Sunday, October 26, 2014
Emotions: Energy in Motion
Wow. I have been in an incredible place of processing and learning these past few days.
But first I have to say... staying home from work the past six weeks has not only afforded me a very quickly expanding waist line but my nails are seriously long and I can barely type anymore. I just hate when i actually have to cut my finger nails. I was a terrible nail biter my whole life until about eight years ago and now I grow these fabulous nails. They are a sense of pride for me to cut them is like gouging out a piece of my Ego.
........So I am really starting to feel the opening of my heart. I am really starting to feel the expansiveness of my soul that was trapped behind my twenty foot walls. I am seeing the effects in my life from having had the courage to keep the walls down after the explosion of July '014. And the rewards have been out of my scope of reality amazing.
I think the largest realization for me is the ways in which I keep everyone locked out of my life including my own feelings. I need to focus mostly on my feelings here because it has been through them that I have invited people in to my life again. How hard I worked at keeping myself closed off and shut down, not even getting close to venturing out to let people in. I was so blind to it that I didn't even know I wasn't letting people in.
Thats the definition of denial.... Don't Even kNOw I Am Lying. (To myself)
I had no idea I even had walls up let alone how I kept those walls securely in place. I think until you are cracked wide open, you cannot even know there is another way. This is why I am an advocate of taking risk's and experiencing things. Books and study cannot provide a cracking seed experience. Books and study only provide comfort to get through the opening experience. I was tackling it all wrong before.
Giving forgiveness before I even touched the pain, did not work.
So what were the walls made of, you so eagerly want to know??
Drugs. Over eating. Sexing. Over working. Staying ridiculously busy. Getting absorbed in TV shows. Pretty much anything that takes me out of my feelings and helps me to manipulate them is what I used to keep my walls up with.
I see how drugs were the most direct and effective way to not only kill my feelings but kill myself in the process. I am discovering a whole new layer to the walls coming down. And thats the way I would keep myself in pain. I am learning that no matter what, pain will be expressed if it is there within you. It is far to powerful of an emotion to just stay as a seed behind your walls. So drugs killed my body physically and mentally retarded me.
Over eating puts me in immediate physical pain as well as provides a fat buffer between me and the world, thus creating physical walls. Plus eating gets me out of overwhelming feelings in the moment. And its so socially acceptable to plow through a huge piece of cake when we are emotional women.
Over working keeps me too busy to deal with anything. My full attention is on creating something for someone else so I don't need to look at myself. I push my body and mind to hard, creating stress which harms my nervous system causing colds and flu's, illness and cancer. Again our society is very okay with getting a cold. sympathy is eaten up and accepted easily when we have proven just how hard we work by taking ill.... oh poor woman look how hard she works and now she is sick.
Smoking used to be a way I smoke screened people out and effectively implemented a slow seeping death as rat poisons entered in through my lungs and were moved into my tissues and muscles rendering me tired and shortness of breath. Again all these things i did not learn until I gave up these ways of hiding.
Sexing by far was the worst way for me to act out on my feelings. I think I either suppressed my feelings or found a way to act out. So eating and smoking suppressed. Over working, being to busy and sexing were the way I acted out the pain. Sexing put me in harms way of sexually transmitted disease and seriously hurt my soul and auric energy. Letting people into your intimate space like that suggests a serious lack of boundaries. I didn't care who came in because I was in pain and needed to express that. The rougher the sex the better. The dirtier the sex the better. The more rules I broke with the sex the grander the hurt in the end would be. And a world of hurt is what I was seeking. Its what I deserved.
I was in pain and needed to express that. Emotion is energy in motion. Its gonna find a way to release itself even if you refuse to acknowledge it.
I only know this because I have been cracked wide open lately. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't want to hurt others around me anymore because of my toxic seeping of pain all over the place. Second hand smoke, poor romantic partners that actually tried to love me, sorry boss for losing you contracts..... the list goes on and deep in the ways I have hurt people. But more important the list is heavy with the way I self torture.
I am tired of hurting myself. I have had enough hurt inflicted outside myself to be treating myself even worse then my abusers did. Yo stop hurting myself I have had to work so fucking hard this last couple months to not build up the walls that crumbled in the explosion. I still struggle hard with over eating, but I am working diligently on removing each brick I replace with this self harming tactic.
I set out to seek Love. Stopping the torture is apparently the first step. Who knew??