Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Crash of the RockStar Bed

It's hard for me to write today.  One because the content is dark, edgy and rips away my vulnerability like a band aid ripped off a hairy arm,  and two because it will make people uncomfortable

The ladder is the real reason it's hard to write. Yesterday as I was mowing my favorite four hour acreage, I had it all planned how I was gonna open this story.  That was before I thought I would be a grown up and let the person that helped shape the events, know that I was planning to write about them.  When he said he wasn't really okay with it I was faced with a moral dilemma.

This blog is my NA meeting.  Its where I come to share whats going on in my head.  I get feedback from friends and strangers alike through private messages which fuel me when I need fuel.  The connections with people through these writings have been what have brought me to the health I am at now.... which is seriously being threatened at the moment.  I need to write, I just need too.

I understand my writing makes people uncomfortable.  Some people anyways.  I had a best friend drop me after a few months into my first blog because she could not stand the 'whining' as she called it, anymore.

 That whining was about my little yellow house which has by far had the most hits of any of my recently written posts.  So in understanding that my stories are not always light and fluffy and they are not going to always make people happy, I think I will still choose to write.  Because this blog is about me.  My life may be moving into understanding others, but here..... here is for me.  Don't read it if it makes you feel any way that you dont wish to feel.  We all must own our own feelings.

....Alright now with that all out of the way, I am shaking and teary eye'd thinking about how to word this so I dont come across as a crazy chick and not completely disgust others.  The subject I obviously wanna talk about is Sex.  For me its still a subject that holds a lot of emotion and trauma.

I honestly do not know how to start this today.  My heart is in a vice grip.

 I guess from the beginning...

Recently I have been asking myself about addiction and more specifically I have been wondering if I am even an addict or did I just have a low patch in my life and dope got me through.  As with anything else in my life I asked my guides to shed light on this question of addiction.  And true to my guides they never seem to let the answers come easily to me, its always a fucking process.

My life has been so amazing this past year.  I have worked hard at getting my home beautiful and balanced, I love coming into my apartment and can truly call it home now.  I have worked hard on my relationship with my girls, and my family.  I have been faithful to my self care regime.  I have even taken the steps towards building my own business this winter.  My life is perfect.

Except I still feel lonely crawling into bed at the end of my fabulous days.  My longing to share my success's and trails with someone is really deep.  I write a lot about guys here and it may come across that there are a lot of men in my life but that is not the case.  Since my husband, I have had only one serious relationship.  Which even that relationship I see now was of mere convenience or avoidance for both parties involved.  So doesn't really count.

When I left my ex it was because I wanted passion again in my life.  I wanted romance and I wanted Love.  I didn't leave my ex to become single and stay that way.  I don't hate my ex, he didn't wreck me.  I have no hard relationship feelings.  Its been five years and I have done the work on myself that was needed for me to be in that loving place to attract exactly what I desire to myself.  So why is it that I struggle with now allowing that to come forth to me.  Its knocking at my door and I keep peeking only to slam it shut.

This is not the way I expected this blog to go.  Never have I been so nervous to write as I am today.  This may not get published, maybe this writing will truly be just for me.  But I doubt it, I cannot resist hitting publish.

This post was suppose to be about the recent dramatic entrance of my addict.  I guess I needed some background work done before bringing her to the light, so let me try to just go with the flow of this writing.... hahaha  Go with the flow....  Fuck I hate that saying.    I hate the flow.

So I have been intimate lately with someone that has taken me to new places.  Places that I have absolutely no idea how to maneuver through.  I am so far out of my comfort zone I cannot even see my bubble anymore.  And its not a bad thing, no its actually an amazingly exhilarating thing.  I feel like I am 20... stupid and love drunk.  Its magical.

This relationship has developed very slowly over the course of the last six months.  The incident i am going to share with you today has occurred before for us and actually was the cause of us going our separate ways for a few months.  So it has not been a steady six months.  Again I do not know why I am sharing all this information with you.  Maybe I am playing with the master of distraction here because I am finding it very hard to bring into the light what needs to be faced.

