Sunday, September 22, 2013

Harvesting Recovery

Happy Fall Equinox!!

 Mabon Celebration of the Pagan Year.   This is the quarter of the witches wheel that brings us into the reaping of what we have sewn this year.  Full Harvest moon still sharing her full light with us also brings celebrations a plenty!   Tonnes of energy and transformation is available to us all at this time of the year.

 In the olden days this is when our ancestors harvested the food that sustained our tribes for the coming year.  It was a busy back breaking time of year, but it was also a time of freshness and abundance and therefore much happiness and celebration.  Today we get our food from the supermarkets and if we garden its for hobby, so our reaping and sewing has moved to a more inner and personal experience.  Today pagans focus on the goals that bring them the green energy from their jobs that supply the means for the supermarket purchases.

So I ask you, what are you harvesting from your Garden this year??

I have been questioning lots this past week about what I have sewn this year and what I am reaping.  I see much growth in my garden for which I am always grateful and awestruck by and I will share in a moment, but I also have some rotten patches in my garden as well.

As I watch the flowers wilt and the leaves turn brown in my small northern city, I get a bit frustrated at the loss of beauty in the flower bed.  I have to resist the urge to pluck all unsightly foliage off the plants I maintain at work.  An impossible task in the fall, and not one thats entirely advised.  I have a hard time accepting anything unsightly in my physical vision as well as my energetic sight.  Accepting death and decay as a part of life and beauty is a hard concept for me.   I am that white lighter that wants everything pristine and perfect at all times with no negative underflow anywhere.

This time of the year is a perfect mix of marriage like happy celebration and funeral like remembrance celebration.  Funny how this time of the year right up to Samhain/Halloween is my all time favorite times of the year yet I can't stand decay.  Astrology teaches me we are a bundle of contradictions within our own personalities......


.......So moving on from the brief lesson in the pagan calender, I have come to realize a tremendous amount of stuff about myself in the past few weeks.  Thats what I want to share here today.  I am 39 years old and feel like a four month old noticing her fingers attached to her hands for the first time.  Excited at the revelations yet saddened by yet again all the wasted years.

I am finally out of obsession .......again.  I see now that anything that fills my void or distracts me from myself and my higher power becomes an obsessive game for me.  Its that instant feel good that I seek which is truly self abuse hidden in those void filling feelings.  Again my forms of obsession are drugs, food, sex and the emotionally unavailable guy.  lol  See how I have changed that from the bad boy.   I am growing up!

This past month I have been repulsed by drugs when I found my daughters stash.  I have binged and then fasted only to become so disgusted with the ridiculously played out cycle that I have gone back to eating for my body and let go of the obsession around food.  I have been shocked to hear myself gasp when a friend mentioned me bringing a guy home, ....ewe..., and I have effortlessly turned away from an opportunity to travel back down the path of the emotionally unavailable guy.   These have all encouraged the lifting of my obsessions and have free'd up my mind and spirit to pursue higher forms of thought and action.

That is the death and decay in my garden.  I have had a terrible time letting those things go.  This entire blog has been my journey though those obsessions that gripped my mind and kept me sick and asleep.  I have had moments to months of freedom this past year and it was in those clear times that I urgently planted seeds for my return in future months when I knew I would get lost again.  Coming to believe is a great process of sleep and waking to the realities of who you really are..... and thats not the monster you perceive yourself to be.   Thats what obsession tells you.

So now that I am not in that place of low self esteem and self abuse where am I?  What does my garden

Funny how I draw a blank now that I am about to talk about some good positive things about myself.  Why is it so hard for us to talk kindly about ourselves yet so easy to rip ourselves down?  I think for me that when I embrace my light and begin to share it with others, some people get offended and attack it.  I personally feel thats why I have a hard time standing in that.  I also feel somewhat arrogant when I feel that I am good at something, or that I am being true to myself and want to share that.  It's truly not arrogance as I am so easily humbled.  I never forget my place in the cosmic food chain, we are all lights and we all have incredible destinies to embrace.  By sharing my lessons I hope to ignite others to theirs, yet I still find it hard to share the good in my life.  My old blogs were so intensely negative that I lost friends over them because my friends could not stand to see me in so much pain.  I can express that easily.  Love..... not so easily.

