Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Fatal Acceptance

I am overwhelmed today not wanting to face the current destruction of my life.  I was overwhelmed last Thursday over the pain that using drugs was bringing to my mind and body.  I checked myself into a detox center to deal with that overwhelm.  Now out I had to check out of my job temporarily to deal with the overwhelm of cleaning up my wreckage.

Drug addiction is an ugly demon. To anyone who doesn't understand the 'dis-ease' of this cruel infliction it may look like a weakness of will and a lack of spiritual connection.  I call bullshit as I sit here grateful beyond words that I still have my life intact this time.

I never lose contact with my higher power and I have the strongest will of anyone I know.  These are not my problems.

The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.  I have named my disease Lady Vixen.  I have done this to lesson my own fear over the sheer force that this disease has over me when it comes out of remission.  When lady Vixen is in the driver seat... my life goes to hell in a pretty little Coach handbag.

I am just opening that handbag today to start cleaning out the remnants of another fine relapse.

I am Not ready to look at the bank account that I have recently drained after a year of working hard at building stability and security through tax free savings account, rrsps and busting out a new credit card.  I have to put that one aside for today the pain is too great to face today.

 I have already dealt with my boss first thing this morning.  It could not wait. I need some time off to get myself unexhasuted spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.  i need time to line up treatment and put Lady Vixen back in her cage.  I tried to do it myself and well, that didnt work out so well.  I am sad that she is stronger then me.

I am starting the amends process to my support group that has been nothing but amazing through my last year of judgmental blog posts and separation from a program that loves and supports me and has helped me get my life back several times over the course of four years.

My records while in detox this second time confirmed the first time I was there was 2010.  I have truly been on the recovery journey for four years now.  That was hiding in a secret pocket of my little coach bag.... rotten little tidbit of information as I sit here with only six days clean.

Today i will tackle cleaning my house.  The chaos left behind by a self centered Vixen must be erased from my sight, this is where I spin, I know from experience... fucking, lots of it apparently.

Lets pray I got all of her little stashes before crashing into detox last week. Lest I find one in six months time on a bad day.

Its not all bad I have found in my handbag however.  I have an amazing support team at work who have not reprimanded me as they understand my bank account is all the punishment i need on top of the suffering I feel at the hands of a disease thats trying to choke me out every chance she gets.

I have the most amazing, omg, so amazing.   I have no words to even come close to describing the women in the program who have rushed in and with open arms caught my fall before shattering into a million pieces on the ground.  To have women not wait for me to ask after I showed a need was almost too much for my heart to bear in those final hours before entering detox.  To anticipate what i needed before I even knew it myself is the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.

This relapse has also imparted a huge sparkling crystal of a lesson.  I am an addict.  I am finally in full acceptance that I am a special breed of a person that has a disease that there is no known cure for.  Like cancer I can only guess how it came about, but even after dealing with my trauma's and emotional imbalances I must always remain vigilant with treatment lest it comes back to wreak more havoc on my life.

I used to think that if i was not focused on it that it would just fade into the back ground of my reality and i would create something different.  I believed I could fully recover from this disease.  Those beliefs can and will only manifest themselves through treatment and re patterning of my thoughts.  Positive visualization and creative manifestation are not enough when underneath there is still a seething addict that wants me dead so the pain will stop.

A six week stint in a treatment center to let the pain out is the clearest path at the moment.  Maybe the second time around I will let go of the fear and walk into the past back to my future.

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