Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Will I walk through Samhains Door?

I have so much going on in my mind as usual...

Actually I don't even think its my mind, it's more my emotions.  I find this phase of my journey to be really hard to label and understand.  I think I have always processed my feelings through my head so when emotional issues hit I rationalize them, divert them and move on.  Today I am learning a new way and it's .... hard.

I know that I stuff my feelings with food and that knowledge has blown my ignorance out of the water.  I can no longer bliss out on food.  I used to Sex my way out of my feelings, such a powerful distraction to dealing with my shit.  I can no longer bliss out in the strangers bedroom.  When all that failed I moved to substances to kill the feelings that refused to be ignored or rationalized or diverted ... I cant do that anymore.

Today  I know that when I am doing those things feelings are bubbling to be dealt with.  I have been walking through these feelings the past month or so and trying hard to just sit in them.  I am eating chocolate and drinking coffee like they are both going out of style.  I am still running.

Why is it so hard to just let them come up to be dealt with?  What am I so afraid of??

I am living a good life today....... NO,   Great Life today, probably the best yet.   I am doing the work for my inner health, so why do I refuse to walk through this door?   Why do I refuse to walk into my feelings?

Rationally I know that nothing bad will come of this, that by walking through the door my life can only get 'even' better.  So why then will my rationalization which I am so fond of not appease me right now?

Am.... I actually afraid of it getting better?

Honestly?   Maybe that is it.  I have been asked before to imagine how good my life can get.  And my life got real good.   Then I asked myself how good can I handle it?  And I pushed for even more good and got it.  I was on top of the world.  My friends are probably sick of hearing this story.  But i wonder now if I am holding on to the story because I have some beliefs holding me back that were born out of that time in my life.

You see the story of my grande success a few years back, ended tragically for me.  I use theatrics to hide the pain of how devastating that period of my life was.  I had it all and the fall from that pedestal was a long one.
I am scared of ruining this good in my life today the same way I did then.  Every day thats good my fear grows.  With every intimate conversation I have with loved ones my fear grows.  With every bonus at work my fear grows.  Every time my girls amaze me..... my fear grows.

I am almost to the point of 'deathly afraid' of losing all this.  Losing it by my own hand.  No one takes this shit from me, no one pushes my off the pedestal.  No I jump myself tearing it all down with me.  I take the sledge hammer to my life and destroy it before anyone else can.  I am in full control of my own demise.

I can see my past as a cartoon right now as each time I rose up in success the goofy rubber sledge hammer comes out to bonk my B'jenga blocks to the ground.  It's almost ridiculous how clear my pattern is and how deep my fear is to move again in that direction.

So does ignorance work in the same way for the good as it does for the bad habits.  No longer able to bliss out on the bad habits and no longer gonna take the blowup sledge hammer to my good?

So if I am always preaching that first comes awareness, then acceptance and finally action... I guess I am in that brutally aware phase.  How do I accept this fear?  And what action do I take to move forward past it?  Through that super scary door that won't stop jumping up in my path??  The gloomy door of feelings?

Ugh... cycles.  The goddess card that i meditated upon today spoke of accepting our cycles and that there is always down cycles to match the good cycles.  This too shall pass she reassured.  I find it amusing as we are coming up on Samhain the witches new year, that I am becoming aware of a pretty deep pattern in my life.

I always destroy my shit because one I am afraid of success and two refuse to walk through my feelings. Soon the turn of the year will be upon us and so too is my life about to begin a new cycle.  I guess my choice is whether i want to cycle with these feeling avoiding tactics for another year or if I want to embark on a new journey into the emotional depths of my being.....

Ugh that thought seriously makes me wanna vomit.  Oddly enough I know its the path I need to choose.  I cannot do another year in this ignorance unblissed torture.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Take Care of You, like No One else can.

So much to write about and not fast enough fingers to keep up with my train yard of thoughts.  All week long I think of what I want to share today and by the time I get to today my life has already moved far past that original thought making it obsolete.

My internal personal growth astounds me on a regular basis.  When you are ready and open and willing to move ahead in life and you take all the proper steps, things move at the speed of light.  That has been my experience anyways.  Maybe its because I have been actually learning this for ten plus years now and it is just finally clicking.  Truly I am  slow learner.  Personal growth and spiritual Ascension is a process and maybe I am just finally seeing the results of some hard worked process's.

Whatever, it is what it is and learning to just, be in it,  is my lesson for today.

Self care, that's what I want to write out today.  Recently I wrote about the stages of relapse, now I need to physically connect to the ways in which self care keep me grounded and healthy.. body, mind and spirit.

There are several points Melody Beatty makes in her self care checklist, not all apply to me so I am only going to focus on what I need in order to stay healthy.  I highly encourage anyone on a recovery path of any sort to read a Melody Beatty book her wisdom on getting healthy is second to none.