Oh I have a recent experience to share.....

My youngest daughter was sharing a situation at school the other day with me in which she had the opportunity to practice some advice I had gifted her a while back.  As she proudly reminded me of what I had taught her she was very grateful for my words of wisdom.  I was humbled and almost moved to tears... I really am teaching my girls something.  My older daughter did her first draft on her budget last week and was astonished at where her money goes, this week we will create a solid budget and I am confident I have the strength to hold her too it when it gets tough for her.  At the beginning of the year I set the intent to focus my energy on raising my daughter well.  In the course of that year my adult daughter moved home to reap that benefit as well.... I never knew my garden could produce that, I am doubly blessed.

Last year at Samhain( Thats when the goals are created for contemplation over the winter), I was on Welfare.  I set the intent that I would find a career path that would be able to support me and my daughter and help us flourish not just survive.  I bought her two pairs of jeans for school equally over two hundred bucks!  I could afford it and she is worth it as she moves into grade 8, the year where peer pressure is the toughest.  I am working with a career counsellor gifted to me from social services to better hone my skills and apply them to a real career that will satisfy not only all my needs but incorporate my Passions into it as well.  I am reaping way more then I sewn last year this time.... I just wanted a job.  Now I have a tan, lost almost 30 pounds and have a savings account.

There are some rough patches in my garden though.  I have had to let go of a few people in my life that i loved and others that I have hurt along the way.  I have had some pretty intense confrontations with people and with some of my own inner demons.  I have had to peel away from the obsessions that I am comfortable with and provided me with security and stability.  That last one in itself was truly what recovery is all about and it is scary as shit to find a new way to live.  It's unstable, like a baby taking her first steps, not without tears.

Confidence is only born out of challenges overcome.... so in a bit of a caddy way I lower my vibration momentarily to give a shout out to all the haters in my world this past year.... thank you for helping me get stronger.

So now as I move out of this year and into my next year I wonder where it will take me.  I truly feel a phase of my life is ending and I have finally broke the cycle of self abuse and self hatred.  I feel that what I have been working on for many years is now finally complete and it is time to change directions and start something new.  I feel like a book with blank pages, a second novel to my completed first.  Empty and completely open to being filled with the abundance of the universe.   I AM FREE.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Who starts Fires to feel Joy?

**Repost, so amazing to me that I wrote a similar post last week having completely forgotten I had already been here once.... man I must have the largest fucking onion in the world too peel!**

Funny the things we use to motivate us.  I am struggling a bit to write today, for my weekly Sunday post.  The post that I look forward to the most, part of my Sunday routine and I am a stickler for my routines.  Why am I struggling to write you ask??  Cause I am weened off coffee.  It took an entire week to do soo but it is finally out of my system and i feel fabulous.  Except it was part of this enjoyable blogging routine I had on Sundays.  More then  part of it though was that I feel I need something to spark my heart in order to write.  Before coffee it was weed.  When I quit smoking dope I stopped writing for a long time, until I learned that polishing off a pot of coffee had a similar effect on me.

Beyond just needing coffee to blog, I have come to realize this week during my body cleanse and fast that I need many foods to lift my spirits.  With no exciting foods going into my system this past week I have found my emotions to be completely even.  Calm and peaceful at the beginning of the week.  Towards the end however that same calm and peaceful became flat and boring.  I began to understand how I eat not only to stuff feelings but to actually have them as well.

The girls made me watch the movie Pitch Perfect this week and there is a part in there where the creepy little Asian girl tells someone that she starts fires to feel joy.  As soon as the sentence reached my understanding I thought about all the things I do to feel joy.... food, sex, drugs, boys....  Those of course are the unhealthy ways.  I am learning new and improved ways to feel these same feelings but I was kinda shocked how mellow I am underneath all the outside influences.  How at my center I am pretty solid.

