Wednesday, October 15, 2014

When Obsession Chooses You

I choose recovery.

So whats my next step??  I think this is the part of my addiction recovery journey that I tend to lose track of where I am going and why I am going there.   After having a few days clean and by few I do mean just over thirty days. Which is just a very few in the scope of forever, yet to the addicted mind it feels like forever already.

 That forever seems to be very cunning at teasing me into believing that I am ready to jump back into life with both feet.

I feel almost desperate to get back to work.

My energy returning and my mind starting to need more then a just for today thought.  I can feel my addict starting to tell me that if I don't get back to work soon I am gonna gain all my weight back. Several years ago the scale used to read 250lbs.  I am a landscaper today partly to keep in shape... that shape is quickly rounding again.

I want to go back to work.

My addict also tells me that my boss wont hold my job with his sights removed from me. My oldest daughter works as his receptionist.  He hasn't forgotten me.  My addict then shows me my very meager bank account and tells me I will never make it through the next couple months on those pennies.

You see I just transfer my addictions.  I have always lived from a place of obsession.  Workaholic.  Overeater. Sex and Love obsession is the worst and the one you see most of in this blog. These obsessions always lead back to drug addiction.

Can I live in some form of obsession and survive?

 I used to spend hours and I mean like two to five hours a day at the gym when I was losing my eighty pounds.  I would rather be at the gym then home making supper for my three young children and husband.  I would rather work out then hang out with my friends and family.  I was so into my body that even when my husband wanted to touch it, I was annoyed.  He was overweight.

People tell me to get into a healthy obsession.  I don't think that works for me.  Obsession for me makes my life unmanageable.  No matter how I slice it when my mind is obsessed with something it exhausts every resource available to me until I am sitting in a detox center hanging on by a thread.

I cannot afford to be obsessed.

How the fuck do I live then??

I look back to my early formative years and all I see is obsession.  I see nothing but one obsession after another.  My mind was molded at a very young age to be obsessive.  I have, through years of counselling. traced my obsessions back to younger then six years old.  Too young to be even able to comprehend obsession as a mind that young is nothing more then a perceiver.  Yet all the perceptions I got were from the people I loved and every one of them was deep in their own obsessions. Unavailable to me.

I struggle very hard to be in my life and present with my own children.  I learned that obsession was the only way to function my mind.  Trauma's supported that lesson and turned it into a belief.  The rest of my life I continued to play out the belief.  

I am always trying to get out of my life and my feelings as I have watched my own parents do my whole life.  Except now I am too old to blindly follow my parents examples.  Wish I woulda figured this out in my early twenties.... damn ridiculous slow learner that I am!!  And people say I am smart... ahahahaha.  Not!!

So let me move back to the original statement at the beginning of this post before I digress... where do I go from here??

I have until the end of December before I must go back to work.  Going to a drug rehabilitation treatment center has not panned out.  I  have an amazing therapist that is moving me swiftly through some pretty major stuff.  So I am not worried about a treatment center, what I need to work through here is time management and self discipline.  I have been to treatment before.  Its eight hours a day of intensive counselling and work book stuff on trauma's.  I have that kinda time and I have tonnes of resources and even the old work book from the center I attended the last time I landed here.

I finally feel ready and up to the task of ripping the obsession band aid off and get down to the dirties in my life.

 The rose colored glasses have already come off and pretty much every moment of my day is spent feeling gross, uncomfortable and wanting to crawl out of my own skin.  Every time I open my mouth to speak its almost like I regret it, I say shit that's not congruent to me anymore,  I don't know who I am, I feel like I have all these caged personalities fighting for my attention within me and the anxiety is almost overwhelming.

I stress again I have an amazing therapist walking me though as well as a psychiatrist on stand by in case I feel the need to self medicate with some blow, he promises me he has better shit in a prescription bottle... shit that wont kill me if I get a bad batch.

 And I have my family in Narcotics anonymous that wont let me go even half a day without word from me.  Man I love my sisters in recovery... its the only thing besides my girls that makes my heart glow even in the middle of a tar slimed, skin crawling dawning realization about myself or my life.

I have everything I need to move forward and get on with my recovery.  To really actually overcome my obsessive mind and change the way I think and act.  I have been doing a fair amount of study on the mind and it is a muscle that can completely and I mean completely regenerate itself.  I need to put in the work but I am slowly beginning to believe I can fully change the way my brain fires up.

So time for me to move the focus away from everyone else and the obsessions still playing out in my life.  I say that with some sadness.  I still really do enjoy my love obsessions... the fantasies it creates for me are way more enjoyable then the current reality I am manifested in,  But alas I know my life is unmanageable because of the thoughts so I must let go of them..... but its still sad for me.

Eight hours a day of step work, therapy, homework and self care.  Fuck I thought I was a mess before.... look out my friends Its about to get really real for me.  Dorthy is coming home and taking off the red shoes.

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