Maintaining a daily routine is imperative for me.  I used to try to make my routine so tight and rigid every detail of the entire day planned, that when it was knocked off balance I was a mess for days.  Today I focus on only a few things to keep my days feeling somewhat in my control yet learning to just live life on its terms.

I have a morning practice of meditation.  I spend thirty minutes first thing in the morning with myself doing deep breathing exercises.  I have learned that I hold my breath when I am stressed and didn't even realize how shallow breathed I was until I began deep breathing.  When I take enough oxygen into my system I am less tired and have way more brain power to function.  Doing this daily also helps me check in with my current state of being.  Some days I can barely focus on one full breath because my mind is so cluttered with stuff and other days I have perfect rhythm and clear mind the entire practice.  Learning my states helps me understand when to act on a thought or feeling and when to let go.  This is the sole practice that I cannot let go of or my days go out the window.  I truly don't know how people function that don't practice daily mediation.  In the evening I sit for an hour with my deity in prayer, journal writing and guided meditation.  I do a daily gratitude list in the evening, this time is my step ten where I process my day.  These two practices are my daily routine that keep me grounded and moving forward, this today is my program.

Setting and achieving daily and long term goals.  Constructive planning.  Appropriate decision making.  These are all things Melody speaks of that come without saying when you are on a healthy path.  If these start to slide or you lose focus of these its a warning your not working towards something and we all know if your not moving forward your sliding backwards.

Personal care is another big one for me.  I love the feeling of rubbing a nice cream on my body after a shower.  I enjoy how sensual it makes me feel when my clothes slide along my skin instead of rubbing against the dry patches on my legs.  I like using products that help me to feel pretty and smell nice. Plus a great bath with scented lavender oil makes for a great sleep and rest is key to a healthy lifestyle.  I also like dressing to feel good.  Eating a nutritious diet is a big one for me as well.  When we eat proper portions and follow the Canada food guide our minds and emotions even out and we become balanced within our body.  I exercise on a daily basis as well because this gets me out of my head and into my body.   Being connected to my body is very important for my overall health as I tend to live from my head.

Setting boundaries, resentment free and accepting my emotions is probably the toughest areas for me.  It takes me awhile to recognize a feeling.  It takes me a bit of time to work up the courage to set a boundary and once its set and accepted by the other its even harder for me to keep that boundary myself.  Knowing what my needs are and then seeking to meet those needs is I think another number one for self care.  Its when I ignore my needs that I start to slip into the escapism and the bad behaviours.

Working through feelings of anger have been a recent struggle for me lately.  Understanding that attaching a thought to a feeling is not necessary and that is actually the process by which we create the resentment in the first place.  I learned that I don't have to be mad at someone in order to work through a feeling of anger.  Sometimes we have feelings like we have thoughts that are just random and don't need a tonne of analyzing to work through.  ..... That my friends is a huge huge lesson for me!  I don't need to act on every feeling just like I don't need to act on every thought.

Connection with people.  I am now learning this on a new exciting level.  Part of my self care regime is letting my loved ones in, really giving and receiving love from the people closest to me.  I never realized how much I can give but how little I allow myself to receive.  Being tapped into a higher power I have tonnes of Love in me, that's not an issue, letting people in to love me is.  I am pushing my comfort bubble these days and getting more intimate with my children, my close friends and my co-workers.  It feels a bit scary but at the same time I can feel the respect and love come off of them towards me and it encourages me to keep going.  I had no idea I was not open to love until now.... until I began to feel it.

The last thing on my self care list is... having fun!  I have spent such a huge part of my life working so hard on self help perfection strategies that I have lost sight many many times to just enjoy life.  We are meant to just be, not to figure out the workings of the universe in one day.... we are here to play and laugh and experience a physical reality.  I must keep this fun front and center in my world or I begin to backslide and then seek out the unhealthy ways I used to have fun and well we all know where those ways take us.

Well there you have it... The self care checklist.  Moving beyond a program of recovery into a living program of overall health and vibrancy. As the saying goes.... as long as I follow this way I have nothing to Fear.   I am truly excited about my jounrey these days and where it might lead.  I feel like Forrest Gump, just floating like a feather on a breeze.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Riding a Pallet Raft on the River of LIfe

After much analyzing and much self berating I have come to the conclusion that I am in a low time and that's okay.

I am always in a place of bettering myself.  Working expertly hard on creating inner happiness and when not achieving that, trying some new and different.  I am always doing, doing, doing.  I am master of creating my reality, I am master of breath and directing my thoughts.  I am skilled at cultivating the feelings I choose to have and am truly in full control of every facet of my life.

Everything in that above paragraph is from a place of my Ego/addict/lower self.