My addict came alive recently,

.... in a way I have never understood until now.  I know I have blogged about this before in January when it happened, if I don't have it posted in this new format then I will post it after I am done with this post.  In January I knew I had been dealing with my addict but it wasn't until recently that I understood how and why she comes out.

You see my addict is not about Dope or food. Or any of the more more more syndrome I talk so insistently about.  Nope my addict is a very real personality that lives within me and I call her Lady Vixen.

This is the part I don't want you to see me as crazy.  I honestly feel like Tara from the show 'The United States of Tara'.  A netflix show that I completely loved.

Okay so let me now paint the story....

Been with this guy several times intimately and it is amazing.  Like holy fuck rock my world amazing.  And I am not talking about the hanging from the chandelier hot sex.... no I am talking about slow rocking, lips touching, eyes looking deep into the soul kinda love making.....  this is totally new part that has mind fucked me.  I don't know how to make love.... I know how to fuck.  (sorry harsh but true)

So anyways back to the story.....  I felt very insecure with being on top.  This guy is younger then me and my baby bearing belly is just not something I am all that proud of, so getting up there and being fully exposed was just not my idea of a good time.  Wanting so desperately to please him as he has done me numerous times I decided to buy some lingerie to maybe help with my issue.

Well what an experience that was.  Wow,  Never bought high end undies before, if you have never either omg, I strongly recommend doing it at least once.  I had two sales women helping me after I told them I was not leaving the store without something.  I even told them what it was for.  I had these women fussing over me, adjusting the garments so they fit just right, smoothing down crinkles so the silk would fall just right over my hips.....Man, I stood there half naked in front of them.... what an exhilarating and highly erotic experience it was for me.  Needless to say I could not wait to try my new white teddy out on this new beautiful man in my life.

And this is the part where the story shifts.  Always with the challenges to create the climax... or in my case the climax creates the challenges.

First things first, it was the most amazing sexual experience I have ever had.  That little piece of material that luxuriously hung from my body created a passion between us that I in all my years and experience have never reached before.  Fuck, like girls I am talking the stuff in our books, move mountians kinda shit.

Well apparently I cant handle move mountains kinda passion.  Because at one point after, not the first orgasm or the second...or fifth, but like the ninth,      I checked out and Lady Vixen checked in.

That exact moment she came alive within me, I see it so clearly.  I feel it like the hairs stand up on the back of your neck when something doesn't feel right but your not sure what it is.  I threw my head back in yet another orgasm and when my head came back up She was there, My lovely addict, my black widow. She came to take over

 He had gotten to close.  I can only say this now after much analysis.

At that moment that my head came back up from the throws of passion I sought out his eyes that's the only thing that could bring me higher and that's all Vixen wanted now.... higher higher higher.  Except when he looked at me, I could see the recognition in his eyes... even if he wasn't aware that my addict had come out, his soul sure was because he turned away and closed his eyes.

If I was in my heart, in myself,  that would have hurt tremendously, but I wasn't in my heart, I was in my addict and she doesn't care about anyone in that state.  I was way too high on orgasms to be pulled down by his disconnection.

The next day I just kept getting higher.  Making my pallet bed, brought me to another high that Vixen was loving, she was creating her 'Love Nest'.  I am almost disgusted to look at my gorgeous bed now, it wasn't created by me.  But don't let me digress any more then I have. I had a pallet bed project that wasn't mine, moving on.   Vixen just kept on running my energy higher and higher.  When he came over the next night to check out my cool bed I was over the top in my addict energy.

Let me describe the difference so you understand what I am talking about.  I had this exact conversation with my oldest daughter last night about how to identify Vixen and how to knock her back down.  Vixen is all about Sexual energy.  She will talk, walk and be sex.  It does not matter if your a female or a male if you give her attention she will be on you like white on rice. My daughters poor boyfriend had to endure the mom in the teddy strutting around the house like she is god gift to men..... ugh just writing it makes me wanna vomit.  She is loud, really loud, obnoxious and super high energy.  Like 20 hours in a week on a pallet bed to get laid kinda energy.  And if she doesn't get what she wants.... the consequences could be fatal.  She can be mean, really mean.