This week has been one challenge after another and I have been able to walk through them pretty unshaken.  Coming out with good realizations, one of which I want to share here today.

As my week progressed I was systematically stripped of all my connection devices.  Connections to the outside world, but not before I was presented with several minor irritations that added up to some pretty massive negative thought provoking situations for me.  In my self centered little world where everything revolves around me, I got caught in stinking thinking about how terrible I am at my job.  By the end of the week I was ready to quit.

I was too busy this week to reach out to my support group, between working my standard ten hour days and having to run errands after work for self care purposes... ei. groceries, school supplies and so on.., I didn't have the time to call anyone about the garbage in my head.  Then as texting became my only option, my cell phone battery decided it was the perfect time to crater and I was left without any time.  For my job, which is imperative nor for connection with my friends.

I stewed hard for two days about this.  Funny that the stewing really was attached to no feelings and that made me feel even more frustrated.  I never wanted to eat or break my fast, it just brought an awareness that was uncomfortable to me.  I am the one that creates the emotional waves in my life, no one else, no outside force does, just me.  Cleansing my insides kept me calm through all this even though my thoughts were ape shit.

Then it dawned on me.   I needed to calm my own mind. I needed to be my own sounding board and talk myself down from the negative thought process I was going through.  I then missed my ex husband.

This is the first time in four years I have allowed myself to miss something of him or our relationship.  I missed the way he used to be able to walk me through the tough times in my life.  Whenever I wanted to give up on something he would be there coaching me through it.  I miss that.  I see now that's what a sponsor does and reaching out to others does, they give us that coaching and boost.

The deeper lesson I learned however was that people are not always going to be available to coach you through something.  I had to talk myself through my negative thoughts Friday.  I had to be the one soothing my negative side with loving words and I had to show myself kindness.  It was extremely uncomfortable.  I felt sadness, a feeling for the first time in the week.  Sadness that I have been the last person out of all my friends and family to show myself love and compassion.

Learning to be single, truly and to take care of myself and all of my own needs means being able to be my own best friend.  To be able to coach myself through tough patches in my life and to gain strength that no matter where I am in life and who is with me that I will be okay.  I am a co-dependent girl who needs something to lean on at all times, people, food, places... whatever.   I need something outside myself to fill me up with a sense of self worth.  This past week brought a deep comfortable awareness that I am learning to find what I need within myself.

I think after four years of running from the original reason why I left my ex I am finally finding what I was seeking then.  Independence.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  I have been so focused on the physical that I have missed the emotional, mental sides of that separation.  Funny how I need to separate from some
others in order to connect with myself.  Life is about connection.  I guess not all connections are healthy ones.  Maybe that will be my new lesson to walk through.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

I am Nobody's Power Source!!

In the blog I deleted just before this one... I have had four fully developed blogs in the past four years that I have deleted just when the meat was cooked to perfection.  This blog has now officially surpassed that and I think I may enjoy the beef.  Yay.  I really am doing things differently this time in my life and pushing past all sorts of comfort zones.  But again the point of the paragraph.....  Before I deleted the last blog I spoke lots about energy and how our bodies are made up of pure energy and how we exchange that energy with others.  That's what I would like to introduce to this blog.

I notice that when Spirit want me to learn something I go through this spiral patterning.  The first time I experience the lesson it is new to me.  Then as I go through the same pattern several more times I become more aware of the lessons and then I strive to break the pattern.  We have lots of patterns we spend our whole lives never noticing, and we have smaller quicker lessons we pattern through.  This energy one that I want to share with you is a quicker lesson for me.

I need to be careful with how deep I go with this here for my loving addict readers.  I have been seen as crazy and off the rails with many of my friends including my ex husband over the years, due to my beliefs in the metaphysics and I don't want to jump into that here and now.  I just want to share with you what I think could benefit you from what I am experiencing.  Ancient traditions leaned heavily on the sharing of ones story and story telling of the ancestors to help people get through their struggles.  Thats the whole theory behind this blog, to share my story and experiences in hopes that you might too learn something about yourself through my lessons.  Or just have a good laugh at how ridonculous my life can be....  whichever.

