It has been my lesson this past year to understand the many layers of love. My deepest question is to understand what unconditional love looks like.
It surrounds me on all fronts lately, people telling me about their grande love affairs, others telling me of falling out of love and yet still others that surprise me and show me love in unconventional ways.
There are many faces to love and it seems to be this energy that is ever changing and damn near impossible to put your thumb on and hold for any amount of time.
Recently, I felt like I had fallen in love with a guy, (again).
I question the validity of that statement. Looking over my own blog posts as I re-publish them it seems that I have a pattern of 'falling' for the unavailable broken man. Ha!... pattern? More like sick cycle of sabotage.
I was once told by an old flame that people fall in love at first sight and as they get to know each other they either fall out of love or more deeply in love. I suppose thats true. I thought because I didn't fall in love with this guy instantly but over time, that it meant this was something different or special.
Feeling more into it today I think that conclusion is wrong. I think obsession would be a more accurate conclusion.
When we first start a dirty habit we don't necessarily like it. Take smoking for instance, most kids cough and find cigarette smoke to be disgusting the first time, but because all their friends are doing it they force themselves to and thus become addicted and learn to depend upon it. I think that is what just happened in my mind where this guy was concerned.
He was a dirty habit? Or maybe a chasing of the Dragon.... Sex was really really good, which was shocking considering surrounding factors. Maybe I was unwilling to look past that and created an entire relationship on but a minuscule factor?
I think I fall in romantic love from a place of desperation. That desperation having many many layers and not all layers obvious to the naked eye. My last love claim from a couple years ago started out that way. I wanted out of my feelings, a distraction from the train wreck my life had become. But truly I believe it ended in a more unconditional place. The guy had a great personality if he could stay clean longer then five minutes. I had to walk away to save myself as much as save him.
My ex husband was the same as the above, an act of desperation. I was attracted to him only because every other girl wanted him. He knocked me up and well the rest is history, three kids later I couldn't stand him romantically but he became my best friend otherwise.
What constitutes love?
Obviously I am getting hung up on romantic love here for the most part.
I have women in the twelve step fellowship that have been my dear friends for several years now that when I think about how much I respect and honor them tears come to my eyes. That's a deep love that many of my blood relations and I do not share. I have friends that have been in my life for decades that I would take a bullet for because my love for them is stronger then any dude could ever draw out of me. My children draw a love out of me that is creepy at times... and they tell me so when I give them the overly proud momma look.
I know what unconditional love is. I have that deep resonating feeling in my life on all fronts but romantically. Why is that? Why is it so hard to transfer that same vibration into something beautiful that I can share with a man that I can connect to in ways that I could never connect with my friends?
Recently someone shared their story with me of their husband falling out of love with them. My ex told me that after he moved me to an isolated town away from my job and supports. It devastated me. I never recovered and truly think that my revenge was plotted way before the delivery seven years later.
How does one just fall out of love with another? Could I fall out of love with my children? Is that a different love? An unconditional one?
The new age speaks multitudes about moving from a place of fear into a place of love. So romantically if one were to fall out of love then they would be moving into a place of fear. Why do we allow ourselves to go there after the beautiful fall into love? Actually its not really a beautiful fall into romantic love for some... scary as hell for some of us. Is that way they use the phrase 'falling' in love? I hate the feeling of falling.
I really am not sure where this post is going or what my purpose is, I just feel that as I round my birthday, I am reminded of all that I wanted to achieve this year. I let addiction take me back out again and ruin much of my goal list. But unconditional love was on the top of that list. I wanted an understanding of what that was. Of course in my mind I was focused on the romantic mask. Maybe my lesson was to remove the mask and see it for what it really is underneath.
Its self love.
Its knowing who I am and what I want.
Its about reaching out and finding out who is there for me and who is not. Its about facing the hard truths that just because you want someone to love you does not mean they can or even want too. Its understanding blood does not equal love. And sex is an action not an emotion. Love is about letting people into your heart and your heart will only allow people in that are worthy of it, all other heart attachments are illusions.
I have learned how easily it is too fool myself of a love that is not even close to being there.
Situations do not create love and I don't believe love needs to be worked at. A relationship does but if love is there both parties want to work at it because its natural and feels good. 17 years did not make me love my ex more... time is not always the answer for love.
I am almost at the half way point of my life and in down moments I am suffocated with the fear that I will never find passionate romantic love. I want what they have in the movies but am smart enough to know that can be an illusion.
However I know in my heart of hearts that there is grande divinely connected love out there that rocks the stars and the moons. I still believe with my childlike Cinderella that there is a Prince still in my future. I want to find the kind of love that makes peoples heads turn with we walk in a room, the kind that bonds us into a force that propels us into a life of both our best selves. Of course with realistic expectations that a great fight is also an awesome release and dark days make the bright ones even more brilliant.
I am taking what I am learning of my love with friends and my kids and my growing self love of what I want and what I definitely don't want and soon I am certain I will attract to me that beautiful man that fits every area of my life.
Its the hope that keeps me moving forward into a place of continually working hard on myself to become the greatness that I seek. Learning to set the intent and then fully let it go. Setting my desires free and Giving them over to my higher power to make manifest in the proper time.
This is my letting go.