My good friend would call this manic.  And maybe I am bi-polar.... but truly I feel good with the concept of Lady Vixen because as a seperate personality from me I can put her back in her cage easier.

Thats what i am doing today, putting her back in her cage.  Thank the Goddess for a rain day so I can fully recharge and re balance back into my heart.

You see when the man that has moved my world came over that next night I was off the rails, Vixen.  She also hates men and if they get to close before I am ready she will bite their head off and leave them to die as she walks away completely satisfied and ready to produce new life.  I was grotesque in my actions with this soft gentle man that just wants to hold me, as I am making lude comments to him... Ugh the shame sits like a peach pit in my throat and I am sure its the reason I hesitate to write this.... my vulnerability is raw under the ripped off hair.

When he left abruptly that night under the guise of having to work in the morning, I knew better.  I was Vixen remember, she knows it all.  I fired off some nasty texts

....and then a sinking feeling over took me.  Had my addict just ruined something really good in my life?  

..... and the crash landing on hard concrete occurred.

Vixen, like the bitch that she is always vanishes and leaves me holding the bag. Leaves me with the scrapes and bruises of the fall from high.

 Now I am lost as to how to clean up this mess.  Going to meetings about how to stay off dope seems not right when its not an addiction that brings my addict out, but love itself.  Does this mean I am never ever gonna be able to Love?  Will she never let me go there?  Or maybe I just need to bring it back down a notch or two?  I am so in territory I have no clue about.  But I do know that my guides give me the answers I seek through experience.  I really like this guy.  I have never really wanted to work through this as much as I do right now.  I want to get past this issue that has held me back for so long.

On my birthday last year I did a spell.  Yup I do spells, they are fun and my way to connect to my higher power.  Some people pray, I do a moving prayer with props.  Anyways I did a ritual for complete health to be achieved within this year.  I knew doing the spell it was mind health that needed the most work and that meant letting go of my trauma's from the past.  See what I really learned through this whole ordeal is what trauma needs to be worked on.

There are certain sex positions I just cannot do.  And there is a limit to how many orgasms I can handle in one session.  I did say no more at one point during our lovemaking but my body and actions screamed for more.  I need to get honest with my intimate partner about how much and what I can handle.  I didn't know that until recently however.  Its a very very fine line between lovemaking and dirty sex.  I skirted dirty.

Dirty sex is any sex without emotional connection.  Dirty sex is anything that reminds me of my childhood sexual abuse.  Dirty sex is anything rough.  I knew the rough part before but not the other two.  Now I know even though it was terribly painful to learn these things.  And I don't even know where to begin in making amends to him.

I think there is a part of the real me that is so afraid of being hurt that I just cannot open up fully, or maybe i open up to fully and Vixen comes in to pull me back a little.... i don't know.  Sometimes I feel crazy and other times so bloody peaceful its almost scary for me.  My life was in perfect balance before all this started with this guy and now I feel this acceleration of learning and growth which causes me to wanna hold on tight to him because I do wanna keep growing and learning but then the other side just wants to lash out and make him go away because it hurts too fall off the bike.

This blog I see now has always been about my obsession with the act of sex.  I should rename it the 'Memoirs of a Raging Orgasm Addict'.  Cause in truth that is what I am.

This is the healing of the mind and the letting go of a trauma that has kept every man including my own son, father and brother at a good strong arms length away.  If I ever have a hope of connecting with my son, I must take care of myself.  I must learn how to save myself.

So now I have my answer.  Am I an addict?    Fuck ya,  I am.  Anything I put before my self care and my balance...... I will lose.....(or have already lost.  Another tough lesson that I hope i dont have to learn just yet.)

I leave this post now feeling calmer and in my heart.  It hurts to grow sometimes but the rewards are amazing.  I do have a kick ass bed out of the situation and I also have felt love.... something I have been longing for, for a long time.  I have self love but there is something magical when another human being smiles at you with his eyes and then leans in to kiss you.   This over all was a good experience that I am humbly grateful for.  I am back in me.

