.
But alas it's not the point I am trying to make. It was simply to be a post about the subtle ways we ignore our inner voice and the not so subtle consequences of that. Had I just plugged in the cord as I was urged to do in that moment, I would be well into my days work and looking forward to getting done to spend time with my babies over this holiday season.
It seems I have some deeper work cut out for me though. The next few weeks should be interesting in this little mind of mine. Happy snow trails my friends, keep warm!