The Xmas Eve Jitters

Christmas Eve.   The one day of the year as a child I was over the top happy.  What child that participates in Christmas is not in great spirits today?  It is the day Santa comes and fulfills their wishes.  Their little dreams are manifested today.  ( I could go a whole different direction with this post today just on that last line alone, but I need to work through some feelings instead. Next Year)

I have finally figured out why I am not a bowl of roses on this occasion.  It was always right under my nose and I missed, again.     Change,     chaos,      and walking through new experiences.   These three things always put me into a place of uncomfortableness that brings about a chain of reactions that lead me to a place of ill feelings.  Feelings over exaggerated as I used to do with my thoughts.

I have been shit kicking myself these past few weeks because my emotions have not been congruent with the actions in my life.    My feelings have gotten increasingly sour where I felt they should have been growing with excitement.  My body has become more lethargic where the environment has called for more energy.  My home has become a bundle of excited happiness, where I have grown dark and brooding.  Not congruent at all with what is occurring around me.

Why is that?

Change.  So simple and disgustingly obvious.  I still struggle through change even though...I thought I was more aware of it.  I don't understand why I struggle so much with the simplest of disruptions in my life, but I do.  I figure it's probably because I do not have a good enough foundation yet to be able to sway like an oak tree through these Chinook winds.

So what are the changes that have my feathers ruffled?

The holidays throw off my work schedule.  I like routine with the hours I work. Actually it`s better said that I NEED routine hours.   I love the change in duties when the seasons change, but I need the solid structure of hours within the day.  With winter, I work at 4am when the snow flies and 9am when it doesn't.  That in itself has been bothering me.   I just now realize.  But this week with Christmas  upon us, I have worked more chaotic hours and I worry about my paycheck.  That is ill feeling number one.

The second nagging emotion demanding to be acknowledged is the situation around my Christmas tree.  My son is here for the holidays!  I have all three of my children under my roof at Christmas this year.  It is the first year since the split with my husband that this is so.

I can't even begin to identify the feeling that brings up.  Reservation.  Holding my breath.  I don't know what it is that I am afraid of.  I feel sad, it feels weird, I don`t really know how to respond to the emotion.  Everything feels kinda alien to me.

..... Wait I am incorrect about the first Christmas with them.  There was another Christmas I had them and it was a terribly painful one.  I forgot about that one two years ago.  Only just this moment did that memory resurface.  Wow.  That is odd.  I blocked that Christmas out because it was really rough for me.

This is only the second Christmas I have had with my kids since the split.  It`s not nearly as painful as that first one, but now I know why I have the apprehensive feelings around this holiday.  It`s not only the fact of the split between my ex and I, I have to work through the trauma`s of that last Holiday with them.  Maybe work through is a bad term, more just acknowledging is enough.

There is something even more basic surfacing for me.  I miss the big celebrations we used to have as a family.  I started the post about my own happiness around the Holidays.  I miss that young innocent happy.  No matter what was occuring in my life at that time, this holiday was the one time of year that all my pains faded for a couple days.  I miss that.  It seems as an adult this is the one time of the year that draws up all the pains.  Odd.

Creating new traditions and new experiences gets tougher as you get older I think.  I have so many memories that are over the top good and as time goes on it gets harder to match and beat those memories.  Learning a new way to settle into the now and accepting the moment for what it is and comparing it with the past less I guess could be a lesson to learn here.  And truly I am not saying I have not made even better memories in my adult years.  Last new years turning our spare bedroom into a tent fort was the way coolest new years I had ever had.

I have been living in the past these few weeks.  I haven`t been in the moment, in the now with my kids.  I have so many cool gifts to give them that didn`t break the bank.  I have a wonderful meal planned out for my mom and family.  I have a wonderful day of lights and skating today planned.  Life is truly marvelous and I am missing it because I am indulging feelings from the past that won`t manifest again...... unless I keep feeding them my power.

To acknowledge and accept my feelings is the toughest lesson for me.  It is the simplest way to release them, to remove their power.  I am learning my feelings just want to be noticed not relived every time they tweak.  Gentle reminders of past paths, a subtle protection beacon.  Notice and let go.

This is my notice.  Christmas`s without my Ex husband are different.  There is some sadness in that, and well now that I am willing to look, there are some really cool goods to that.  We do Xmas MY way! lol   My other notice is that I have a wicked kickass job that has such a flexible work schedule that I can take the days off before Christmas to enjoy my son.  I have banked time and holiday time that I can draw from and my boss would never ever let me struggle finacially.  I have a great job.

I am entirely grateful.  That I see now is what I was losing by indulging my feelings the way I used to let my thoughts run me.  A whole new process cycle with these stinking feelings.  Oh YAY.

