Sunday, June 8, 2014

Fellowship, Family and Friends: A Part of my Self Care

I am back in my heart again.  Thank the Goddess.  I was really starting to worry this time.

I am starting to learn that no amount of meditation, self care or study can replace the therapeutic benefits of fellowship. Meeting with people, connecting with loved ones and sharing with each other I think is the true purpose of being a productive member of society, but not necessarily belong to that society.

Its always such a fine line of moderation for me.  I am an either all in kinda girl or a totally cut out one.  Accepting the grey and being comfortable with that is so, and I cannot seem to emphasize 'so' enough, so hard.  If I belong to a group of people, i have to like them all, if even one person rubs me wrong the whole body of peeps is removed from my life.  It's the same with my family, if one member disowns me or hurts me, they all are cut out from my life.  It's like my mind thinks they are all of one like mind and therefor I cannot stand to be a part of any area of the whole.

My all or nothing approach to friendship is unrealistic.  It is hurting my growth as a person.  I have been isolating lately because i can't hang out with one best friend because she is not all recovery and I cant hang out with the other because she is all recovery.  So instead I stay home drink wine and wallow in my own misery.  How is that productive at all?

Make new friends and abandon the old was the path I have taken in the past.  I have so many groups of friends I have been part of in my life.  Always sticking around and laying the ground work to a great friendship until something goes amiss.  A challenge, a disagreement a conflict, and I am out.  I see now I have no idea how to handle situations that are less the light and fluffy.  I don't know how to give back without feeling like the price i have to pay will be far to great for me to afford.  I have a sense of entitlement I guess

.I watch my one best friend and her fellowship that is so tight with her family that I am jealous.  If one of her siblings is in need she will drop everything and be there in a blink for them.  I have watched them do the same for her.  I hear her frustrations over having to watch a family member struggle through something and yet still hold a place of deep compassion for that part of her fellowship.  I dont know how to do that.   I have another best friend who has devoted her whole life to her fellowship and forging these amazing bonds with people that need a new way of life.  I see my friend easily sacrifice her plans in luie of someone in need and do it with such joy.  I don't know if I am there yet.

I seem to be able to only go so far with any fellowship or friendship I am part of then when I am asked to give to much of myself I back away.  I don't know why that is.  Maybe its because i don't have that much of myself to give yet.  Maybe its because i have finally just found myself and I dont want to lose it again.  Maybe its because i am just not able to get vulnerable and allow another human being the opportunity to love me.  Maybe love is still too toxic of an emotion for me.

oh, that last lined burned a bit.  Time to change tracks,

........ This world is a social one we live in and being a part of the pulse that pumps through each individual is what the purpose of life truly is.  I go through these cycles of alone time to connect with myself that sometimes turn into isolation and disconnection with myself.  Again with that fine line.

I flipped that around yesterday though.  I spent the day with my mom.  Its weird but every time I am with her lately i feel filled with joy and energy.  Almost goofy giddy energy.  I am still tired at the end of our visits as we are usually shopping and rushing around doing things, but I come away feeling filled up with something deeper and longer lasting.  I am not really sure what it is, a subtle energy of motherly love maybe.  My mom knows me the best and I am certain she knows not to push me and let me take things at my own pace.  Come around in my own time.  Thats the subtle energy of love that I think I am drawing on.

Come to think of it thats why I love both my best friends, they allow the same grace as my mom.  I am such a hard person to get along with sometimes.  So i have been recently told by a co-worker.  lol.   I can see what he meant though.  When i get in a negative cycle I am equally as vocal and biting as I am in a positive cycle.  Realizing that I have three beautiful supportive women in my life that allow me to be me has been a great reminder, a dawning understanding as we speak, that I have been given something I can give back to others..... grace to allow each person to walk their own journey in their own way, without judgment.

I judge what does not make me feel light and fluffy.  I cut the entire tree down because of one bad apple.  Last night sitting in 'my' fellowship I was faced with my own judgement.  I had to sit in my own fear of being judged.  I am not okay with people not liking me.  A few posts ago I asked for thicker skin because in the business I am embarking into I am going to face people that don't understand what I do and people that didnt get what they expected out of my services.  I am going to need to be okay with that.  Last night was a step one on surrendering to the idea that what other people think of me is none of my business.

 I also surrendered to the realization that just because someone is vocal in my fellowship doesn't mean I have to follow their path.  Even within a group of like minds I can still have my individual journey.  This is a very very new concept that I am sure is going to teach me how to strengthen my character and finally give me something to give back that is entirely of my own.

I am happy again today.  I feel clearer and more directed on my path.  I think making connections with my family, dearest besties and my fellowship on a regular basis is what my oracles cards have been trying to tell me the last few weeks.  Community.  My new focus.

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