Learning to let go of that side of myself means learning to just flow with the river of life.  Letting go of control.  Letting go of trying to be something I am not, of feeling something I am not suppose to.   Learning to flow means accepting the direction of the river and not getting out when I decide I have had enough, or when the turn takes me in a direction that I think is wrong.  Learning to flow means accepting the peaceful ponds as equally as accepting the grande rapids.  It also means accepting the long stretches of the boring sameness.

This is a very tough lesson for me.  Just learning to be.  Just being.  Not judging, just observing whats going on within me.  Detachment has been a ten year lesson for me and one that I think is pounding at my door now.

Let me get real....

I am feeling sick all the time these days, I am burnt out from work and all the excruciating work I put into myself and my recovery in this past year.  I had a wonderful boundary setting talk with my boss the other day where I stated how hard I work and how hard I play and how equally hard I crash.  I do nothing halfway its all or nothing.  Easy does it is lost entirely on me.

I am still of the school of extremes.

When I feel under that acceptable happiness barometer I have set for myself, I get a little crazy.  If I cant get myself out of it in a reasonable time my mind slips back to memories of 6 year long depressions and I panic.  Either upping the happiness anti or beating the shit out of myself to speed up the inevitable.

What I am learning today is that sometimes we have days, even weeks where we are just not brimming with overflowing joy.  And thats okay.   I can see from past experience when I can maintain that joyous nature for extended periods, I am either high or manic.  Neither a welcomed state for me today.

So accepting below the line energy after a long season of hard outdoor work is okay.  Giving myself permission to not be in top form and practicing my standard of perfection is okay.  I am okay.   It's such a scary thought for me to slip below that line and get lost again in that misery again.  However when i see that I am practicing my self care, doing the things necessary for myself to be fully healthy then all I can do is accept the feelings and state that I am in as the state I am suppose to be in.

Compassion for others starts with compassion for myself.  I lack compassion.  I expect perfection.  Fuck step six is kicking my ass these days and flooding light all over my character defects.  Perfectionist, bully and I push to hard.  Lots of prayers have been going out to remove these defects and to move on to letting go and detaching from the behaviour and understanding that is not who I AM.

So flowing down my river in not a fancy river pontoon but a make shift pallet raft is where I will be if you need me.  Facing my inner defective demons and eating humble pie.... all of that said with an abundance of gratitude for accepting the fact that down days are as powerful and wonderful as up days.  I get to spend yet another day cuddling my beautiful yet growing like a beanpole baby girl on our gorgeous couch watching movies on a TV I bought with my hard earned money.  Life is good even if I do feel like a bag of shit.  Thanks for listening,

Friday, October 18, 2013

When Anger turns into Rage


I can feel this anger beginning to seethe right below the surface of my exterior.  Like hot lava just waiting for its moment to erupt.  My analytical mind searches desperately for its root cause so that I may apply the years of training I have had on controlling my emotions.  Yet the searing burn of the emotion blinds my mind to any productive thought process.

 I have been on youtube looking up techniques for dimming anger and I am lead to pages upon pages of meditations and visualizations to help you release the anger.  I listen to talks by Guru's on how anger is a figment of your imagination and therefor not real.  I am faced with all the information that supports the idea that resentments only hurt the person holding them.

None of this is effective for me right now.  I have done the visualizations.  I deeply understand that holding anger is not good for me and is definitely not doing anything to the situation or person it is directed towards.

 Yet I am still seething and wonder why.

This morning in meditation I felt like my higher power was giving me permission to just feel it.  I think maybe that's my root problem is that I completely shut these feelings out knowing that they are not helpful to me.  I skip the steps of moving through the emotion in light of staying in my head and processing there.  I am beginning to learn that I cannot process an emotion in my head.

That thought scares me.

I remember the last time I allowed myself to feel anger, it exploded into rage and became way way larger then I was.

My ex husband had just moved me and my oldest and only daughter at the time to a small isolated northern town for his career.  Within three months of being there and also three months pregnant he wanted to break up.  He claimed he didn't love me anymore nor thought he ever had.  In that moment I was devastated.  Looking back there was pure truth to his words, I was just incapable of seeing it at the time.  I instead went into a rage that was out of my world.

I broke shit.  I yelled.  Then I begged and pleaded.  Then I coward and sunk into the pitty pot.  Then I bounced back out into an even deeper rage.  This went on for months.  I realized my rage was larger then me when after breaking nearly everything in my home I stood in front of the TV with a five pin bowling ball and wondered what the TV would do if I threw the ball at it.   That's when I got scared.

Since that day and up till that day I never ever allowed myself to feel pain in any form.  That rage was years of it erupting like lava.  Looking back today I can see clearly what was happening.  I was angry at being abandoned and left by yet another male in my family.  It was truly my dad the rage was directed at not my ex husband.  (Actually upon proofing this post I see that it was not even my dad I was angry at, it was just the emotion of pain over abandonment that was the cause.  I think learning to not point blame and own the emotion for what it really is.... just an emotion, like a thought that can be overdone.) Looking back now it was a prefect opportunity for us to part ways saving many wasted years....... but oh well can't dwell on that now.