So let me start with explaining that most of our bodies are made up of energy.  Don't quote me but I think only 30 percent of what you see in this world is actually hard matter the rest is anti matter, which is pure energy.  We are pure energy.  Energy is always shifting and moving it can not stay static, which means we are always giving and exchanging energy.  This is where  drug addicts have found a loop hole....

You see because we are all energy, we need other people to survive.  We need people to share energy with.  Of course there are other exceptions to this rule, but generally we need others to survive.  As drug addicts have learned though we can tap an energy source through our dope and cut all human life away from our little world.  Through drugs we can open an energy portal that will sustain us.... until it kills us.  A dark energy portal...

I will stop that line of exploration there though because its not where I want to go with this post.  I have many ideas and theories on the source of that energy portal that I would love to discuss but for another time. When we are no longer in that dark energy it is up to us to tap into a light energy and to keep that energy strong.  I am struggling hard with this these past few weeks.

I have ranted many times about how eating poorly lowers my energy and I will do it yet again today.  I am over indulging in wheat and just cannot seem to stop... the insanity of my disease alive and well wanting me dead in whatever form it needs to take.  I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning.  I am back to suicidal thoughts, I cannot even begin to explain how negatively wheat effects my mind.  I have been absent minded at work, costing my boss lots of dollars and I just about got hit by a car yesterday because I was confused.  This is serious stuff.

Now I don't think all of that is about eating poorly, a large portion is about self care.  It is up to us to take care of ourselves.  As addicts we want everyone else to take care of us.  We are infants trapped in adult bodies, I haven't grown up yet.  Eating poorly is a form of self abuse, self abuse lowers my energy.  I cannot be in my higher 'power' when I self abuse.   That is why my energy is so low its not just the specif issue of wheat.  I am always needing a scapegoat for my mind to grasp understanding.  The scapegoat here should be me.

By eating poorly I have lacked the energy, with no good fuel going into my chariot, to do the fun things in life that fill me up with more good energy.  So the spiral down has begun.  The more I eat poorly the more I just want to sleep, the more I want to sleep the less energy I actually have, and so on it goes.

Now this is not the end of what is really going on in my world.  Here is where I begin to tread into some territory that borders me on the crazy comments I used to get from my ex husband.

When ones energy is low it becomes increasingly difficult to deal with life on life's terms.  The energy that you do have is spent on just normal functioning of your body, your mind begins to suffer.  When the mind suffers you are unable to process simple changes and challenges in your world.

 My home has shifted drastically in the past week.  Middle daughter home from dads after being gone two months and older daughter now living here as well.  The energy in my home is chaotic.  My energy is already compromised.  There is no place for me to find peace and balance in my world right now because of all the new and changing energy happening around me.  I am not doing well.  When I get panicky like this my mind tells me to fill up more on sugars to get that instant energy or caffeine to make it through.  This is where food becomes a drug for me... sick if I don't get it and makes me sicker when I do get it.

So now I want to take this even deeper still.  I injected my home life unbalance just to give you more basis for the real issue going on in my world and one for which may be harder to grasp.  This is something I have blogged about before many times and this is the pattern I am actually cycling, I am on about the fourth rung right now and not sure how many more I will have to go before I get it.

Psychic vampires, energy suckers.  People that leach on to your energy and feed off you instead of their own life.  Now that sounds kinda extreme and its not really that black and white.  We all give and take energy at different points in our lives.  That's good and healthy.  The people I am talking about here are the ones that have been unable to reach their own inner powers and are still children needing you to take care of them.  Because I am a woman I can only share my experience in this regard to men.  Although I have experienced females that draw deeply off my energy and don't give back, but those friendships for whatever reason are easily cut from my life, its the male energy cling ons that my lesson is with.

The middle man in my triage of recent broken boys is the one I am talking about here.  There has always been an odd eerie connection between the two of us.  Not sure if it is just his Pisces nature or his obsessive nature that makes it so easy for us to connect energetically.   Whichever it is, it's a bitch to break.

