Sunday, December 15, 2013

Whats Love got to do with it??

How does one learn to love themselves? 

This has been a question I have battled with for several years.  I remember being told many years ago that \i needed to learn to love myself first before any of this good that I was seeking could come to me.  I desperately began to seek what it meant to love myself.  The search was frustrating.

Today I find I slip in and out of self love.  I love myself but definitely with some conditions.  If I eat poorly I cut the self love supply off.  If I make a negative choice or allow negative emotions to over take me, the love gets withheld.  If I indulge in anything not purely pure then that love supply is removed as punishment.

I am now using this new found self love I have as a way to keep myself in check.  The hungry little addict desperate for just a morsel of that pure feeling of Love, I will do anything for it.  Then when I realize I am being manipulated, I rebel and my fuck you attitude attacks.

All within the confines of my own simple mind.... like wtf?   I have a full village of crazies living inside my skull.

Why am I even ranting about self love today?  Well it wasn't my plan.  My plan was to prove that Timmies coffee is making us stupid.  My plan was temporarily thwarted because I still cannot get onto blogger from me desktop computer.  I am using my laptop that struggles to breath because her fan is broken.  I can't type and have research windows open at the same time on this gentle machine.  When I realized my plans had to change as always I threw a bit of an inner tantrum and headed over to facebook.

I am finding FB to be a fairly accurate oracle for me these days.  I have eliminated anyone off my home feed that is not positive and inspiring.  This allows me to get really great positive posts all the time.  Recently all the posts follow a trend and that trend for the day seems to be a message I am needing to hear.  Today it was one picture after another about self.  Putting yourself first.  Learning to love all part of yourself.... and so on.

Sometimes I get annoyed by the over use of a message.  I got it the first time I usually yell at my computer screen.  But did I really get it?   Over ten years ago is the first time I received the message to learn to love myself.  Today am I there yet?

Conditional love I guess is a step in the right direction but it's not ideal.  I am using love negatively, I don't think thats good.  I am turning this so-called grande feeling of Love which embodies half of the feelings range to induce harm unto myself.  So I guess some people would argue that I am actually coming from that place of fear not love.

I am learning in my Hypnosis course that there are many parts to the brain.  I think all my parts have a persona attached to them.  I am not so much living from a place of fear or love but more from a place of sister bitch and passive mother.  I feel like there is always a manipulative power play happening within me.  Love has now become the hockey puck.   Who ever has control and the chance to score, maybe causing advancement for her own cause.

I don't think the issue has ever been out side myself.  Actually I KNOW the issue has never been outside myself.  My entire world has been created from within the limits of my skull and heart.  Heart being broken, just my skull has ran the hologram.  Now that my heart is mending there is a bit of a battle going on.  They say the longest journey you will ever take is the 18 inches from your heart to your head..... No shit it's been over ten freakin years!

So anyhoo.   Looks like today is to be a day of self love, whatever the fuck that looks like.  I will abandon ship on the Timmies makes you stupid post for now, although I am certain they put a dumb drug in it to stop your alertness but whatevs, for another day.   I never did answer how to love one self unconditionally, because to be honest.... I have no idea at this point.  Accept all parts of myself I guess, even those negative yucky ones.

Love to all and to all a Good day.

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