Friday, October 3, 2014

Losing Self Will

I am dry eye'd and a little tired from a good cry had already this morning.  Its always a hard realization when I come to understand I have been once again caught in the grip of obsession.  Lost in my own mind of torment.

I hate when I lose my happy and replace it with desires that are not attainable.  Two days ago the topic of conversation was being in the now, I thought I understood then that I was getting lost in being to focused on the future or the past.  Apparently not.  I only came too, after hours of pacing when I should have been sleeping, that its more specific then that for me.

I am in obsession.

The topic of conversation today is about self will over Gods will.

 I get these topics from the Narcotics anonymous, Just for today, daily meditation book.  These
meditations are good for everyone not just drug addicts, that's why I choose to share them here in my ramblings.

Self will to me is a form of obsession, or can be.  When I am taking my will to extremes it is obsession for me.  I have been to extremes in my mind as of late.

I have to remind myself as I rush through into step four of the twelve step program, that I am less then thirty days clean.  I think my little mind is working over time at getting me back to my full year of clean days.

As I paced my living room at four this morning, I cried to God about what the fuck was going on in my head.  I desperately wanted to know what was so seductively stealing my peace.  Not that I have really achieved any as of yet, but where I have been is definitely not a healthy place for a healthy journey of recovery.  I felt tormented.

It was in those wee hours that I realized just how much my ego was at play.  I say ego for the sake of the topic today.  I would prefer to use my 'addict'.  In the past I would have said it was 'Lady Vixen' but I am learning she is a totally different personality side of mine that isn't into the addictions as much as she is into all things boys.... so she very well could be at work here too... who knows.

Apparently I am just learning myself(s) right now... So to keep it simple I will just go with the Ego.

But I digress...

Ego over self will.  It turns out I have been spinning in a cycle of what my ego wants over what is best for me.  I lose focus when I let my egos will for my life take a drivers seat.  My ego wants Love, romance, drama, theatrics and all things flashy and fun.  Ya.... those things land me in a dry out center for five days.  My spirit cannot handle play like that anymore.  I am too sensitive for the harsh realities of what my ego wants.

But she masks her dreams and desires in beautiful packages of Love.   Something my Soul longs for.  My Ego is smart.  My ego is relentless.  My ego is obsessed with Love, turning the one thing my soul desires into something toxic and dirty.  I have been flying on self will the past week and in the middle of the night last night I crash landed.  And yes, again it hurt.

My ego brings me embarrassment.  My self will bring me shame.  You would think the ego is about fitting in and being a part of that those two emotions would not be in the egos repertoire.  They are for sure in mine.

I prefer to live in my Goddess nature, to be in waking meditation, to be of service to people, to wear what I want to wear and be friends with the under dogs.  I prefer to not be compared with others, to stand in my truth and follow my dreams even when they make most people question what I am doing.  I am much more comfortable being different.

So I am always frustrated when I fall back into self will after working so hard to get and stay in Gods will.   And I am even more ashamed when my self will turns into obsession.   Drugs have a way of switching things up for me.

Its been really tough this time roping in my ego, coming back from this relapse has opened my eyes to many many things I have been missing in my recovery these past few years.

My self care has got to be number one in my focal range.  Sleep. proper diet. Exercise. Clean home. Financial responsibility. Fellowship. Mothering. These come before I can dive into Step work, counselling or any kind of study or practice that betters me personally.  Self care is the foundation to build upon.

My foundation has been smashed a bit this relapse. Luckily I have ranted and raved about self care this past year and have made it a priority in the past.   I have three months off to rebuild my self care regime and get some stability happening again in my little world.

Then I can begin to clear the debris from my heart and mind that have kept my beliefs looping and my patterns cycling.  It will only be then that the will of my self will settle back in to the will of my highest power.   It will be then that I can continue on my journey where I left off at a year clean.  This is my consequence for taking that first drug. This is also the reward of of getting healthy.

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