The week before he showed up beaten and bruised in my small northern town I had a dream about him.  It was a full moon when he creeped into my nighttime playground, which did not shock me as this is the time we would always come back together for a rendezvous after we had broken up.... for the 100th time.  What surprised me was when he was physically in my daytime playground less then a week later.  He energetically called to me before showing up.  How did he get through?  I have some serious blocks around me where this man is concerned.  Or do I?  I was seriously shaken.

Having such low energy has left some major rips in my auric Field.  Lack of self care has left me in a place of needing someone else to care for me.  The more energy I spent figuring out what is going on with this man, the more i become energetically entwined with him. (Your thoughts have the power to manifest, master your thoughts).   After hearing about his current physical condition my heart leapt out to him.  Even though my understanding is that physically I cannot reach out to him as this would cause both of us more pain in the end, I did reach out spiritually to him.  I found myself astral travelling to him and pain filled my soul as I felt his desolation.

I am now in that desolation with him.  I am submerged in his darkness and I am struggling to get back out.  For the past two days at work I have struggled with keys and doors.  Spiritually translated I am unable to unlock the door to get out.  I have had two days of issues with vehicles, Spiritually I am unable to move.  I almost got hit by a car,  spiritually I am in a dangerous place.

 Did he reach out to me or did I actually call to him?  When I was getting ready for Aventa a drug treatment, he kept me so preoccupied that I was ill packed, ill prepared and almost missed my bus there.  I needed to escape the fear and change of going to Aventa.  Am I avoiding the fear and change of both my girls moving home?  Am I in fear of the direction my life is taking into the light and into my future?  Am I struggling to hold on to an abusive energy that my inner child is so comfortable in?  Is this me not letting go?

I always assume full responsibility for all in my life.  I am learning that I can only take responsibility for what is mine.  Hard lesson.

I cannot believe that all of this reaching out is only on my part.  He is the one that showed up in the physical bruised and broken.  I think truly him and I are remnants of twin souls and we are patterning the same lessons in our own lives and reach out to each other for support.  I do believe in soul mates but not like others do in the coupling of romantic partners.  We travel in soul groups facilitating lessons for each other.  This man is a bit deeper then a soul mate he is a twin that has the same energetic make up as me and we are easily attracted to each other.

The easily attracted would be all wonderful and romantic if we were both healthy and strong in our own powers...... but we are not.  We are struggling adult children that can and will drown each other if we allow the connection between is to stay attached and building.

I have been working very hard the past few days to cut those cords and break that connection.  I am learning that many others are also energetically attached to this situation and I feel like I am fending off an army of energetic suckers wishing to do both him and I harm.  I hate cutting him loose to fend for himself, but if I want to find that door and use the key to unlock my future I have to let go.  I have to get out of the way of that moving vehicle and get into my own.  I cannot be responsible for the broken bad boys anymore.  I cannot fix them in hopes that it will fix my dad.  (Ahh.. Pause for dramatic realization)

(and skip over realization, not ready to go there)  I need to put my attention on the things that are in my power to take care of...... my girls and myself.    I am tired of always putting broken men in front of my beautiful daughters.

So as I struggle to eat well and raise my energy vibrations back up, I am now deeply aware of why I must do this.  My self abuse is directly effecting those girls.  My self abuse is allowing dark energies into my space.  Those energies are threatening to take me back out.  They say relapse starts way before the actually drug hits your system.  If I get back physically with bad boy number two it will end in relapse.... it always... always has.  Insanity says it won't.   So here is to me growing up and taking care of myself.  Its not selfish to take care of our self... it's childish not to.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Bowled Over by Other Peoples Thoughts

Letting other peoples opinions sway me has always been an issue of mine.  I never really understood this as such until very recently.

When someone I respect, or someone that I feel is an authority on a subject makes a comment about me, that comment seems to seep into all the little pockets of my brain.  Like their words hold this magical power to create that comment within me even if it is an inaccurate observation.