So what is the anger that's beginning to surge through me now?  How do I move through this anger without a repeat of bowling ball to TV?  I love my TV.  Meditations are great, but is not approaching the situation or person better?  Are meditations in some cases just another way to not deal with the issues at hand.  I guess for childhood stuff there isn't anything other then meditations or journalling to deal with it.  What about the stuff that still goes on today?  That must fall under self care.

Going even deeper, how do I deal with something bugging me today but has a link to childhood stuff?  How do I keep the earlier rage out of the now stuff?   I feel like this seething is gonna erupt whether I am ready to deal with it or not, I might as well direct it as best as I can while I still can.  I cannot stuff it with food anymore it's just not working.


Walking through my feelings has got to be the toughest part so far of recovery.  I have no idea what they are when they come up, and once I do identify them I have no idea what they mean or how to effectively handle them.  Its like I am meeting this whole new side of myself that truly has a mind and energy all of its own.  It's surprising and I feel a bit threatened by this side of me.  I have ran the show all these years from my head and now this newcomer waltzes in and thinks she has a better way of living from this thing called the heart?   wtf?

This is gonna be an interesting year for me, I can just feel it.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Pattern of Relapse

What an internal trail I have been trekking these past few weeks.  Nice clean pastures followed by valleys and mountain slopes.  Peaceful at times and then shattered by ferocious roars bursting out of the brush.  Inviting gurgling brooks where I stop and just enjoy the surroundings, and 90 degree slopes that I must pick ax my way up.  

This of course is all metaphorical and inside my own over active imagination.   Theres a full thriving complete world in between these two ears of mine.  But thats a story for another post....

I am processing the Cycle of Relapse.

Being that my story involves so many starts and stops, I am deeply interested in why one relapses when the desire is deep for recovery.  I am also intrigued by the layers of relapse.  When drugs are no longer the focal point, it is amazing to me all the different points that come into focus to replace dope.

I have learned through my third sponsor that I can seek the answers to my recovery questions anywhere I need to if I cannot find them within the rooms of the twelve step fellowship I belong to.  I have asked several people about relapse and the cycle of it and have not received sufficient information to satisfy my insatiable appetite for recovery knowledge.  Even reading the AA blue book and the living clean book have been inadequate in supplying the answers I seek.

 During my entire set of steps, my sponsor and I worked not only the NA steps but also Melody Beattie's Co-dependent steps.  I found the CoDA side of explanations to hit much closer to home for me then the NA ones.  I  am finding the answers on relapse in the same place.

I am in a spiritual relapse.

I like my labels to be able to define and categorize where exactly in my compartmentalized brain the concept fits.  I struggled with considering my mindset as a drug relapse because I have no desire to use and even when presented with the option I choose not to.  Not that I will always as I am a drug addict and can only keep my recovery for so long if I am not working a program.  But I am working a program and still feel like shit.  Actually scratch that last line I am not fully working a program.

I am now understanding my idea of what a program is may be the starting problem.  To me going to meetings, doing step work and connecting to people in recovery is what working a program is.  However I am learning that it actually goes a bit deeper then that now.  Working a program is about self care.  Eating properly, getting enough exercise and taking care of my personal hygiene.  It also means setting boundaries, taking responsibility for myself and honoring my roles in life as mother, employee, Friend and so on.  So working a program now is deeper then when I first came into recovery.  I am not working my program to the best of my ability.

The current book I am reading by Melody Beattie points out all the ways in which we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy, mind, body and spirit, right after she outlines the stages of relapse.  Thats what I am more intrigued about right now.  I need to know the why's and hows of whats going on in my world.  I know something shifted in me a while back, what I don't get is why it shifted.

Now I know why...

So the first step in an emotional relapse or a spiritual one, or even a drug one is... Your emotions shut down.

Looking back now I can see the exact place that this occurred for me.  I was in a place of Goddess connected Love and Bliss for a good solid four or five months around the turn of the year.  I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable early spring and then an insatiable desire to seek out the bad boy.  I convinced myself that it was an innocent past time I was looking for and coming from a place of blissful connection I could handle it.  I see in my 20/20 hindsight that something before that stirred up some feelings of pain and I needed to numb out..... distract with the patterned behaviour of getting romantically involved.  That pattern in its extreme form is the endless string of boyfriends that end up going nowhere.... I see now its just a way of avoiding my own feelings and... Pain.

After Shutting the emotions down our compulsive behaviors return.  The first one for me is over eating followed by a pattern of starving myself under the disguise of healthy fasting cleanses.  When this behavior shows up I know I am stuffing feelings but am usually to clouded to see and just keep cycling here.  When I progress to extremes I move into dope and then the final stage for me is sexing the entire football team.  I can see clearly now my own compulsive patterns.  I have always been on the verge of understanding for a bit now, just not seeing how they all fit into the puzzle, now I do.  Self awareness is key to being able to fully take care of yourself and thus work an effective program.  This phase takes a while to get to though.