So now that I have worked through all that here with you.  Thank You, I feel tremendously better.  I feel free to enjoy the rest of this holiday with my kidlets knowing that My greater than consciousness(higher power) will always take care of me.

Merry Christmas to All!!!!  Happy Blessings to you in your own journey`s and processes.  I send a copiuos amount of love and gratitude to you for reading this today.  I wish you, your dreams manifest this evening of magic.  I Love You!!

Getting High on Feelings?

The thread of my posts for the next bit are surely to continue on with the element they have been seemingly assuming.....  feelings.

Such an intriguing concept to me now that I am opening to them.  A very large playground for my analytical mind to dive into and pick apart.  The reason why I am stating this now is to warn those people that don't wish to walk this journey with me.  For some people feelings are still a foreign understanding and for others a repulsive action.

I have observed recently how much our society feeds the feel good feelings and teaches us how to go out of our way to avoid the not so good feelings.  I am beginning to see how we are rewarded for our positivity and shunned for our balanced counterparts.   Staying overly busy is the norm in this western world we live in,  being busy leaves no time to feel our wide range of feelings.  Thus only affording us time for the feelings we choose to cultivate.

That sounds wonderful... choosing our feelings.  Except we can't always choose them, sometimes they choose us to communicate something to us.  Our feelings I think... still working on the understanding part... are not like our thoughts.  Our feelings are deeper.

I was reminded of our societies idiosyncrasies when a beautiful Spanish man shared at a meeting last week.  His accent captured my full attention but his expression of feelings reminded me of a dear Love of mine.  I call him Merlin.  He was the first man I dated after I left my ex.  He was Lebanese raised in Mexico and world traveled, he was in tune to his feelings also.  I sometimes long to live in a country that honors and nurtures our true full natures and not just the sunny shine self help in full control of your entire thought/feeling process one hundred percent of the time country for which I was sentenced this lifetime.

Alright I am done my rant...

I have come to understand that I am extremely uncomfortable sitting in my not so blissful feelings.  I have come to learn this by identifying my patterns in my life.  This is what Step four gifts us, a chance to see the patterns playing out in all areas of our lives.  Each time I have worked step four I am shown a different pattern that needs to be removed or changed.  It is the same concept as the new agers see as belief re patterning.  Our beliefs create our realities, step four shows us very detailed ways our beliefs keep us sick.

How have I been keeping myself sick?  By never allowing myself to feel anything negative.  Now for myself I must define what is negative and what is positive.  Because its not good or bad terms I am dealing with here.  I don't believe anything is bad in our realities, everything is balance.  To have a good feeling is to also at some point experience an opposite feeling.  This is also not referring to a bi-polar pendulum swing of good one day not so much the next.  In my youngest years to feel a feeling of anger or sadness or anything on the down side was not good.  I can hear the words ring in my head..'stop crying or I will give you something to cry about'.   So I have stopped crying about my life.

However that's not entirely true either I am beginning to see.  In order to give myself permission to feel my feelings I must be engaged in some kind of situation that is acceptable to my mind to express negative feelings.  Oh I see a deeper understanding developing here then the one I originally intended to write about.  How exciting,  this is why I blog folks!!  You see what I wanted to write about was the ways I get out of my negative feelings, but I am seeing that these same ways to get out of them are actually ways of getting into them.

Let me explain.

I live in a feel good mentality.  I am always starting something new to create passion and excitement in my world.  New job every six months to a year.  Once a job gets settled I feign boredom and begin seeking out New adventures.  My resume is fifteen pages, front and back!!  I am always starting up new friendships but when things get to touchy feely for me I back off for a couple years and reconnect when things will be fresh and new again.  I have long term friends but not incredibly deep friendships... just super patient friends.  lol

 And of course the way I love to get out of my feelings the most is through romance.  The excitement of finding a new guy to explore is over the top good feelings for me.  I love jumping from guy to guy giving each one six months to a year depending on how entertained they keep me.  Some last mere moments, others allow me to keep doing the break up and get back together exciting thing, which I love even more.  Lastly is the party time feel good.  Although I am not sure if its my age or the fact I have ruined every drug under then sun for myself, but there is never anymore feel good in that, I always fall into the new budding awareness of using to actually afford me an out for my feelings.

And this is the new dawning for me.  Each of these ways, maybe not work so much, but definitely using and romance and not so much friendships either.....  brings me to a flip side of the excitement which is pain.  I am beginning to see that I need these romances to turn ugly so that I can feel the pain that is bubbling under my surface needing an outlet.  I can see how I use in order to be able to find my whale song.   I can only express my pain in what I identify as a healthy outlet through broken romances and getting loaded.

 As I write this I am thinking.... Duh, your just realizing this now.... it does seem kinda logical and maybe normal people can identify this without having to do a Step four fifteen times.  I am far from normal.

