Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Will I walk through Samhains Door?

I have so much going on in my mind as usual...

Actually I don't even think its my mind, it's more my emotions.  I find this phase of my journey to be really hard to label and understand.  I think I have always processed my feelings through my head so when emotional issues hit I rationalize them, divert them and move on.  Today I am learning a new way and it's .... hard.

I know that I stuff my feelings with food and that knowledge has blown my ignorance out of the water.  I can no longer bliss out on food.  I used to Sex my way out of my feelings, such a powerful distraction to dealing with my shit.  I can no longer bliss out in the strangers bedroom.  When all that failed I moved to substances to kill the feelings that refused to be ignored or rationalized or diverted ... I cant do that anymore.

Today  I know that when I am doing those things feelings are bubbling to be dealt with.  I have been walking through these feelings the past month or so and trying hard to just sit in them.  I am eating chocolate and drinking coffee like they are both going out of style.  I am still running.

Why is it so hard to just let them come up to be dealt with?  What am I so afraid of??

I am living a good life today....... NO,   Great Life today, probably the best yet.   I am doing the work for my inner health, so why do I refuse to walk through this door?   Why do I refuse to walk into my feelings?

Rationally I know that nothing bad will come of this, that by walking through the door my life can only get 'even' better.  So why then will my rationalization which I am so fond of not appease me right now?

Am.... I actually afraid of it getting better?

Honestly?   Maybe that is it.  I have been asked before to imagine how good my life can get.  And my life got real good.   Then I asked myself how good can I handle it?  And I pushed for even more good and got it.  I was on top of the world.  My friends are probably sick of hearing this story.  But i wonder now if I am holding on to the story because I have some beliefs holding me back that were born out of that time in my life.

You see the story of my grande success a few years back, ended tragically for me.  I use theatrics to hide the pain of how devastating that period of my life was.  I had it all and the fall from that pedestal was a long one.
I am scared of ruining this good in my life today the same way I did then.  Every day thats good my fear grows.  With every intimate conversation I have with loved ones my fear grows.  With every bonus at work my fear grows.  Every time my girls amaze me..... my fear grows.

I am almost to the point of 'deathly afraid' of losing all this.  Losing it by my own hand.  No one takes this shit from me, no one pushes my off the pedestal.  No I jump myself tearing it all down with me.  I take the sledge hammer to my life and destroy it before anyone else can.  I am in full control of my own demise.

I can see my past as a cartoon right now as each time I rose up in success the goofy rubber sledge hammer comes out to bonk my B'jenga blocks to the ground.  It's almost ridiculous how clear my pattern is and how deep my fear is to move again in that direction.

So does ignorance work in the same way for the good as it does for the bad habits.  No longer able to bliss out on the bad habits and no longer gonna take the blowup sledge hammer to my good?

So if I am always preaching that first comes awareness, then acceptance and finally action... I guess I am in that brutally aware phase.  How do I accept this fear?  And what action do I take to move forward past it?  Through that super scary door that won't stop jumping up in my path??  The gloomy door of feelings?

Ugh... cycles.  The goddess card that i meditated upon today spoke of accepting our cycles and that there is always down cycles to match the good cycles.  This too shall pass she reassured.  I find it amusing as we are coming up on Samhain the witches new year, that I am becoming aware of a pretty deep pattern in my life.

I always destroy my shit because one I am afraid of success and two refuse to walk through my feelings. Soon the turn of the year will be upon us and so too is my life about to begin a new cycle.  I guess my choice is whether i want to cycle with these feeling avoiding tactics for another year or if I want to embark on a new journey into the emotional depths of my being.....

Ugh that thought seriously makes me wanna vomit.  Oddly enough I know its the path I need to choose.  I cannot do another year in this ignorance unblissed torture.

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