Journalling and re reading my own words of wisdom is the most powerful form of advice I could receive... albeit sometimes the most painful words to chew and digest.
More and more, I am understanding life is a series of cycles. dips and drops, ups and downs... Cycles where you achieve mastery over your situation and then within that same cycle of mastery you lose it all and need to start all over again from scratch.
Thats where I am at today. Starting from scratch and a little bit bitter about it. Or I should be more honest and correct that last line. I am no longer bitter about it because through reading these post that I have put back online recently, I have come to realize, I may be starting from scratch but its not on the same path I once was on.
I have grown and evolved since the last time I cycled here. Thank the Goddess within me and all the work I out into connecting with her.
Throughout my life, my reality, my game I choose to play in this world, I have been given rewind chances.
Rewinds in my life are crossroads or turning points that I have chosen poorly with the first time around. Maybe not so much poorly as in the lesser path I choose. The path that is wide and beautiful and society acceptable. Those paths I have come to understand are not the paths for me. For many others that seek social acceptance, that is the path for them, but not me. So most rewinds in my life are to go back and choose the path less traveled, the path I had intended on when I wrote my life contract. The path of awakening.
I am at such a crossing now and I am entirely grateful to the characters in my play that have set me back on course, even though those same players have invoked one hell of a wrath in me as of recent. A ripping of the Ego is not such a pleasant thing.
I am learning that through stepping back and observing myself and my life from a distance, from the point of observer I can see a much larger picture of who I am and where I am going. I can see more clearly how I am trying to stuff myself into a situation and life path that is not at all of my desire, ... yet I am doing it because my mind feels good in that situation. Only my mind however, nothing else.
It has been through meditation and a deep connection to my inner goddess that I can stand back to observe.
My warning points that I am seriously veering off track are those times in my life that I work extra hard to cut that connection from source off. Those times that I ignore my real feelings and inner knowings and opt for the instant gratifications of my ego and my mind. Its through over eating and drugs that I most effectively shut off my inner guidance system.
I have found myself recently in the exact same situation I was in when I left my ex husband five years ago. same characters in my story just new players, playing the parts. It is only through friends that I have developed deep friendships with that have been able to point out my cycles. Its through being brutally honest with my friends even when it was embarrassing to do so that I have been gifted with the greatest mirror of self reflection to save myself from another painful cycle of same choices and thus same consequences.
I am grateful to the friends I have had for five, ten, fifteen and well even thirty fucking years... omg, I am old. Because its these friends that step up and say, Hey wait, doesn't this remind you of.... and then the bells an whistles blow as you realize you are about to get hit by the fucking old steam train again. Which is doubly annoying because it moves so bloody slow that even a sloth could get out of the way.
I am not blinded by my own ego this time however. I have learned lessons and have grown by leaps and bounds. I am able to move out of the way of the train and stand next to one of my greatest friends this world has gifted me and watch as my old life gets smashed to pieces by the train. With gratitude and a bit of humor her and I can pick apart the new players in the cycle and I can giggle over the comparisons to the first go round. I have deep lessons to learn this time lest I find myself here again in another five years... man poke my eyes out with a stick if I do!!
But again it is only through my own words that I find the path back to the light. Where some people find working the twelves steps, or a program of self improvement from books and programs that peel back the layers of one self... I find my enlightenment through experience and then writing about it. Learning what works for me has been the best part of my game of life. Learning who I am and unraveling the mysteries to why I create what I do has made this journey exciting and worth walking.
I once had the life of social acceptability, the marriage, the kids and the dog, the job and the cars and the house... and ........I fucking hated it. Every minute of it I felt like I was suffocating by my own hands wrapped around my throat.
I have worked programs where the peel was way to painful on my delicate skin and programs where the drama was just far too much for me. Programs where there was not enough accountability and programs that isolated me. I have read every self help book on the shelves and joined every society and group for the betterment of myself.......
And then I have found this blog and my words. I have found my website and my creations. I have found my singledom and my freedom. I have found my addictions and my vices. I have found my program of experience and emotional ups and downs. I have found my friendships and my mirrors. I have foubd my lovers and my self love. I have found my god and my inner guidance system. I have found the path for me to create the reality I wish to live.
I no longer have to hate my job, or my life, or my vices, or anything about who I am. Because when I can rise out of the shit and observe it from a third party place of seeing the whole picture, I can see how beautifully intricate the whole play is and how much work the players are putting into my play just so that maybe this time... I actually get it. I am over joyed with love and compassion for them.
It took me a little bit longer then I would have liked to come back to this understanding, but whatever, I am here again now. I am not sure how long I will hold this clarity at this moment as I am still deeply tied into my vices and the way I shut my system down in order to be able to play in the shadows. But I do know know how to get back into the light and will work at that in every moment of clear sight I have over the next few weeks. I have already reset my path and have no worries of slipping back on to that path of self sabotage. I have way way to much self love this time to let myself get marred down by that heavy reality again.
A super special thank you to my dearest and closest friend of over twenty years, who listened to her flashbacks and inner guidance system and brought light to where I was at and how to get out of choosing a second devils dance into the night. I Love you Idnew!