Friday, August 22, 2014

Waging a War on Emotions

I have waged a war with my emotions.  Why do I fight so hard against my feelings?  Going to any extent to keep them from expressing themselves.  Afraid to dip to low or get to high, I will eat until I am 250lbs.  When food no longer holds the center point of shaky balance, I will smoke drugs until there is a pipe puckered in between my dry lips.

 I will go to any lengths to win the war over my emotions.

Or so I have these past four decades. I am too tired to fight any more.  There is not enough fat in the world to cover my body to hide how I feel.  I cannot seem to get high enough from any drug these days to eliminate my demanding feelings.  I can no longer contain my feelings in that acceptable range of what I have judged upon myself as healthy and normal... that space between manic and depressed.

I have moved myself to see a psychologist who has moved me further to see a psychiatrist.  So this is it?  My answer now at the bottom of a prescription bottle.  From Self medicating to allowing the doctors of this world to do it for me.  Hand over my power and admit I am powerless over drugs.  Concede defeat.  Or as program goers advise me give it over to a higher power.  Is this really what my higher power is telling me?

What happened to my healthy eating and the joy that came from that?  What happened to following my passions and the bliss that grew from the work that went into creating something from myself?  Where did I lose my love for life and let it get replaced with fear of survival?  Where did I trade in self love for romantic love at the huge cost of being back on the self medicating trip?

How is it that actually the feeling of Love is the exact feeling that brings me back to this low?  Having already achieved a state of bliss and an acceptance of my feelings, having had the balance and the serenity that I now so desperately miss through my own means of self care and self love being lost to me.... is devastating.  I feel like I have bit ripped at the core and forsaken in such a terrible way that I can barely stand my own reflection  in the mirror and yet at the same time so deeply love myself that I cannot stop the flow of cleansing tears.

My emotions now that they are not being self medicating nor perscriptioned are like a slingshot, wildly flying into the air and plummeting back to earth with fits of hysterical screams of laughter.     ... And you know,  So what?  Is it such a terrible thing to have feelings?  Is it so terrible that I was love.  I gave love.  And love was taken advantage of?  So what that I risked and lost.  Why is it such a big deal that as a woman I have intense feelings.  I love without abandon and damn I sure do hate with that same reckless abandon... but so the fuck what?

Why do my feelings scare me so much?  Am I really worried about going off the deep end and making a fool out of myself?  Been there, done that.... how many females do I know have done the same thing in fits of feelings... both positive and negative.   So what?  I have never deliberately hurt others in my fits, although I am not a fool I understand people do get hurt.... but, hello was I not hurt and thus provoked in the first place.  Does one really just fly off the handle because?  Truly, I know bitches be crazy, but honestly women have got to stop cutting each other down, because from experience I have not yet a woman that has not had a time in there lives that they were provoked and lost it.  Happy fluffy feelings accepted, but feelings of hurt... fuck no. not in my world.... there is a pill for that.

Learning to not get lost in the feeling is the advice I have received recently.  Observe and know that every feeling has a purpose.  When I was eating 250lbs of fat, I was miserable in my marriage, but in denial.  When I was recently sucking blow up my nose my heart was broken but I refused to let people know how badly it was broken.  Why is it that I will destroy my body to hide how I feel... feelings have a purpose.  So now am I to stuff my feelings inside a pill bottle to find peace?

Observe and detach.  Observe and detach.  How does one do that?  I want to put the work into learning how to do that.  I found peace and serenity without any form of slaying the emotional beast within me.  I found that peace however in the silence of friendship and fellowship.  Its easy to keep balance when it is just you and god.  How do I find that same balance when the opinions of others bowl me over getting a full on strike each time.  I am not a willow tree, I am a leaf easily blown.  I know that I need people in my life.  I know that I have so much love to share that it would be terrible to waste it on only my plants, yet I cannot seem to hold my own in the presence of others.

People invoke feelings in me and reactions that are sometimes out before i have time to manage them.  So what?  Is life truly meant to be lived in a drooling serenity at all times?  Do i seriously want serenity always?  What about Love and excitement and joy and bliss.  And honestly am I really in agony over this heart break?  There is a cleansing release that comes with a broken heart, a sense of humility and awakening.  And did it not feel good just a bit, to rage.  Fuck ya it did.  How would serenity have played out.... oh right, I wouldnt have hurt another person.  Fuck that shit they hurt me, and not that its tit for tat, but come on now people when did I become a doormat?

 Feelings have a purpose, but my reactions are only grown from maturity... maturity comes from..... experience.

So now its time to let my feelings direct and guide me.  Observing instead of reacting.  Tough lessons I am certain, but the alternative is flaming dog poop bomb on a friends beautiful truck...  Won't be my finest moment and I am getting tired of having more embarrassing moments then victorious ones.  I have my work cut out for me I guess.... others people opinions are none of my business and you know what this chick is gonna let her crazy be what it is, because I am sick of trying to be a cool, like a guy, I am not a guy..... I am a girl with a super highway of feelings.  ...... and I am kinda getting to like them and what they have to say.

Power to the bitches that be crazy!!

Want More?     Two years later the evolution continues.....

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