Monday, July 7, 2014

From Judgement to Compassion

Growing up has to be the most exciting yet most challenging thing in my life.  I am not talking the type of growing up a physical child does but the kind an adult does when they begin to really work on learning themselves.  I am sure I am moving from a 13 year old mentality to a 40 year old over night... the hamster in my head is on crack and the wheel is always smoking!!

So what now am I learning you ask?

How do I change a personality defect of judgment into a spiritual principle of unconditional love and compassion to live by?

That has not been an easy task flipping my self centered, think she is all that and a bag of chips, personality around to one of compassion and thought for another person.  That shit takes work and for me who makes mountains out of mole hills, and because I have an over active hamster, its even worse.

I have worked very hard on learning who I am these past few years in recovery of my life.  I have made serious amends to people.  I have faced my shadows head on .... and Lived to tell about it.  lol  I have admitted my faults and made the uncomfortable journey to correct them.  I have taken my own inventory and weeded the garden of my soul.   I have done the work.

Yet I see now that all the work I have done has been about me.  Its always about me.  It has always been about me. Just ask my poor kids that had to grow up with a self centered mom.... its about me. .... And I am still a very self centered me, me, me, kinda person.  I am definitely more gentle and loving with the me, me, me, part but still the self centerdness is still there.

I have noticed it most recently when I don't get what I want.  I am growed up enough to know I don't get everything I want. but when what I want is something that is achievable and I don't get it I throw a temper tantrum.  Truly.... visual a grown woman flailing herself on the floor in the cookie isle in Walmart screaming that no body gets her and fuck you all.   I am still a big baby when it comes to what I feel I deserve because I have done 'the work'.  Someone once used the word 'entitlement'.  Maybe I have a warped sense of entitlement because i have done 'the work'.

Luckily for me and really the only reason I am writing this, is that today I practiced the spiritual principal of compassion in a situation that I threw a tantrum over last night.

I shared my feelings with another person last night, feelings that concerned their actions.  After having the courage to share my feelings I fully expected them to bow to them and all would be awesome.  It takes courage to tell someone when you hurt, right?  Well thats 'the work'.  And my reward is that they are gonna be so happy for me having that courage to share that they will agree to make the necessary changes that I am asking of them, right?


I was met with reasons why they could not comply to my wishes.  And I was madder then the Hadder.  My hamster is on crack remember.

All night I fumed. When I woke up I was still fuming.  All morning I fumed.  By the afternoon my fuming settled into an acceptance that I must cut this person out of my life if the are not willing to compromise.

 And then well I think my hamster over dosed and died,  because suddenly my mind was clear and my heart ached.

I like this friend.  I don't want to cut anyone out of my life anymore.  That was the old me.  The judgmental me.  The 13 year old me.  The immature has nothing to offer me.   I am so tired of that me.

So I asked for guidance and I was reminded of the spiritual principal of Compassion.  Maybe I could be the one to compromise.  It really wasn't an issue that undermined my values.  It really wasn't even a big issue at all.  I felt pretty silly actually when the dust settled in my head that I had even  had a tantrum over this issue.

But I realized I am still pretty self centered and want what I want and now.  Maybe now its time to try something new a build something even better then what I want right now.  Maybe 'the work' now needs to be refocused on community, fellowship and friendships... learning compassion for other people instead of all the focus being on me.

Growing up is amazing in the fact that when I have these realizations and able to correct my actions in the moment.... I know I am making progress to becoming a higher functioning more valuable person in this world  and that may one day I will have something to offer of value to people I come in contact with.  That is the exciting part of the journey.....

Growing up sux in the fact that I don't know if this person will accept my apology.  Being okay with disappointment and not getting my way is the flip side of building that great new value.  Sometimes along the way sacrifices need to be made in order to learn the lesson. I truly hope there is no sacrifice here other then my little ol pride taking a knock or two and a dead hamster rattling around in my head.