After the compulsive behaviors start then that victim self image returns.  Now for me after reading the definition Melody lays out for victim mentality I realize I don't have that, I actually embody the opposite.... runner mentality.  I refused from a very young age after reading a book about child sexual abuse survivors to become a victim.  So instead I grew into the worlds top sprinter.  When I begin to get edgy, not being able to figure out why I am over eating I start the process of elimination.  I do that by finding the last thing that irritated me and I cut it out of my life.  recently it was work.  I am tired and want a break from the long hours, so I figured it was time to write up a new resume and begin the process of looking for a new job.  My runner mentality needs new focus and to create external passion in my life.  Looking for a new job was that for me this time.  Lots of times in the past its been a move to a new house/town/province.

The next phase of relapse is that our self worth drops.  I can see this with looking for a new job.  I started to feel bad because I was gonna jump ship on my boss who has been nothing but wonderful too me.  I started to justify why I needed to move on and it was even getting to the point where I was starting to sabotage my job by way of shitty attitude towards my beloved boss.  Wow, the sinking sensation in my soul even as I write that is effecting my self esteem right now.  My God lets me get away with Nothing these days.... nothing.

At this phase of the cycle is when the crazies return.  Fear comes up and we begin to function from this place.  At my one year cake I opened my sharing with the fact that I am in fear again.  I could not understand why.  I felt undeserving, depressed, over extended, over sensitive  to the point of almost desperation.  I was back in a place of using pain without the fucking dope.... how was this right??

This is where the behaviors come full blown.  This is also where my relapse has stopped.  This is where the fuck you I am gonna act the way I want because I am a scared caged animal lashing out starts.  This is quickly followed by... for me, drug relapse and the... holy fuck how did I get here again!!  I remember this feeling way to clearly from my first several relapses in early recovery.

I cycled through this list at mach speed in early recovery, probably because I never made it to the beginning where my feelings were even open to have a place to shut down.  Thats what the spiritual awakening was for me... Through working the twelve steps openly and honestly I did open to my feelings, thats the difference in my relapse today.  I had further to cycle.

Recovery really is a process that requires patience and a balance of fun in order to get through the layers of the onion necessary to get to the core of why you use to cope in the first place.  Now that i understand the cycle of relapse my attention has moved into what pain was coming up that I wanted to shut out in the first place.  I think through the meeting last night I have a pretty good idea.  A pain that I need to work out in private.  Learning what to disclose was on Melody's self care checklist, something that I think I need to get intimate with.  So this one I will need to process in private I think.

So now that I understand the cycling of relapse, awareness being the first Key, now I can work on the actions needed to keep it from happening again.   Self care.  It's always, always boils down to self care.  And the ways in which we can take care of oursleves is an endless life long journey in itself.  So It looks like I have my work cut out for me.

Have a great Thanksgiving Everyone!!

*** Reposted***  Two years ago.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Is it Easier to Give then to Receive?

 I am having one hell of a time opening my heart chakra.  I have come to the new understanding that I struggle with accepting Love from others.  I am shut off to the receiving of Love.  I cannot let others in.

Those are all pretty negative statements about myself.  My years of new age philosophical study have shown me that these kinds of thoughts and affirming statements keep me in that stuck place.  To turn it around I must affirm something different.  I have been saying some Louis Hay affirmations and this one seems to have triggered  my new understandings...

I am one with Life, and all Life loves me and supports me.
Therefor, I claim for myself high self worth and self esteem.  I love and appreciate myself on every level.  
I am not my parents, nor any addictive pattern they may have had.
No matter what my past may have been, now in this moment
I choose to eliminate all negative self-talk and to love and approve of myself.
I am my own unique self, and I rejoice in who I am.  I am acceptable and lovable.
This is the truth of my being, and I accept it as so.
All is well in my world.

Louis Hay is queen of affirmations.  She has  book called Heal your Life and it is a wonderful program of peeling your inner onion.  I tried her program before falling into the rooms of NA.  I never got her program then, but now through the twelve steps I can access her teachings more openly now.

I started saying this affirmation about a month ago.  I say it when I go to bed.  She has one of these detailed affirmations written up after each chapter of her workbook.  I never really understood why I was saying this one until yesterday. It's an affirmation about addictions which seemed fairly obvious to me when I began chanting it nightly.  What has come to my attention now though is how much more I need to work through other then the surface issue of addiction.

'I am one with life and all life LOVES and SUPPORTS me'.    

I am fairly comfortable tapping divine love in meditation.  I am even getting comfortable generating my own self love through treating myself well and letting myself have fun and enjoy life.  I can feel love rush my heart when I call on it and I can feel it when I eat well or do something healthy for myself.  I love basking in this new found love from my higher self.

