What a terrible saying. I have decided this only today as I face that milestone head on. Yesturday that was a funny saying when said for someone else.
I have been anticipating and dreading this day since I turned 39 last year. All year I have referred to my age as pushing forty. I have whined about how infantile I still feel, how little I have accomplished from my teenage to do list and I have fretted over what this decade might bring me.
I came to realize over this past year.....
I worry way to much.
How much time, space and energy have I lost over sitting in the past or stressing about the future? I bet 20 good years have been lost to the present moment due to being trapped in a past loop that creates a future fear. What a waste of time it has been as I sit here and can see from experience that I only force out a negative future from too much time spent living in a past that is dead and gone.
I am at the end of my very last cycle of defeat.
In this forced peace and serenity however there is a glimmering spark of motivation growing there.
I have a new sense of freedom rising up from four decades of experiences. I have a new sense of understanding about how this game of life might work. New confidence is bubbling up within me. A confidence that is excited to see what this fourth decade might bring now that the shift is occurring within me.
I feel like a another dam has broke within my soul recently. A dam that was keeping me too the darker more rough and struggling river. But now this opening has allowed me to switch tracks into a more free flowing and gentle river. A river that scenery is much more breath taking and the rocks softer to slide over. The water not so muddy.
As I sit in this place of nothingness I wonder.
I wonder what paths I will take now knowing what I know. I wonder where i am going now that I am freeing myself from my past. I wonder who I will become in my new serenity and peace. I wonder what it will feel like to let go and float down the river. i wonder what the sun will feel like as it kisses my skin and if the fish will keep pace with me. i wonder if at some point I will end up in the ocean where dolphins will want me to play with them.
Am i tired or have I just truly and finally let go?
Am i motivate or have i just truly and finally let go and am allowing the energy of this universe carry me forward.
I feel such a deep sense of peace today. No high electrifying me and no low dragging me down.... just a calm and relaxed feeling that everything is exactly as it should be.
Well Lord, I made it to forty... you were right. Now what?