I can feel this anger beginning to seethe right below the surface of my exterior. Like hot lava just waiting for its moment to erupt. My analytical mind searches desperately for its root cause so that I may apply the years of training I have had on controlling my emotions. Yet the searing burn of the emotion blinds my mind to any productive thought process.
None of this is effective for me right now. I have done the visualizations. I deeply understand that holding anger is not good for me and is definitely not doing anything to the situation or person it is directed towards.
Yet I am still seething and wonder why.
This morning in meditation I felt like my higher power was giving me permission to just feel it. I think maybe that's my root problem is that I completely shut these feelings out knowing that they are not helpful to me. I skip the steps of moving through the emotion in light of staying in my head and processing there. I am beginning to learn that I cannot process an emotion in my head.
That thought scares me.
I remember the last time I allowed myself to feel anger, it exploded into rage and became way way larger then I was.
My ex husband had just moved me and my oldest and only daughter at the time to a small isolated northern town for his career. Within three months of being there and also three months pregnant he wanted to break up. He claimed he didn't love me anymore nor thought he ever had. In that moment I was devastated. Looking back there was pure truth to his words, I was just incapable of seeing it at the time. I instead went into a rage that was out of my world.
I broke shit. I yelled. Then I begged and pleaded. Then I coward and sunk into the pitty pot. Then I bounced back out into an even deeper rage. This went on for months. I realized my rage was larger then me when after breaking nearly everything in my home I stood in front of the TV with a five pin bowling ball and wondered what the TV would do if I threw the ball at it. That's when I got scared.
Since that day and up till that day I never ever allowed myself to feel pain in any form. That rage was years of it erupting like lava. Looking back today I can see clearly what was happening. I was angry at being abandoned and left by yet another male in my family. It was truly my dad the rage was directed at not my ex husband. (Actually upon proofing this post I see that it was not even my dad I was angry at, it was just the emotion of pain over abandonment that was the cause. I think learning to not point blame and own the emotion for what it really is.... just an emotion, like a thought that can be overdone.) Looking back now it was a prefect opportunity for us to part ways saving many wasted years....... but oh well can't dwell on that now.
So what is the anger that's beginning to surge through me now? How do I move through this anger without a repeat of bowling ball to TV? I love my TV. Meditations are great, but is not approaching the situation or person better? Are meditations in some cases just another way to not deal with the issues at hand. I guess for childhood stuff there isn't anything other then meditations or journalling to deal with it. What about the stuff that still goes on today? That must fall under self care.
Going even deeper, how do I deal with something bugging me today but has a link to childhood stuff? How do I keep the earlier rage out of the now stuff? I feel like this seething is gonna erupt whether I am ready to deal with it or not, I might as well direct it as best as I can while I still can. I cannot stuff it with food anymore it's just not working.
Walking through my feelings has got to be the toughest part so far of recovery. I have no idea what they are when they come up, and once I do identify them I have no idea what they mean or how to effectively handle them. Its like I am meeting this whole new side of myself that truly has a mind and energy all of its own. It's surprising and I feel a bit threatened by this side of me. I have ran the show all these years from my head and now this newcomer waltzes in and thinks she has a better way of living from this thing called the heart? wtf?
This is gonna be an interesting year for me, I can just feel it.