Sunday, February 22, 2015

Stumbling into the New

I have a chest cold and my head is in a vice grip..... to write or not to write, that is the question.   lol

It has been almost a month since I came to play in these pages.

I used to see that as a bad sign.  As a sign that I was getting caught up in the wave.    Easily being thrown around in the raging water, crashing violently into the rocks and left broken in a million shiny peices on the beach.

I guess in the past that probably has some truth to it.     Its not the case today though.  I did ride a wave, but I was pretty good at staying on top of it this time.  I did just crash into the sand but missed the rocks entirely.  So all in all it has been an exciting passed month.

I have been putting more time into building my website and writing for that, then I have been writing here.  I reached my goal where this blog has been concerned and that was gonna be it for here.  However now I am feeling the emptiness, the void, that this platform has left me.  I like launching myself off this platform to clear my head and make sense of stuff that's going on in my life.  To stop doing it now has proven sad for me.

So on I will babble here.

My life has spun its wheels into turbo boost this past month.  My job has catapulted into the air with a hefty raise, increased work expectations, Business commitments outside of normal job standards and gala events to network.  The excitement generated in just this area alone has me vibrating at levels uncomfortable for me.

I am also on my last course of my hypnotherapy course and the clients bouncing towards me has left me spinning as well.  I am setting up meditation classes and already serving clients.  Meeting with my Guru once a week and trying to find time to study on top of all that has again raised me to a vibration that is new and uncomfortable.

With all this new and exciting stuff going on I find I am falling into old habits and behaviours to cope
with the good exploding in my world.

Worthiness is always an issue I struggle with.  I am always feeling like people are going to discover who I am underneath and freak out that they enlisted such a prestigious position to me.  Now, I have to be honest..... that is lessening even as I write this.  Why??   Because I am doing the work necessary to be able to feel some self worth and to come to a place of liking myself even if for just a moment.

In the past my low self worth would sabotage all these great things and have proven to do so as late as last year this time.  When I was exactly in this same spot... even down to the chest cold I have today.  But whats different today is the work I am doing on myself.

I am building a foundation of supports around me that is solid this time.  I am learning the tools to work through issues without my head imploding.  And I am taking the actions to actually move out of my comfort zone and build myself a new worthiness level.

But I still almost got wrapped up in a toxic situation again.  I almost let my raising self worth be tarnished by actions that are far less then me now.  But I didn't go to those places this time.  They felt wrong, dirty, beneath me.  And not lower then in a greater then thou sort of way, just dirty to my clean.  I cant play with dirty when I am clean.  I guess there is a certian level of muddy I am willing to get.  I found that level this past month.

I am learning life is about experiencing things.  For me I need the hands on, walk through experience in order to fully understand the lesson.  Maybe one day I can hear another persons story and be able to learn from their mistakes and not have to walk through it, but today is not that day.  Today I do not seek perfection.  Today I just seek to increase my self worth.

I can see clearly that I am achieving my goals this time.  No longer is it okay for me to hang on to the guy that is going no where in his life because of his own self worth issues.  I cannot,,,, nor do I want to carry him until he gets it.  Nope not my bag anymore.  Thats getting my hands too dirty for someone else.

As I push up my comfort zone and mix with people that in the past intimidated me,  I can see the growth in me as I hold my own in political conversations, business conversation and just general talks with people that I would have never dreamed would be ble to speak a full sentence with let alone sit on a committee with as one of my peers.   That my friends is building some serious self worth in me.

So then why when the business meeting is over or the boot to the loser catupults him to the moon and I am free again........ do I want to run for the hills with a big bag of weed and a bottle of cheap wine?

Celebrate my victory old school style?   .........And it will end old school style for me as well...   Back in detox.

Ya I dont want to go there anymore.  Its time for me to stop spinning my wheels in the mud of low  self worth and move forward in my life.  The pain of staying the same is becoming greater then the pain of change....  So thats what I am doing.  I am changing.