Monday, September 29, 2014

Building on the Foundation of NOW.

The Power of Now.  Now and Then.  Past and Future.  Before and After.  Black and white.  Good or Bad.  The dis-impowerment of duality and Time.

It's been awhile since I have written anything new.  It took me a few weeks to re-upload all my posts that I deleted in a fit of anger.  I am fairly certain I wont do that again.  I have struggled many times over the content of my blog and sharing my personal thoughts and feelings here.  I have hit some pretty negative feed back from close friends and family because of what I choose to express within these pages.

I have come to learn people are uncomfortable with the past being brought into the now.  People are also uncomfortable with Secrets coming to light.  I am uncomfortable with these things.

I have been living in a constant state of uncomfortable as of late.  This is the Power of me sitting in the Now and not resorting back to the past or skipping ahead to an imagined future that is yet to exist.

I am coming to learn that most of my waking moments are spent thinking about the mistakes of my past or in positive healthy moments happy memories from my past.  I am from the school of thought that I must drain every single drop out of a past experience so that I may learn the full value of the lesson in order to create the incredible future that I know is mine to create.

And this trained thought behavior has once again landed me in a drug relapse that I am slowly
crawling out of.

I seriously contemplated deleting all posts of this blog that I just painstakingly re uploaded in order to start a new fresh format, with a new focus for my posts.  I have weaved the same thoughts repeatedly over the past few years throughout these posts.  Re reading some of the things I have experienced in the past few years was a hard hitting reminder of this topic of living in the Now.

 I don't live in the Now.

I have been so busy running away from my past.  Too busy drowning in my anger and resentments towards my family that I haven't progressed past level eight years old on my treadmill of life.  All the situations I create in my world today are in some way recreations of the abandonment, betrayal, neglect or abuse I experienced as a kid.  I am in a constant Victim loop.

I believed that if I just ignored my childhood that I was a survivor and that I would easily let go of the past.  I thought I understood the process of forgiveness and had worked through the necessary counselling grindings in order to release my past.

I was wrong.

What I effectively did was brush everything under the carpet and closed the lid on the festering secrets.

What I thought was letting go through forgiveness was actually rationalizing away the behaviors of my abusers.  What I thought was working through the events was truly just skimming the surface to show that I wasn't keeping the secrets to myself anymore.  I was doing what the books taught me to do in order to become healthy.

I missed a very key element in all the logical pathways to freeing myself from my past.


I was in a constant state of stuffing or numbing my feelings.  Food or Drugs have been my constant friend from the time I was 13 on, since the abuse stopped and I began running away.

I have always, I Now understand, have been running to a future that has got to be better then my horrific past.   Its been almost thirty years since I was a victim yet I volunteer on a daily basis to subject myself to continued abuse.  Of course its not as intense as what it was then but there is always an element of pain in every relationship I hold and ever experience I create.  A sense of less then worthy in every dealing I encounter.

I am stuck in the past.

Wait let me rephrase that.  I was stuck in the past.  Until recently.

Crisis brought me to my knee's recently and my garbage can of festering secrets has busted wide open and the pain and feelings of anger and betrayal are flowing out of me like a flooded dam.  I can be no other place but the Now in this moment.  It is too fucking painful to be any other place then the now.

I remember clearly after I left my husband and kids, the confusion and pain I was experiencing was so great that I would have to stop myself and ask myself three important questions.  1. Am I alive right now? 2. Do I have food in my belly? 3. Do I have a safe place to sleep tonight?   Sometimes the answers to these questions were shady, like only having my car as a roof over my head and a three day old 7-11 sandwich in my belly, but it worked, it always calmed me down and refocused me back in the moment.  I find I am having to do that again today.

I need to keep myself on this moment these days because if I look at the fact that I am not working during the busiest part of our work season I get overwhelmed with guilt for letting my boss down.  If I look at the fact I got taken yet again through a rough drug relapse I will beat myself up and go back into it.   If I think about the fact that i just burnt my business plans to the ground I will throw my hands up and give in to worthlessness.

These are all thought patterns that tie me to a past that no longer exists and creates my future of continued victim hood.  I need to focus on this very moment and be in the now.