I never realized that this was part of my struggle to stand in my own truth.  I am forever believing what others think of me.  Even when what they believe does not resonate with me at all.  People who have lots of experience with a topic of belief are the ones that sway me the most.  Its not that i believe every little waif that strolls in and out of my life.  No it's the ones that other people respect and that are truly women standing in their own powers that creep into my mind and have me second guessing who I am.

It's not like these women mean to knock me over with their opinions.  They are just stating their observations from their perspectives.  I am just coming to learn that any perspective outside myself is a jaded one without all the information.  So there is no way the observation is entirely accurate.  This is me learning how to stand in my own truth.

I have heard it said many times that if something bothers you about something someone says to you, look within to find the reason.  I took that as I am wrong and they are right.  Which I am now seeing is not correct all the time.  Some of the time it indeed is, but some of the time it is actually the opposite.  The opinion that bothers me is the one that I am needing to learn to stand up too.

I am not talking about huge hurtful comments here, I am just making reference to two separate opinions by two totally different women about two completely different topics that both had me pegged inaccurately.  Simple comments but none the less the lesson was not lost on me.  I am slowly learning what my truths are through the comments of others.  I am learning to identify the inner naggings that follow interactions with others that just don't feel right.  I am learning to follow my own light instead of being mindlessly lead by another.

I am seeing how much I am becoming my own person.  How much stronger I am getting in my own confidence not to accept other peoples realities as my own.  I am creating my own reality and I am loving it.  My reality is way more imaginative and enjoyable and for that I am coming to love my life.

I normally don`t post first thing in the morning like this, however I really needed to fire this one off before it got lost in the depth of my over worked mind.  I do have another post thats much more spiritual and I am not sure how it would be received here that I would like to write later tonight, but we will see what spirit has to say about that today.  Have a great day folks!  Stand in the truth of who you are and know that not every comment made by the people you respect are accurate.  Go within for that answer.

Monday, September 2, 2013

A Broken Dis-eased Girl

99.  Double digits.  I used to believe that there was such a deep sign in seeing double or triple digits around.  If I seen quads like 11:11 I would feel a deep twinge in my guts that it was a huge message for me.  That was until Badboy number 2 took my fun game to an extreme and made it something obsessive and gross.  99 posts today, that's why I started off with the number thing... although the number thing was brought back to my attention yesterday as I was driving to another city to get my baby girl from her dads.  Haunted by the boy and the digits everywhere I looked.

I am a mess today.  I want to get all melodramatic and say I am on the verge of a relapse.  But I am not.  Or maybe now that I am really clean it's a nervous break down I am going to have.  I am sure it's not.  I just feel like my head is a tiny bingo wheel and all the balls are bouncing around in there just waiting to be plucked and called out for everyone to scan and see if that thought is a winner for them.  My thoughts are not gonna win anyone anything today though... I am crazy.

The insanity of my disease has been cycling through my world the past couple of days as I am informed of the insanity of my ex fiance's disease.  Funny how when I am loving up on one of my three badboys they take on a different image.  I never acknowledge that badboy number two and I were slotted to get married.  It's something I like to forget because it was a symptom of my disease.  However we were together for a few months and truly I did find unconditional love through him.  I did so well with that unconditional love that I was able to let him go and let God take care of him.  Accept I don't know if God did take care of him.

I am sitting in some shit today in a few different piles of it actually.  I feel like the world is challenging my every turn this past couple of months.  With each challenge I come through I feel more humbled and confident at the same time, however I also become more afraid one of these times I am not going to over come the challenge presented.  That where I am at today.

With my youngest daughter now home, my little physical world looks like a bomb exploded in her living room.  I do not do well with physical chaos in my living space.  Prior to the bomb hitting my home, it hit my purse with new school clothes, leaving me feeling anxiety riddled.... I am a saver.  Those two things alone are changes that will have me a bit rattled on good days.  Add in the five hour drive stuck in my head about the insanity of my disease.... which I will get to in a moment and then to come home to a smack in memory using lane.

