Monday, September 29, 2014

Building on the Foundation of NOW.

The Power of Now.  Now and Then.  Past and Future.  Before and After.  Black and white.  Good or Bad.  The dis-impowerment of duality and Time.

It's been awhile since I have written anything new.  It took me a few weeks to re-upload all my posts that I deleted in a fit of anger.  I am fairly certain I wont do that again.  I have struggled many times over the content of my blog and sharing my personal thoughts and feelings here.  I have hit some pretty negative feed back from close friends and family because of what I choose to express within these pages.

I have come to learn people are uncomfortable with the past being brought into the now.  People are also uncomfortable with Secrets coming to light.  I am uncomfortable with these things.

I have been living in a constant state of uncomfortable as of late.  This is the Power of me sitting in the Now and not resorting back to the past or skipping ahead to an imagined future that is yet to exist.

I am coming to learn that most of my waking moments are spent thinking about the mistakes of my past or in positive healthy moments happy memories from my past.  I am from the school of thought that I must drain every single drop out of a past experience so that I may learn the full value of the lesson in order to create the incredible future that I know is mine to create.

And this trained thought behavior has once again landed me in a drug relapse that I am slowly
crawling out of.

I seriously contemplated deleting all posts of this blog that I just painstakingly re uploaded in order to start a new fresh format, with a new focus for my posts.  I have weaved the same thoughts repeatedly over the past few years throughout these posts.  Re reading some of the things I have experienced in the past few years was a hard hitting reminder of this topic of living in the Now.

 I don't live in the Now.

I have been so busy running away from my past.  Too busy drowning in my anger and resentments towards my family that I haven't progressed past level eight years old on my treadmill of life.  All the situations I create in my world today are in some way recreations of the abandonment, betrayal, neglect or abuse I experienced as a kid.  I am in a constant Victim loop.

I believed that if I just ignored my childhood that I was a survivor and that I would easily let go of the past.  I thought I understood the process of forgiveness and had worked through the necessary counselling grindings in order to release my past.

I was wrong.

What I effectively did was brush everything under the carpet and closed the lid on the festering secrets.

What I thought was letting go through forgiveness was actually rationalizing away the behaviors of my abusers.  What I thought was working through the events was truly just skimming the surface to show that I wasn't keeping the secrets to myself anymore.  I was doing what the books taught me to do in order to become healthy.

I missed a very key element in all the logical pathways to freeing myself from my past.


I was in a constant state of stuffing or numbing my feelings.  Food or Drugs have been my constant friend from the time I was 13 on, since the abuse stopped and I began running away.

I have always, I Now understand, have been running to a future that has got to be better then my horrific past.   Its been almost thirty years since I was a victim yet I volunteer on a daily basis to subject myself to continued abuse.  Of course its not as intense as what it was then but there is always an element of pain in every relationship I hold and ever experience I create.  A sense of less then worthy in every dealing I encounter.

I am stuck in the past.

Wait let me rephrase that.  I was stuck in the past.  Until recently.

Crisis brought me to my knee's recently and my garbage can of festering secrets has busted wide open and the pain and feelings of anger and betrayal are flowing out of me like a flooded dam.  I can be no other place but the Now in this moment.  It is too fucking painful to be any other place then the now.

I remember clearly after I left my husband and kids, the confusion and pain I was experiencing was so great that I would have to stop myself and ask myself three important questions.  1. Am I alive right now? 2. Do I have food in my belly? 3. Do I have a safe place to sleep tonight?   Sometimes the answers to these questions were shady, like only having my car as a roof over my head and a three day old 7-11 sandwich in my belly, but it worked, it always calmed me down and refocused me back in the moment.  I find I am having to do that again today.

I need to keep myself on this moment these days because if I look at the fact that I am not working during the busiest part of our work season I get overwhelmed with guilt for letting my boss down.  If I look at the fact I got taken yet again through a rough drug relapse I will beat myself up and go back into it.   If I think about the fact that i just burnt my business plans to the ground I will throw my hands up and give in to worthlessness.

These are all thought patterns that tie me to a past that no longer exists and creates my future of continued victim hood.  I need to focus on this very moment and be in the now.

My now is extremely uncomfortable.  I am going through intense counselling that for the first time I am letting the feelings of anger, hate, rage, hurt, betrayal and sadness come to the surface to finally get their time in the spotlight.  I am letting the understandings that the pictures I painted of loving family members are inaccurate and am sitting in some hard truths that I have been running from my whole life.

In the now I am working on a dissociative personality disorder that needs to be acknowledged and then put back into her proper place.  I am working on depression and mania to bring my emotions back into a normal healthy range, learning to actually express them instead of stuff and numb.

In the now I am using the time off from work to treat my drug addiction and food addiction.  To regain my health, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  When I am focused on just today I can let the emotions, situations or thoughts arise to be worked through and redirected into an avenue that will move me forward instead of constantly loop me, begging for my attention.

There are many paths to healing and many paths to God.  I have Chosen Narcotics Anonymous as my path.  The reason why I wanted to delete this blog is because of all the slamming I did on this fellowship through these posts the past year.  I decided against deleting because I think its important to accept my human failings and just continue to move forward instead of trying to rewrite the past always.

So here is to Living as best as I can in the Now.  Letting go of Past haunting and future buildings, allowing myself to just Be the foundation.  Just for Today I will Live in the Now.

Follow the White Rabbit.....

For more Healing.....


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