My now is extremely uncomfortable.  I am going through intense counselling that for the first time I am letting the feelings of anger, hate, rage, hurt, betrayal and sadness come to the surface to finally get their time in the spotlight.  I am letting the understandings that the pictures I painted of loving family members are inaccurate and am sitting in some hard truths that I have been running from my whole life.

In the now I am working on a dissociative personality disorder that needs to be acknowledged and then put back into her proper place.  I am working on depression and mania to bring my emotions back into a normal healthy range, learning to actually express them instead of stuff and numb.

In the now I am using the time off from work to treat my drug addiction and food addiction.  To regain my health, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  When I am focused on just today I can let the emotions, situations or thoughts arise to be worked through and redirected into an avenue that will move me forward instead of constantly loop me, begging for my attention.

There are many paths to healing and many paths to God.  I have Chosen Narcotics Anonymous as my path.  The reason why I wanted to delete this blog is because of all the slamming I did on this fellowship through these posts the past year.  I decided against deleting because I think its important to accept my human failings and just continue to move forward instead of trying to rewrite the past always.

So here is to Living as best as I can in the Now.  Letting go of Past haunting and future buildings, allowing myself to just Be the foundation.  Just for Today I will Live in the Now.

Follow the White Rabbit.....

For more Healing.....


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Oh Lordy, I am Forty!!

Lordy, Lordy Look who's Forty!

What a terrible saying.  I have decided this only today as I face that milestone head on.  Yesturday that was a funny saying when said for someone else.

I have been anticipating and dreading this day since I turned 39 last year.   All year I have referred to my age as pushing forty.  I have whined about how infantile I still feel, how little I have accomplished from my teenage to do list and I have fretted over what this decade might bring me.

  I came to realize over this past year.....

I worry way to much.

How much time, space and energy have I lost over sitting in the past or stressing about the future?  I bet 20 good years have been lost to the present moment due to being trapped in a past loop that creates a future fear.  What a waste of time it has been as I sit here and can see from experience that I only force out a negative future from too much time spent living in a past that is dead and gone.

I am simultaneously tired and motivated.  I am so tired of four decades of recreating the same patterns of defeat.  Cycling the same issues with the same people. creating the same outcomes and experiencing the same things over and over again.  Really tired of it.  I can say that as I sit here with 13 days clean and totally exhausted from the theatrics of my mind.

I am at the end of my very last cycle of defeat.

Phoenix rising.

In this forced peace and serenity however there is a glimmering spark of motivation growing there.

 I have a new sense of freedom rising up from four decades of experiences.  I have a new sense of understanding about how this game of life might work.  New confidence is bubbling up within me.  A confidence that is excited to see what this fourth decade might bring now that the shift is occurring within me.

I feel like a another dam has broke within my soul recently.  A dam that was keeping me too the darker more rough and struggling river.  But now this opening has allowed me to switch tracks into a more free flowing and gentle river.  A river that scenery is much more breath taking and the rocks softer to slide over.  The water not so muddy.

As I sit in this place of nothingness I wonder.

I wonder at where I have been.  I wonder at all the paths I have taken to get here.  I wonder at where I am in this moment.  I wonder at my surroundings as i sit on a bench and view my life from an observers perspective.  Contemplation.

I wonder what paths I will take now knowing what I know.  I wonder where i am going now that I am freeing myself from my past.  I wonder who I will become in my new serenity and peace.  I wonder what it will feel like to let go and float down the river.  i wonder what the sun will feel like as it kisses my skin and if the fish will keep pace with me.  i wonder if at some point I will end up in the ocean where dolphins will want me to play with them.

Am i tired or have I just truly and finally let go?

Am i motivate or have i just truly and finally let go and am allowing the energy of this universe carry me forward.

 I feel such a deep sense of peace today.  No high electrifying me and no low dragging me down.... just a calm and relaxed feeling that everything is exactly as it should be.

Well Lord, I made it to forty... you were right.  Now what?

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Growing in Love

What is Love?

It has been my lesson this past year to understand the many layers of love.  My deepest question is to understand what unconditional love looks like.

It surrounds me on all fronts lately, people telling me about their grande love affairs, others telling me of falling out of love and yet still others that surprise me and show me love in unconventional ways.

 There are many faces to love and it seems to be this energy that is ever changing and damn near impossible to put your thumb on and hold for any amount of time.