My oldest daughter and her boyfriend were at my house waiting to hit up the club scene, when I got home.... I was hungry, angry, lonely and tired.   In an instant I was taken back to the party house we all lived at together and the lowest point of my using.  I jumped right into drug talk.  I was triggered and felt like I was sinking fast.  Such a horrible feeling to be there.  Even worse feeling to know that I cannot avoid them any longer.  I have been for months.  These are the two people that I cannot cut out of my new world and must learn to rise above.  That was the true challenge last night and I think I failed at it.

In a more positive note I do know that the awareness is a hard earned reward and one for which brings too much humiliation to ignore for the next time I am in that situation.  I must must must not allow myself to get to H.A.L.T.   or that when I do.... I scream the words stop in my inner mind and zip my lips instead of fire off my cool old lady gangster i am da' bomb verbal diarrhea.

So lets get to why I was in my head for five hours about the insanity of my disease because that's really what the main issue is here.  Ugh.  I don't even know how to begin or even if I want to go here.  These are the things I am so sick of patterning around, but I cannot ignore the blaring truth of my disease when it smacks me in the face as it has this week.  I also hesitate because I am not into gossiping and that's kinda what this will feel like, however I cannot think of any other way to share my part in something without including part of their situations.  As always I never use names and for that I will stick to my story teller persona and asked that this be received in like fashion.

.... Once there was this girl who was broken.   There were no form of mirrors for her to reflect upon in her dark little world, so she had no idea she was broken.  Her existence was a separated one, living in a selfish realm she found her only comfort in fixing other people.  Her speciality... beautifully broken boys, masked as the infamous bad boy.

Her first victim a dark shaggy haired ex hockey player gone rogue.  Captive in a drug house she free'd him and nursed him back to health.  Such a successful triumphant heart she had.  He shined up like a new penny.  She was fixed and felt complete.  ... Oh I mean he was fixed and ready for the world.  All was well.  She lived in this world but a mere couple months, a world of love and glowing embers.  ........That is until she found her new little prized trophy had gone back to the love of HIS life.........  Her illusion shattered.  In the moment she seen them together time stood still.   She drove off in a haze of rage, moments lapsed and her car was pointed at the pole with the big C sign on it in a deserted parking lot.  Autopilot pounded her foot on the gas peddle. Nothing in her mind but the searing burn ripping through her chest.  Ending the pain was her only focus.    As a low deep primal howl pleaded from the back seat she was so annoyingly reminded of the great big black elk hound she had just picked up as a gift for her lover.  Clarity in that moment brought both feet onto the brake peddle with but an inch to spare.

A hysterical call to a friend brought her to the awareness maybe it was time to deal with her sickness.

Off to Narcotics Anonymous she dragged herself on the advice of her friend.  Believing that the drugs made her brain all crazy like this.  She would learn through the twelve steps that drugs were but the symptom of a much deeper issue.  But for now.....It took a few months of false attempts and weak starts to actually jump off the platform in to the waters of healing.  When she did it was only a matter of days before she found her new shiny toy.

He was so put together and polished.  He had nice clothes, the perfect shoes.... she really has a thing for shoes... he had cool piercings and hot tattoo's.  And this one was already clean!  The first time she seen him she thought she had just seen divinity in the body of an older man.  Poor girl had no idea that the devil packages things is flashy boxes to get your attention.   It was not long before her new conquest was proposing to her and sweeping her off her feet to new lands... the knight in shining armour that he was......

Wait!  Scratch the dvd here and rewind.  Narrator interjects.....  The sweet little girl is back in her delusional disease again, the real story goes more like this....   After but a couple months she begs good NA  boy to get her an innocent little pinner to calm her nerves.  Its acceptable right, maintenance right?  It's better then jib right?  The drug she lead him to believe was really her kryptonite.  Which sorry to say folks wasn't it was and always has been the innocent little leafy plant. she can do the harder stuff and it doesnt get her nearly as much as the softer easier stuff does... can't explain why, but its the truth.   Truly, however as you are learning even that is'nt the real manifestation of her disease.  So with ganga back in her brain she convinced good boy it was time to run away, she was done with this good girl shit.

