Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Messy Business of Feelings: From Drug Suppression to River flow

Sometimes I wonder who I should be marketing these writings too.  I go with drug addicts because its my main affliction.  But is it really?  The more I look back at my writings the more I see a trend of a woman dealing with feelings and how to express those feelings in a healthy way.  Drugs where the way I suppressed them.

Having gone to a kick ass counselling appointment yesterday and a great two hour chat with a friend and then another two hour womens healing circle,  I am broken wide open once again.

Having understandings about my life and why I do the things I do has not only shocked me but has also helped me to know how to move forward and make different choices in my future.   Being entirely open with where I am at in the moment and sharing that openly with people is the largest lesson I am learning today.

I am always learning something more about self honesty.

I am always learning something more about my feelings and how they are playing out in my reality.

 In the summer I experienced extreme overwhelm with my job.  I knew I was tired.  I knew I was pushing myself really hard.  But I had no idea how to slow down and set boundaries for my own safety.

I ended up in a detox center and now with three months off work.

Through all the counselling yesterday I see now that I was not being honest with myself.  I was way over tired and I had no idea how to ask my boss for help.  I did speak to him on numerous occasions but was never clear on what it was that I was seeking.  I just knew that things weren't right with me.  I had no idea at that time I was heading for a serious drug relapse because my feelings were lacking a healthy outlet.

I have a feeling problem.

I don't know what feeling is cursing through my veins most days.  Learning the hard way has always been the way for me.  I am seeing a therapist for dissociate identity disorder.  I have this disorder because I shut my feelings off a very very long time ago.  I lived under manufactured feelings most of my life and when a real one snuck through my thick crust I reacted with a temper tantrum.

This is  new layer of self honesty for me.

To realize my whole life has been lived from an emotional place of monkey see monkey do is kinda stomach turning.  My one goal after leaving my ex husband was to find Love.  Real Love.  I knew what him and I had wasn't real.  I had no understanding that the journey I was about to embark on was going to show me that I had not felt ANY real feelings for  a very very long time.

How is that even possible?

Feelings are such a huge part of our bodies make up and defense system.  How is it that I was able to function and get along relatively normal in my world without tapping into my feelings for protection or creation?  Have I truly never had any feelings?  What about when my kids were born?  Did I not feel anything when I walked down the isle at my wedding?

Learning what is a true me feeling and what is a manufactured feeling because that is what I am suppose to feel is the dawning realizations that are knocking me out into left field.  Seeing where real feelings have been so quiet and subdued and usually effectively taken care of by another aspect of me is very scary.

Learning not only how I have suppressed the feelings has been quiet a process but now learning how to express the feelings and setting boundaries around them is a whole new path I am taking.

I have felt very open and raw in my heart lately.  Like my entire core and feeling center has been busted wide open.  All my walls have been broken down and I feel very raw and exposed.  My feelings are oozing out into my reality and as good as it feels its kinda messy as well.  Well messy for someone who has manufactured and controlled them her whole life...  messy meaning that I don't have control over them.

Although I am not having temper tantrums now that I am allowing them their time in the spotlight.  They are not having to erupt and cause chaos for me now that I am slowly letting the air out of my huge  balloon of raw life long unexpressed emotions.

My therapy appointment was riddled with talk over an emotion that took over the session and was scary as hell for me, can you tell??

I find it fascinating and equally exciting that I am learning this whole new aspect of myself.  Yet at the same time I am fully understanding of that fear of moving forward.  I have embarked on a lot of journeys in my days.  many new programs, career choices and talents developed but nothing even comes close to this inner journey of change that is causing these huge ripples in my rushing river and is changing the course of where I am going at such a rapid pace its damn near impossible not to feel fear.

To end my day last night I got to watch a video I was in for promotional purposes for my hypnotherapy teacher.  As I watched myself speak animatedly about his course my self critical nature turned from picking myself apart to a growing self love for where I am at today and who I am becoming.   So the fear is very present but the rewards are equally as great.  I am finding that Love I set out five years ago to find.

I guess to answer my original concern this blog I guess is just a place for me to express my emotions and thoughts about those emotions.  Everything I do lately has started out one way with an intention set by my mind but then has taken a different current somewhere along the way of my emotions.

 I think this is what they call letting go and letting your higher power direct the way.  I take the first step and then I let the control go.  So weird. So Uncomfortable.

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