I am always in a place of bettering myself. Working expertly hard on creating inner happiness and when not achieving that, trying some new and different. I am always doing, doing, doing. I am master of creating my reality, I am master of breath and directing my thoughts. I am skilled at cultivating the feelings I choose to have and am truly in full control of every facet of my life.
Everything in that above paragraph is from a place of my Ego/addict/lower self.
Learning to let go of that side of myself means learning to just flow with the river of life. Letting go of control. Letting go of trying to be something I am not, of feeling something I am not suppose to. Learning to flow means accepting the direction of the river and not getting out when I decide I have had enough, or when the turn takes me in a direction that I think is wrong. Learning to flow means accepting the peaceful ponds as equally as accepting the grande rapids. It also means accepting the long stretches of the boring sameness.
This is a very tough lesson for me. Just learning to be. Just being. Not judging, just observing whats going on within me. Detachment has been a ten year lesson for me and one that I think is pounding at my door now.
Let me get real....
I am feeling sick all the time these days, I am burnt out from work and all the excruciating work I put into myself and my recovery in this past year. I had a wonderful boundary setting talk with my boss the other day where I stated how hard I work and how hard I play and how equally hard I crash. I do nothing halfway its all or nothing. Easy does it is lost entirely on me.
I am still of the school of extremes.
When I feel under that acceptable happiness barometer I have set for myself, I get a little crazy. If I cant get myself out of it in a reasonable time my mind slips back to memories of 6 year long depressions and I panic. Either upping the happiness anti or beating the shit out of myself to speed up the inevitable.
What I am learning today is that sometimes we have days, even weeks where we are just not brimming with overflowing joy. And thats okay. I can see from past experience when I can maintain that joyous nature for extended periods, I am either high or manic. Neither a welcomed state for me today.
So accepting below the line energy after a long season of hard outdoor work is okay. Giving myself permission to not be in top form and practicing my standard of perfection is okay. I am okay. It's such a scary thought for me to slip below that line and get lost again in that misery again. However when i see that I am practicing my self care, doing the things necessary for myself to be fully healthy then all I can do is accept the feelings and state that I am in as the state I am suppose to be in.
Compassion for others starts with compassion for myself. I lack compassion. I expect perfection. Fuck step six is kicking my ass these days and flooding light all over my character defects. Perfectionist, bully and I push to hard. Lots of prayers have been going out to remove these defects and to move on to letting go and detaching from the behaviour and understanding that is not who I AM.
So flowing down my river in not a fancy river pontoon but a make shift pallet raft is where I will be if you need me. Facing my inner defective demons and eating humble pie.... all of that said with an abundance of gratitude for accepting the fact that down days are as powerful and wonderful as up days. I get to spend yet another day cuddling my beautiful yet growing like a beanpole baby girl on our gorgeous couch watching movies on a TV I bought with my hard earned money. Life is good even if I do feel like a bag of shit. Thanks for listening,