He felt he loved her and followed her, surely knowing this would end badly but not wanting to lose the prize he was also trying to fix.   Oh how likes attract likes.   In their glow they fell into a sick love and stayed blissed out for all of three months before the train hit a wall.   Packing a suitcase and waking her beautiful daughter they boarded a midnight bus back home.  Starting over once again.

Off she dragged herself back to NA humiliated.   Trying to get back on her feet she had a few more slips as shiny polished boy kept popping up at the most inopportune times to claim her love.  Both falling victims to their perspective drugs of choice, neither one able to fix and save the other.  Finally after enough pain she slammed the door once and for all on the sick obsession they both shared.... each other.

Finding freedom our little self centered girl began to grow and experience real recovery.  Putting her self back together and building her life was her main focus for a good solid six months.  It took a few months to let go of her polished boy even after slamming the door, but before her next victim she did experience a profound freedom in fixing herself instead of others.  She grew by leaps and bounds and some days didn't even recognize herself now that she lived in a world with mirrors.  She was learning to love her new world of light and connection.

Thats why she had to destroy it before it got to good.  In enters distraction number three.

He had been energetically calling to her for months.  He sat across from her at the meeting she came back after the midnight bus home.  As she cried and let out the pain of her humiliation, he cradled her with his gaze.  Through the next year they watched each other stumble and fall, holding each other from a distance.  ....Wait!!  Scratch the fucking dvd again... crazy bitch you are so delusional.  You wanted to get laid and you knew he was easy.... fuck girl get honest!!

Okay, Okay!!  So she wanted to mess up her perfect little good girl world with a romp in the darkness and your right she knew he would be a wild ride.  So she jumped on with no reservations.... she wanted a thrill.   And thrill is what she got, but not even close to the form she expected it to take.  Funny how stories seem to take on a life of there own even to the author.  This ride which she thought was going to be a fun roller coaster ended up being a haunted house with the drop of doom as the grand finally.  Nothing but pain came out of that interaction.

End of story.

Or so she wishes.   In the moment of insanity where she chose bad boy number three she made such a mess of her building existence that she was once again brought to her knee's of humility but this time not from dope but from the more devastating manifestation or acting out of her self centered separated sickness.... fucking with the broken boy.

...........You see this week it's all been brought up for me to deal with the repercussions of my actions.  The most recent bad boy got loaded and is behind bars again, from the information I have received.  My shiny polished boy just crawled back skinny and broken into the rooms.  And the original bad boy is so happily in love with his girl and still has the job he got when I fixed him.

All of this information flooded my world in the past seven days.  My heart aches at my part in all of these mens drama's.  I am glad badboy number one is happy, truly I am.... but I wanted him happy with me.  I am sick that polished man is crawling back broken after an innocent joint lead him back out two years ago... don't get me wrong I am really happy he made it back.  And I am even more sick that badboy number three is institutionalized.  He was in relapse mode way before I came in the picture, but I had a part to play in quickening his journey.

The shit piles I must sit in today is the understanding that I am a selfish little girl who at the expense of others always gets what she wants.  I can see fully that my inner world is directly related to my other world and I am not separate from anyone else.  We are all connected in love and sickness.  In choosing the sickness, the darker avenue I have effected people in a negative way.  My lesson to learn is that by choosing love I can effect people in a positive way.  When I heard bad boy number one is doing really well and is happy, I realize even though I didn't get what i wanted out of that situation it was something I did do in love, I was not far gone in addiction or pain yet.  I really did just want to help him, it was my illusion that seen us together as more.  But the truth of the other two is that I cannot fix anyone.  They have to want to fix themselves.  As much as I want to reach out to bad boy number two it will only make things worse for him.  My true unconditional love for him, tells me to stay far away from him.

My course of action must be to keep walking forward and deal with my own challenges of my daughters.  Building my life and moving into the unknown future that is only mine to live.  It is truly time for me to let go of the self defeating pattern of trying to fix the broken boys in order to fix myself.  I need to get honest and fix myself instead.