I have become uncomfortably aware I am not so okay with others loving me and supporting me though.  Thats what my one year celebration boomed from the box inside my reality.  I am not comfortable with outside support and Love.  I can hear nails grating on a chalkboard.

I don't really understand at this point why that is, other then the obvious... lack of trust.   Is it really that though?  I have been looking deeply into every relationship I have and I can see the continuous flow of outward love from me, but a huge iron wall blocking that flow of love back.  I can give, but cannot seem to receive.  No wonder why I am exhausted these days.

My youngest daughter was rubbing my leg as we cuddled, watching a movie the other day.  I could not focus on the movie, my mind was intensely focused on the uncomfortable sensation that her action was having on my entire physical, mental and emotional being.  I kept telling myself she was just expressing love and to relax and allow it in.  I didn't stop her,and I never relaxed.

That example was probably a poor one, as sexual abuse and physical touching will take years for me to work through, but it does go to show that my wall is there.  I don't let anyone in, physically or otherwise.  Probably why the emotionally unavailable guy is so seductive to me.  He won't seek what I can't give and vice versa.

'I am acceptable and lovable'.       ......not.......

I think this is the line of real focus at the end of this affirmation.  Going beyond the physical abuse of my childhood is really the emotional abuse.  This here ties into to my post yesterday and what deep beliefs were born out of not being protected and cared for properly as a child.  In my immaturity I felt not worthy or lovable enough for someone to stand up for me.  Even when my parent found out about the sexual abuse that had been taking place for almost ten years, they did nothing about it.  The good ol' fashion carpet brush.  I guess to a child if her parents didn't care, then why would anyone else in the world.

I can almost see the walls building in my teen years.  Brick by brick as each toxic teenage relationship affirmed my unlovableness.  The wall just kept getting higher until I started another wall behind the first one.  I am sure today that wall is three layers deep.  

So how do I get past this?  

Awareness, acceptance and action.  

I am always the bright student when it comes to awareness.  I hear it constantly from my counselors and sponsors.  "B, good for you and your awareness, thats the first step'.   I am aware of everything because I trained myself as a child to be highly alert.  I had to be.  To protect myself.  Acceptance is the issue.  I wanna get laid today.  In the worst kind of way.  I know I cant get loaded, my families eyes are on me now.... Stupid marriage of recovery and family through the one year celebration, man NA is ridiculously effective..  So whats the next best way to escape reality for me.... sex'er up!

I need to prove myself wrong on this whole accepting love thing because I know I feel love when I hook up with a guy.  What else can that feeling be?  It makes my heart wanna jump right out of my chest.  I feel warm, loved and on top of the world.  I feel safe and invincible when I am nestled in the arms of a guy.  It doesn't matter if it's a stranger or not, I feel acceptable.

Until the next morning.

So what is it that a seedy, creepy guy gives me that fills me up?  Diseases!  Kinda like my dope feeds a disease.  Why does all of this all need to be so contradictory.  I can hop into bed with a stranger and be okay, yet when my own flesh and blood rubs my leg I wanna crawl outta my skin.

Acceptance without the work.  Thats what the guy gives me.

This stuff I know already, yet still kinda unwilling to accept it.  I would rather the five minutes of relief with a guy then to face the fact I have a shit tonne of work to do.  Pulling down this wall brick by brick makes me squirm in my chair as I type this.  I don't even know where to begin.

I guess once the acceptance occurs then the steps to take action will fall into place.  This is where that serenity prayer steps in and guides my higher power take care of all those details.  I just have to become ready... back to the third step.  No wonder we say both prayers during every meeting.  Sneaky bastards!

I really don't know what I am afraid of.  What would be so bad about allowing love into my life?  I love giving it.  What is so tough about receiving it?  Would my life not be better if I could?  And can I honestly say I am not receiving any at all?  I can feel it seeping in through the cracks in my wall, like everyone's kind words the other night.  What am I afraid will happen when i let my wall down?  My kids are not gonna hurt me.  Maybe the toxic guy will and maybe the vindictive bitch will, but my family won't.  My close friends won't.  And if they unintentionally do, I am way smart and will logicalize that hurt and understand instantly why they did.  So what really am I so freaked out about that I am willing to risk gonorrhea for?

Getting rid of the deep belief that I am not acceptable or lovable.  That's really whats gonna remove the wall.  I need to believe that I am acceptable.  I need to believe that I am Lovable.  Because I don't believe those two.  Accepting those will be the very quick flow into action.  That's where my river is damned.

I guess for now I will keep saying the affirmations that will trick my brain into slowly shifting consciousness from unlovable to lovable, from unacceptable to acceptable.  Till that shift occurs I need to say my serenity prayer and distract myself from that incredibly enticing, hard bodied, sexy, oiled up playboy..........

