Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Is it Easier to Give then to Receive?

 I am having one hell of a time opening my heart chakra.  I have come to the new understanding that I struggle with accepting Love from others.  I am shut off to the receiving of Love.  I cannot let others in.

Those are all pretty negative statements about myself.  My years of new age philosophical study have shown me that these kinds of thoughts and affirming statements keep me in that stuck place.  To turn it around I must affirm something different.  I have been saying some Louis Hay affirmations and this one seems to have triggered  my new understandings...

I am one with Life, and all Life loves me and supports me.
Therefor, I claim for myself high self worth and self esteem.  I love and appreciate myself on every level.  
I am not my parents, nor any addictive pattern they may have had.
No matter what my past may have been, now in this moment
I choose to eliminate all negative self-talk and to love and approve of myself.
I am my own unique self, and I rejoice in who I am.  I am acceptable and lovable.
This is the truth of my being, and I accept it as so.
All is well in my world.

Louis Hay is queen of affirmations.  She has  book called Heal your Life and it is a wonderful program of peeling your inner onion.  I tried her program before falling into the rooms of NA.  I never got her program then, but now through the twelve steps I can access her teachings more openly now.

I started saying this affirmation about a month ago.  I say it when I go to bed.  She has one of these detailed affirmations written up after each chapter of her workbook.  I never really understood why I was saying this one until yesterday. It's an affirmation about addictions which seemed fairly obvious to me when I began chanting it nightly.  What has come to my attention now though is how much more I need to work through other then the surface issue of addiction.

'I am one with life and all life LOVES and SUPPORTS me'.    

I am fairly comfortable tapping divine love in meditation.  I am even getting comfortable generating my own self love through treating myself well and letting myself have fun and enjoy life.  I can feel love rush my heart when I call on it and I can feel it when I eat well or do something healthy for myself.  I love basking in this new found love from my higher self.

I have become uncomfortably aware I am not so okay with others loving me and supporting me though.  Thats what my one year celebration boomed from the box inside my reality.  I am not comfortable with outside support and Love.  I can hear nails grating on a chalkboard.

I don't really understand at this point why that is, other then the obvious... lack of trust.   Is it really that though?  I have been looking deeply into every relationship I have and I can see the continuous flow of outward love from me, but a huge iron wall blocking that flow of love back.  I can give, but cannot seem to receive.  No wonder why I am exhausted these days.

My youngest daughter was rubbing my leg as we cuddled, watching a movie the other day.  I could not focus on the movie, my mind was intensely focused on the uncomfortable sensation that her action was having on my entire physical, mental and emotional being.  I kept telling myself she was just expressing love and to relax and allow it in.  I didn't stop her,and I never relaxed.

That example was probably a poor one, as sexual abuse and physical touching will take years for me to work through, but it does go to show that my wall is there.  I don't let anyone in, physically or otherwise.  Probably why the emotionally unavailable guy is so seductive to me.  He won't seek what I can't give and vice versa.

'I am acceptable and lovable'.       ......not.......

I think this is the line of real focus at the end of this affirmation.  Going beyond the physical abuse of my childhood is really the emotional abuse.  This here ties into to my post yesterday and what deep beliefs were born out of not being protected and cared for properly as a child.  In my immaturity I felt not worthy or lovable enough for someone to stand up for me.  Even when my parent found out about the sexual abuse that had been taking place for almost ten years, they did nothing about it.  The good ol' fashion carpet brush.  I guess to a child if her parents didn't care, then why would anyone else in the world.

I can almost see the walls building in my teen years.  Brick by brick as each toxic teenage relationship affirmed my unlovableness.  The wall just kept getting higher until I started another wall behind the first one.  I am sure today that wall is three layers deep.  

So how do I get past this?  

Awareness, acceptance and action.  

I am always the bright student when it comes to awareness.  I hear it constantly from my counselors and sponsors.  "B, good for you and your awareness, thats the first step'.   I am aware of everything because I trained myself as a child to be highly alert.  I had to be.  To protect myself.  Acceptance is the issue.  I wanna get laid today.  In the worst kind of way.  I know I cant get loaded, my families eyes are on me now.... Stupid marriage of recovery and family through the one year celebration, man NA is ridiculously effective..  So whats the next best way to escape reality for me.... sex'er up!

I need to prove myself wrong on this whole accepting love thing because I know I feel love when I hook up with a guy.  What else can that feeling be?  It makes my heart wanna jump right out of my chest.  I feel warm, loved and on top of the world.  I feel safe and invincible when I am nestled in the arms of a guy.  It doesn't matter if it's a stranger or not, I feel acceptable.

Until the next morning.

So what is it that a seedy, creepy guy gives me that fills me up?  Diseases!  Kinda like my dope feeds a disease.  Why does all of this all need to be so contradictory.  I can hop into bed with a stranger and be okay, yet when my own flesh and blood rubs my leg I wanna crawl outta my skin.

Acceptance without the work.  Thats what the guy gives me.

This stuff I know already, yet still kinda unwilling to accept it.  I would rather the five minutes of relief with a guy then to face the fact I have a shit tonne of work to do.  Pulling down this wall brick by brick makes me squirm in my chair as I type this.  I don't even know where to begin.

I guess once the acceptance occurs then the steps to take action will fall into place.  This is where that serenity prayer steps in and guides my higher power take care of all those details.  I just have to become ready... back to the third step.  No wonder we say both prayers during every meeting.  Sneaky bastards!

I really don't know what I am afraid of.  What would be so bad about allowing love into my life?  I love giving it.  What is so tough about receiving it?  Would my life not be better if I could?  And can I honestly say I am not receiving any at all?  I can feel it seeping in through the cracks in my wall, like everyone's kind words the other night.  What am I afraid will happen when i let my wall down?  My kids are not gonna hurt me.  Maybe the toxic guy will and maybe the vindictive bitch will, but my family won't.  My close friends won't.  And if they unintentionally do, I am way smart and will logicalize that hurt and understand instantly why they did.  So what really am I so freaked out about that I am willing to risk gonorrhea for?

Getting rid of the deep belief that I am not acceptable or lovable.  That's really whats gonna remove the wall.  I need to believe that I am acceptable.  I need to believe that I am Lovable.  Because I don't believe those two.  Accepting those will be the very quick flow into action.  That's where my river is damned.

I guess for now I will keep saying the affirmations that will trick my brain into slowly shifting consciousness from unlovable to lovable, from unacceptable to acceptable.  Till that shift occurs I need to say my serenity prayer and distract myself from that incredibly enticing, hard bodied, sexy, oiled up playboy..........

Oh, Dear Goddess Help me. 

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