Growing up has to be the most exciting yet most challenging thing in my life. I am not talking the type of growing up a physical child does but the kind an adult does when they begin to really work on learning themselves. I am sure I am moving from a 13 year old mentality to a 40 year old over night... the hamster in my head is on crack and the wheel is always smoking!!
So what now am I learning you ask?
How do I change a personality defect of judgment into a spiritual principle of unconditional love and compassion to live by?
That has not been an easy task flipping my self centered, think she is all that and a bag of chips, personality around to one of compassion and thought for another person. That shit takes work and for me who makes mountains out of mole hills, and because I have an over active hamster, its even worse.
I have worked very hard on learning who I am these past few years in recovery of my life. I have made serious amends to people. I have faced my shadows head on .... and Lived to tell about it. lol I have admitted my faults and made the uncomfortable journey to correct them. I have taken my own inventory and weeded the garden of my soul. I have done the work.
Yet I see now that all the work I have done has been about me. Its always about me. It has always been about me. Just ask my poor kids that had to grow up with a self centered mom.... its about me. .... And I am still a very self centered me, me, me, kinda person. I am definitely more gentle and loving with the me, me, me, part but still the self centerdness is still there.
I have noticed it most recently when I don't get what I want. I am growed up enough to know I don't get everything I want. but when what I want is something that is achievable and I don't get it I throw a temper tantrum. Truly.... visual a grown woman flailing herself on the floor in the cookie isle in Walmart screaming that no body gets her and fuck you all. I am still a big baby when it comes to what I feel I deserve because I have done 'the work'. Someone once used the word 'entitlement'. Maybe I have a warped sense of entitlement because i have done 'the work'.
Luckily for me and really the only reason I am writing this, is that today I practiced the spiritual principal of compassion in a situation that I threw a tantrum over last night.
I shared my feelings with another person last night, feelings that concerned their actions. After having the courage to share my feelings I fully expected them to bow to them and all would be awesome. It takes courage to tell someone when you hurt, right? Well thats 'the work'. And my reward is that they are gonna be so happy for me having that courage to share that they will agree to make the necessary changes that I am asking of them, right?
I was met with reasons why they could not comply to my wishes. And I was madder then the Hadder. My hamster is on crack remember.
All night I fumed. When I woke up I was still fuming. All morning I fumed. By the afternoon my fuming settled into an acceptance that I must cut this person out of my life if the are not willing to compromise.
And then well I think my hamster over dosed and died, because suddenly my mind was clear and my heart ached.
I like this friend. I don't want to cut anyone out of my life anymore. That was the old me. The judgmental me. The 13 year old me. The immature has nothing to offer me. I am so tired of that me.
So I asked for guidance and I was reminded of the spiritual principal of Compassion. Maybe I could be the one to compromise. It really wasn't an issue that undermined my values. It really wasn't even a big issue at all. I felt pretty silly actually when the dust settled in my head that I had even had a tantrum over this issue.
But I realized I am still pretty self centered and want what I want and now. Maybe now its time to try something new a build something even better then what I want right now. Maybe 'the work' now needs to be refocused on community, fellowship and friendships... learning compassion for other people instead of all the focus being on me.
Growing up is amazing in the fact that when I have these realizations and able to correct my actions in the moment.... I know I am making progress to becoming a higher functioning more valuable person in this world and that may one day I will have something to offer of value to people I come in contact with. That is the exciting part of the journey.....
Growing up sux in the fact that I don't know if this person will accept my apology. Being okay with disappointment and not getting my way is the flip side of building that great new value. Sometimes along the way sacrifices need to be made in order to learn the lesson. I truly hope there is no sacrifice here other then my little ol pride taking a knock or two and a dead hamster rattling around in my head.