Wednesday, October 1, 2014
The Pain of a Blooming Flower
That sounds so delightful to become a flower doesn't it?
Everyone knows change normally works out for the better, right? Well thats what they tell us when change is happening in our lives, don't they? How can mother nature make this process look so unbelievably, beautifully magical, when in truth its very painful.
For me I think there are two kinds of change:
I have experienced much change in my life. Change of jobs, homes, boyfriends, these changes are easy, these changes are within my control. They still bring an element of uncomfortability with them, but they also bring an equal amount of adrenaline,,, I am hooked on the adrenaline drug. So this kind of change is bad kind of change for me. Destructive change.
What does healthy change look like?
I guess this truly is what I am learning right now. The change I have been used to in my life is the running kind of change. The easy way out kind of change. The throw up my hands, I don't wanna do this anymore. kind of change. I am not so sure that is the change the flower speaks of when she blooms.
I have felt pain more intense then I ever have experienced in my adult years recently. I say that with theatrics because its not true. I have experienced intense hurt and pain in my marriage at one point and completely missed the boat on that change, choosing instead to ride out another 7 year cycle numb. I didn't choose to run away from the pain this time.
I was brought to crisis in my life as of late and find myself facing very hard truths about myself and my family and my past and how all of these are playing a major part in how my present is developing.
I am in a constant flux of emotional pain right now. I want to say that its horrible but it really isnt.
What it is, is hard. Its very tough for me to push through this, to keep walking forward when the information I am receiving through counselling and NA meetings about myself and the world I have created is terribly disturbing. To finally see the light of who I am and what I am creating is equally liberating and painful.
Without pain we wouldn't know joy.
Last year was one filled with tremendous joy for me. I was creating and moving forward in my life at mach speed. The speed factor was probably the largest problem to my shaky foundation but it afforded me a glimpse at the future I could create for myself.
This year I am experiencing the growth necessary to achieve that amazing future. Personal growth. This is the kind of change that I am learning about today.
Change of ones nature.
I have been on a self help kick my entire adult years. I have read every book on the shelves and have practiced every art of self change I could understand. I see now they were only small onion peels on the surface of who I am. I was never in deep enough pain to actualize the changes for real.
I went to counselling because I was smart enough to know my childhood abuse was gonna fuck me up at some point in life. But counselling never worked because I was not in any pain. I hid in a marriage that enabled my continued comfort thus keeping me safe from any experiences that would inflict pain.
Until recently I was not ready to open up to the pain of my past. It wasn't until I stumbled upon something I really really wanted that I couldn't have until I became healthier that the pain of staying the same became greater then the pain of change.
I am in crisis.
That crisis has brought me to the necessary avenues to help me through this tremendously painful process of bursting through the dark cold earth into the warm awaiting sun. I am engrossed deeply in the support and fellowship of Narcotics anonymous and I have an amazing counselor, who is guiding me with confident, expert knowledge on this process and I even have a psychiatrist on standby if the emotions threaten to kill me.
I want to bloom.
I am tired of running. I am tired of hiding. I am so tired of just surviving. I want to thrive and I want to achieve all the things I have talked about. This is not easy... actually this is by far the hardest phase of my life.... I have never experienced this before and to a perfectionist its highly disgusting, messy process to me. But I remind myself as I shoot up past the earth worms and the creepy spiders that the Sun is waiting on the other side for me and soon I will be bathed in warmth.
I am not sure what will come of this process. I have no happy endings yet. I am deep in the process and again its not a pretty one. My posts have reflected my withdrawing humour, being replaced with uncomfortable ramblings that make even little sense to me. I am desperately trying not to edit and delete so that in the future I can look back and be reminded of the truth of this process... not the edited to be fluffy versions that I like to present. So.....
I tell myself in sing song..... I will Survive!!