Recently, I felt like I had fallen in love with a guy, (again).

 I question the validity of that statement.  Looking over my own blog posts as I re-publish them it seems that I have a pattern of 'falling' for the unavailable broken man.  Ha!... pattern?  More like sick cycle of sabotage.

I was once told by an old flame that people fall in love at first sight and as they get to know each other they either fall out of love or more deeply in love.  I suppose thats true.  I thought because I didn't fall in love with this guy instantly but over time,  that it meant this was something different or special.

Feeling more into it today I think that conclusion is wrong.  I think obsession would be a more accurate conclusion.

When we first start a dirty habit we don't necessarily like it.  Take smoking for instance, most kids cough and find cigarette smoke to be disgusting the first time, but because all their friends are doing it they force themselves to and thus become addicted and learn to depend upon it.  I think that is what just happened in my mind where this guy was concerned.

 He was a dirty habit?  Or maybe a chasing of the Dragon.... Sex was really really good, which was shocking considering surrounding factors.  Maybe I was unwilling to look past that and created an entire relationship on but a minuscule factor?

I think I fall in romantic love from a place of desperation.  That desperation having many many layers and not all layers obvious to the naked eye.  My last love claim from a couple years ago started out that way.  I wanted out of my feelings, a distraction from the train wreck my life had become.  But truly I believe it ended in a more unconditional place. The guy had a great personality if he could stay clean longer then five minutes.  I had to walk away to save myself as much as save him.

My ex husband was the same as the above, an act of desperation.  I was attracted to him only because every other girl wanted him.  He knocked me up and well the rest is history, three kids later I couldn't stand him romantically but he became my best friend otherwise.

What constitutes love?

Obviously I am getting hung up on romantic love here for the most part.

I have women in the twelve step fellowship that have been my dear friends for several years now that when I think about how much I respect and honor them tears come to my eyes.  That's a deep love that many of my blood relations and I do not share.  I have friends that have been in my life for decades that I would take a bullet for because my love for them is stronger then any dude could ever draw out of me.  My children draw a love out of me that is creepy at times... and they tell me so when I give them the overly proud momma look.

I know what unconditional love is.  I have that deep resonating feeling in my life on all fronts but romantically.  Why is that?  Why is it so hard to transfer that same vibration into something beautiful that I can share with a man that I can connect to in ways that I could never connect with my friends?

Recently someone shared their story with me of their husband falling out of love with them.  My ex told me that after he moved me to an isolated town away from my job and supports.  It devastated me.  I never recovered and truly think that my revenge was plotted way before the delivery seven years later.

How does one just fall out of love with another?  Could I fall out of love with my children?  Is that a different love?  An unconditional one?

The new age speaks multitudes about moving from a place of fear into a place of love.  So romantically if one were to fall out of love then they would be moving into a place of fear.  Why do we allow ourselves to go there after the beautiful fall into love?  Actually its not really a beautiful fall into romantic love for some... scary as hell for some of us.  Is that way they use the phrase 'falling' in love?  I hate the feeling of falling.

I really am not sure where this post is going or what my purpose is, I just feel that as I round my  birthday, I am reminded of all that I wanted to achieve this year.  I let addiction take me back out again and ruin much of my goal list.  But unconditional love was on the top of that list.  I wanted an understanding of what that was.  Of course in my mind I was focused on the romantic mask.  Maybe my lesson was to remove the mask and see it for what it really is underneath.

Its self love.

Its knowing who I am and what I want.

Its about reaching out and finding out who is there for me and who is not.  Its about facing the hard truths that just because you want someone to love you does not mean they can or even want too.  Its understanding blood does not equal love.   And sex is an action not an emotion.  Love is about letting people into your heart and your heart will only allow people in that are worthy of it, all other heart attachments are illusions.

 I have learned how easily it is too fool myself of a love that is not even close to being there.

 Situations do not create love and I don't believe love needs to be worked at.  A relationship does but if love is there both parties want to work at it because its natural and feels good.  17 years did not make me love my ex more... time is not always the answer for love.

I am almost at the half way point of my life and in down moments I am suffocated with the fear that I will never find passionate romantic love.  I want what they have in the movies but am smart enough to know that can be an illusion.