Oh, Dear Goddess Help me. 

Monday, October 7, 2013

The 'M' Complex.

I love Mother Nature today.  All this rain in early October is not welcomed by my Boss who is trying to run a successful Landscaping business, but to me it is a much, much needed break.  Finally I have had a few days off to not only recharge these old bones but to also catch up on my house work, bill paying, grocery shopping and to even have time to relax with my girls.

I can understand the deep importance of having balance in all these area's now.  I never gave rest and relaxation other then 30 minutes of mediation daily much thought until recently.  There is something deeply therapeutic about being able to just rest not only your body but your mind for a few hours at a time.  I am always from the mind set if your not being productive then your not being.   We are human.... beings though, not human doings.   I am always the human doing and never just the human being.

Let me move quickly into the topic before I lose my nerve.  That first line sparked a topic that is much needed for discussion in my world.  A long over due discussion actually.


I can almost hear the groan.  I don't even know where that guttural sound originates from.  My mom for the better part of my life was my best friend.  I called her for everything.  I moved her up to my northern town 9 hours from home because I could not stand to be without her.  However, somewhere along the way of addiction and recovery I have come to feel such deep intense feelings of pain, rage and contempt towards her.  These feelings confused me and now I think it is time I face those feelings so that I can move on.

How did I come up with that realization?  This is the area of life that I love most now that I am connecting with God/dess.  The signs I get, the lessons I am awarded for just being.  When I observe my life from a detached place I can see the signs that connect with one another and from those signs I get my message from Spirit.

My one year cake celebration meeting was this past weekend.  I entered into that meeting with fear and trepidation.  These past few months I have been shutting down and closing off, I couldn't really put my finger on why.  Until that meeting.  What I thought was fear over being the center of attention was actually the fear of facing my mother head on, the last link to the misery of my past.  The final puzzle piece to be placed in the picture of my pain and suffered childhood.

Letting go always an issue for me.  More comfortable in my self created Hell then the glorious light of the world.  My mother meeting my recovery was why I was sweating the celebration meeting.  My mother being included in my growing light is why I wanted to get loaded and throw it all away.  Having my mother bear witness to real love that is shared with me, love that she couldn't give me as a child and love that I now refuse from her was the reason I didn't want to invite her into my recovery.

I came to all these conclusions from what someone else shared about their own mother during that birthday celebration.  I could feel myself get hard inside and knew that I had some shit to face.  My mom doesn't read my blog, not because she doesn't want to, she does.  I told her honestly that my words might hurt her here and I truly don't want to hurt my mom.  However I am still hurting over a lot of things from my distant past and not so distant past, that need to be expressed.  This is where I process those feelings.  This is my safe place.

I cut my mom out of my life these past few months.  After the meeting I realized I wasn't afraid of being center of attention, I wasn't afraid of the intimacy.  I was truly afraid of my mother being there.  The fear I think though is double sided.  I don't want to see my mom hurt and I really did want to share that the women in the rooms of NA have loved me more fully and deeply then my own mother ever has.  I didn't want my mom to know that's how I feel.  I didn't want my mom to see how many people love me and want to see me get better because to me my mom is the food addict that created my inability to express my feelings.  I didn't want her to realize this and feel bad and slip deeper into her food coma.  I think it was equally as much of protecting her then it was not wanting to let her in.

I am seeing that this is the facing the past that is uncomfortable but sometimes necessary.  I have said to my close support group that there is gonna be a blow out between my mom and I.  I can feel the tensions building between her and I.  More my tensions projected upon her.

I have done some deep meditative healing with my sexual abuser from my childhood.  I have been graced a live phone call with my father where he apologized for all the shittiness of my childhood and his part in it.  That phone call was the most powerfully healing interaction I have ever had with another human being.  Three simple words said with true feeling... I am Sorry, by my dad, released a tidal wave of pent up childhood scars.

I have gained forgiveness with two of my three abusers from childhood, my mother is the last one.  I have seemed to leave the toughest till last.  Probably because I still have yet to accept that her neglect and lack of protection were forms of abuse and contributed the most to my pain and suffering.  And that these forms of abuse are still playing out between us on a subtle scale.  It's easy for me to over look them as she was a child herself and knew no better and still has not learned, but my logical mind is insufficient where my heart is concerned.

I am learning that a human being not doing, just lets spirit walk her through these things.  I did indeed proceed forward to the meeting with my mom, but not so much of a graceful walk as it was a slither in the shadows.  This last piece of my puzzle is a finally that closes that chapter of my book forever.  I know I have written about the ending of my book already happening, but that was before I realized this chapter is crucial to full healing.  I was trying to keep my book clean, happy and white lighted.  Unfortunately, life is not that pristine.  The sooner I accept that the faster I will recover from the addictions that keep me in a rose colored fantasy.

