Sunday, September 15, 2013

Who starts Fires to feel Joy?

**Repost, so amazing to me that I wrote a similar post last week having completely forgotten I had already been here once.... man I must have the largest fucking onion in the world too peel!**

Funny the things we use to motivate us.  I am struggling a bit to write today, for my weekly Sunday post.  The post that I look forward to the most, part of my Sunday routine and I am a stickler for my routines.  Why am I struggling to write you ask??  Cause I am weened off coffee.  It took an entire week to do soo but it is finally out of my system and i feel fabulous.  Except it was part of this enjoyable blogging routine I had on Sundays.  More then  part of it though was that I feel I need something to spark my heart in order to write.  Before coffee it was weed.  When I quit smoking dope I stopped writing for a long time, until I learned that polishing off a pot of coffee had a similar effect on me.

Beyond just needing coffee to blog, I have come to realize this week during my body cleanse and fast that I need many foods to lift my spirits.  With no exciting foods going into my system this past week I have found my emotions to be completely even.  Calm and peaceful at the beginning of the week.  Towards the end however that same calm and peaceful became flat and boring.  I began to understand how I eat not only to stuff feelings but to actually have them as well.

The girls made me watch the movie Pitch Perfect this week and there is a part in there where the creepy little Asian girl tells someone that she starts fires to feel joy.  As soon as the sentence reached my understanding I thought about all the things I do to feel joy.... food, sex, drugs, boys....  Those of course are the unhealthy ways.  I am learning new and improved ways to feel these same feelings but I was kinda shocked how mellow I am underneath all the outside influences.  How at my center I am pretty solid.

This week has been one challenge after another and I have been able to walk through them pretty unshaken.  Coming out with good realizations, one of which I want to share here today.

As my week progressed I was systematically stripped of all my connection devices.  Connections to the outside world, but not before I was presented with several minor irritations that added up to some pretty massive negative thought provoking situations for me.  In my self centered little world where everything revolves around me, I got caught in stinking thinking about how terrible I am at my job.  By the end of the week I was ready to quit.

I was too busy this week to reach out to my support group, between working my standard ten hour days and having to run errands after work for self care purposes... ei. groceries, school supplies and so on.., I didn't have the time to call anyone about the garbage in my head.  Then as texting became my only option, my cell phone battery decided it was the perfect time to crater and I was left without any time.  For my job, which is imperative nor for connection with my friends.

I stewed hard for two days about this.  Funny that the stewing really was attached to no feelings and that made me feel even more frustrated.  I never wanted to eat or break my fast, it just brought an awareness that was uncomfortable to me.  I am the one that creates the emotional waves in my life, no one else, no outside force does, just me.  Cleansing my insides kept me calm through all this even though my thoughts were ape shit.

Then it dawned on me.   I needed to calm my own mind. I needed to be my own sounding board and talk myself down from the negative thought process I was going through.  I then missed my ex husband.

This is the first time in four years I have allowed myself to miss something of him or our relationship.  I missed the way he used to be able to walk me through the tough times in my life.  Whenever I wanted to give up on something he would be there coaching me through it.  I miss that.  I see now that's what a sponsor does and reaching out to others does, they give us that coaching and boost.

The deeper lesson I learned however was that people are not always going to be available to coach you through something.  I had to talk myself through my negative thoughts Friday.  I had to be the one soothing my negative side with loving words and I had to show myself kindness.  It was extremely uncomfortable.  I felt sadness, a feeling for the first time in the week.  Sadness that I have been the last person out of all my friends and family to show myself love and compassion.

Learning to be single, truly and to take care of myself and all of my own needs means being able to be my own best friend.  To be able to coach myself through tough patches in my life and to gain strength that no matter where I am in life and who is with me that I will be okay.  I am a co-dependent girl who needs something to lean on at all times, people, food, places... whatever.   I need something outside myself to fill me up with a sense of self worth.  This past week brought a deep comfortable awareness that I am learning to find what I need within myself.

I think after four years of running from the original reason why I left my ex I am finally finding what I was seeking then.  Independence.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  I have been so focused on the physical that I have missed the emotional, mental sides of that separation.  Funny how I need to separate from some
others in order to connect with myself.  Life is about connection.  I guess not all connections are healthy ones.  Maybe that will be my new lesson to walk through.

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