However I know in my heart of hearts that there is grande divinely connected love out there that rocks the stars and the moons. I still believe with my childlike Cinderella that there is a Prince still in my future.  I want to find the kind of love that makes peoples heads turn with we walk in a room, the kind that bonds us into a force that propels us into a life of both our best selves.  Of course with realistic expectations that a great fight is also an awesome release and dark days make the bright ones even more brilliant.

I am taking what I am learning of my love with friends and my kids and my growing self love of what I want and what I definitely don't want and soon I am certain I will attract to me that beautiful man that fits every area of my life.

 Its the hope that keeps me moving forward into a place of continually working hard on myself to become the greatness that I seek.  Learning to set the intent and then fully let it go.  Setting my desires free and Giving them over to my higher power to make manifest in the proper time.

This is my letting go.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Fatal Acceptance

I am overwhelmed today not wanting to face the current destruction of my life.  I was overwhelmed last Thursday over the pain that using drugs was bringing to my mind and body.  I checked myself into a detox center to deal with that overwhelm.  Now out I had to check out of my job temporarily to deal with the overwhelm of cleaning up my wreckage.

Drug addiction is an ugly demon. To anyone who doesn't understand the 'dis-ease' of this cruel infliction it may look like a weakness of will and a lack of spiritual connection.  I call bullshit as I sit here grateful beyond words that I still have my life intact this time.

I never lose contact with my higher power and I have the strongest will of anyone I know.  These are not my problems.

The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.  I have named my disease Lady Vixen.  I have done this to lesson my own fear over the sheer force that this disease has over me when it comes out of remission.  When lady Vixen is in the driver seat... my life goes to hell in a pretty little Coach handbag.

I am just opening that handbag today to start cleaning out the remnants of another fine relapse.

I am Not ready to look at the bank account that I have recently drained after a year of working hard at building stability and security through tax free savings account, rrsps and busting out a new credit card.  I have to put that one aside for today the pain is too great to face today.

 I have already dealt with my boss first thing this morning.  It could not wait. I need some time off to get myself unexhasuted spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.  i need time to line up treatment and put Lady Vixen back in her cage.  I tried to do it myself and well, that didnt work out so well.  I am sad that she is stronger then me.

I am starting the amends process to my support group that has been nothing but amazing through my last year of judgmental blog posts and separation from a program that loves and supports me and has helped me get my life back several times over the course of four years.

My records while in detox this second time confirmed the first time I was there was 2010.  I have truly been on the recovery journey for four years now.  That was hiding in a secret pocket of my little coach bag.... rotten little tidbit of information as I sit here with only six days clean.

Today i will tackle cleaning my house.  The chaos left behind by a self centered Vixen must be erased from my sight, this is where I spin, I know from experience... fucking, lots of it apparently.

Lets pray I got all of her little stashes before crashing into detox last week. Lest I find one in six months time on a bad day.

Its not all bad I have found in my handbag however.  I have an amazing support team at work who have not reprimanded me as they understand my bank account is all the punishment i need on top of the suffering I feel at the hands of a disease thats trying to choke me out every chance she gets.

I have the most amazing, omg, so amazing.   I have no words to even come close to describing the women in the program who have rushed in and with open arms caught my fall before shattering into a million pieces on the ground.  To have women not wait for me to ask after I showed a need was almost too much for my heart to bear in those final hours before entering detox.  To anticipate what i needed before I even knew it myself is the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.

This relapse has also imparted a huge sparkling crystal of a lesson.  I am an addict.  I am finally in full acceptance that I am a special breed of a person that has a disease that there is no known cure for.  Like cancer I can only guess how it came about, but even after dealing with my trauma's and emotional imbalances I must always remain vigilant with treatment lest it comes back to wreak more havoc on my life.

I used to think that if i was not focused on it that it would just fade into the back ground of my reality and i would create something different.  I believed I could fully recover from this disease.  Those beliefs can and will only manifest themselves through treatment and re patterning of my thoughts.  Positive visualization and creative manifestation are not enough when underneath there is still a seething addict that wants me dead so the pain will stop.

A six week stint in a treatment center to let the pain out is the clearest path at the moment.  Maybe the second time around I will let go of the fear and walk into the past back to my future.