I guess I will sit back now and let spirit clear the air for me and stir up the dust once again.  I will get back in my little row boat and just relax with the waves of life and know that on the other side of fear is my dreams. I will tell myself that over and over again as I heave my breakfast, yesterdays supper and all my childhood emotions up over the side of the boat as each wave rocks my stomach clean.

 I am always heading towards the light even if the skies get gray.  Look at today as a perfect example.... because the skies are gray I get a day off.  Loving the Gray!!

Friday, October 4, 2013

Rounding A Major Milestone!! ONE YEAR CLEAN

**Repost, Oct 2013**

I have been too busy lately.  Way too busy.  September is always a frantic month for me with back to school kids stuff and my belly button birthday, but add in my clean date birthday and CANA convention and all hell breaks loose in this routine little mind of mine.

I finally made it to one year of sobriety on Monday and I have yet to get here to share that with you.  That makes me sad, very sad actually.  I like my Sunday routine of blogging and this past week it was replaced with attending the NA convention.  Which in itself is fabulous and was a huge awaken-er for me, so I cannot complain there, but I am noticing that in my aging days I am lacking the energy to do it all.... actually thats not right, I have tonnes of energy when I eat right, but I am not doing that either.  I am lacking passion in my life, is a more true statement.

When I lack passion and drive for life I find it very difficult to motivate myself to do anything.  The convention awoke me to the realization I have gotten off course again in my life.  Not a huge discourse, just a starting turn in a direction of 'has been'  instead of 'whats new pussy cat'.

I took the day off work today because I am exhausted, struggling with headaches and negative thoughts.  I work 6 days a week over 8 hours each day.  I have been steady at this for several months now with only days off to go do something like conventions and stuff.  I have not had a day to just veg and do nothing.  I feel like I am constantly playing catch up and never getting ahead.  I am burning out.  This is not good for my program.  I have no time for rest or fun activities anymore... not a good place to be in.  Work/life balance is non existent.  I am suffering because of it.

..........I was one year clean on Monday!!!  Yay.  My hands are waving in the air... I did it!!  I say those words with a lack of excitement only because I am unmotivated today, something is amiss in my life.  I am truly happy I got here.  I have some reservations and fears to work through about getting loaded now, because that has been my secret promise to myself for the past six months..... every time I wanted to use, I told myself I would celebrate one year with a glass of wine.  I said it just to get myself to a year and really have no desire to drink, but there still lingers a fear there.

Beyond the reservations though is a good look at where my life is and if I am living my will or Gods will.  When I started my job landscaping, I loved it and firmly believed it was where I was meant to be.  I still believe it was the path I was to take.  However today my mind is shifting and I am not sure if it is because of my own self will and constant need for change and chaos or if it is the prayers I have been sending out about God to lead my life.

You see I have always longed to work with broken teens, since I was a little girl thats what I wanted to do.  I knew from  very young age my sexual abuse would fuck me up as a teenager and therefor potentially as an adult and that brought on this huge desire to help other girls get through it too.  As I grew up I did lots of volunteer work in that field and began my Social work course in college in my early 20's.  Somewhere along the way I got lost and today I work in landscaping.

My desires lately have been tugging me back in that social work direction.  I fight the fear of breaking back on to that path, not entirely understanding of what the fear really is though.  I struggle with working this job that keeps me away from my kids, my life and my program and is slowly loosing its luster.  I struggle with being the flake that cannot keep anything going longer then six months.  Is it boredom or am I tired of working towards someone elses dream?

My daughter came home the other night bursting with excitement over a connection she made for me.  A coworker's husband apparently works with broken teens and wants to meet me this weekend after an animated conversation with my daughter about all my history in helping people including my NA experience.  Kinda puked a bit in my mouth when she told me that part, but I guess he knows of a position that would suit me and is open right now.  I am going to meet him with a new revised resume this weekend.

Self sabotage is rampant in my mind right now.  Staying home from work, hiding in my sleep depression.  Unworthiness bouncing around my head like a wild ping-pong game.  Fighting to motivate myself for a beautiful dinner my best friend wants to gift to me for all the hard work I have put into my year staying clean, and trying to tap into the excitement of my cake celebration tomorrow night and my Woman's meeting open to men.

Being the center of attention is not something I relish in.  I can be the class clown on my own terms, I like making people laugh and smile.  But to be on the receiving end of niceties on a wider scale as this phase of my life is bringing me is highly uncomfortable...

Too much going on in my head, too much happening on the outside world.  Lots of shifting directions, lots of good positive attention, all of this is wonderful.  Yet I am so out of my element I am struggling to stay grounded.  Throw the shit at me and I am your ace in the pocket, but surround me with the white light and I am freakin basket case.

I am sure this is the fear of walking through the unknown.  I do not do anything without theatrics.....   Here is too gracefully walking into bigger and better things in my life...  Oh God... Gracefully!!