So now that I have identified the issue how do I solve it.  I get not getting into another romantic relationship.  Its just hiding my feelings by focusing on the other person and the feel good stuff.  That has been a harsh reality for me and I am getting that lesson loud and clear.  However I am feeling a down feeling at work these days.  The excitement of working this job is wearing off and I am getting antsy.  Although now I see it a bit clearer and I am not truly getting bored, I am just beginning to open up to my boss and co-workers and letting people get to know me. All of me, the great makes no mistake employee and the one that fucks up coworker.... Yuck.  I am starting to have to walk through some feelings other then the feel good excited ones that a new job brings.   I am also feeling this same thing in a couple friendships of mine.  Moving past the bolting part, sitting in the never been here what are these feelings about??

I see that I am also feeling that in my fellowship of recovery as well.  Having thoughts of moving on and starting something new because I have learned all I need to and it's time to stir up my emotional excitement.  When in reality it's truly time for me to push through these not so 'high' feelings and get on to the more grounded and balanced feelings.  In step ten its asks if we have felt any extreme happiness or pain today and I am beginning to understand why they ask that.  I am always on the high cloud of recovery, new job, new romance, new friendship.... new something.  I really never get past that high into the more mundane feelings in a healthy fashion without over eating, getting loaded or sexing my way through it.

I think the key to solving this is to know when to push through the feelings that are uncomfortable for me and when I am truly being prompted by my higher power to seek out a new adventure.  I know I am not in for a life of humdrum, I just need to find a bit more of a calmer balance and not strive for those extreme feelings any more.  Those are the feelings that swing the pendulum to balance themselves out.  Maybe its time to learn to live in the grey and find contentment with happy and sad, instead of excitement and pain.  I think to get to this place I need to roll through my feelings as they come up instead of self forcing them by getting into romances that are not for me, or quitting jobs that are for me.  Maybe this is part of the trust in the universe that I need to step into.

When I force a situation in order to feel, maybe I am doing so because that way I can identify my feeling and have some form of control over it.  I know right now when something comes up out of the blue with no seeming cause I get pretty messed up about it.  I can't analyze it or try to figure it out and that scares me and causes me to want to shut it down instantly.  Aka... eat a pound cake or smoke a joint.  See I got suppression here that I control and then when that suppression gets out of control I jump into a romance to release it!!!  Ah fucking dirty patterns!!

Okay I need to stop writing.  I don't want to learn anything more about myself today.  Back to blissful ignorance.... I'm out.

AFGE!! Another F@$*ing Growth Expereince!!

"With the power of God that I AM, today I choose peace. 

With the power of God that I Am, today I choose love 

With the power of God that I AM, today I choose to be happy and to be be united with all life,

May all beings be happy.  May all beings be peace.   AMEN" 

 

Yesterday during my morning ritual of prayer and meditation I asked Spirit to help me learn the process of letting go.  I am tired of getting caught in the spinning cycle of holding on to my hurts and letting them fester, creating wounds beyond mending.  My prayers were answered.

One of the things I have learned through this program and through trying many other spiritual paths before coming to NA is that connection to spirit is not enough to gain complete inner healing.  Even walking through spirits lessons is not a full process.  We need to do our part in the healing, we need to do the 'work'.

In the past programs I was involved in the 'work' was learning how to pray.  Learning how to meditate.  Learning ritual, learning about props to aid in spiritual connection.  Learning through meditation how to clear problems.  All of the tools I was given were of a mental capacity.  For the mentally healthy person these are all great as that person has a foundation for which to already stand.  For an addict with a mentally unstable foundation I had to go back a bit further.

The twelve steps have taught me a very very basic fundamental tool that so easily gets overlooked by me when I get stuck in a process.   Pen to Paper.   Three simple words to release me from the bondage of suffering when I cannot let go.  I will write it again,  Pen to Paper.   How strange is it for me who loves to write and understands deeply the therapeutic value of it, to miss the simple act of picking up a blue ball point pen and a piece of loose leaf paper??

Blogging is a wonderfully creative tool for me to discover things about myself in a meeting like public fashion.  However there are layers of myself that I cannot share in this fashion as they are not meant to be exposed to the world.  The wounds to sensitive for that much air, the risk of infection to great.   Good ol' fashion pen to paper and cauldron to burn it after sharing with my sponsor.  That is how I let go.  It's how I have always learned to let go.  Why does it escape my memory when I am knee deep in my own shit again?

I have the thickest skull with the slowest rate of learning on the face of this planet I am sure.  Constant repetition and at least three major go rounds before I learn a lesson.   Well this is go round number three so this is it for hashing this shit up.  

So today on my agenda after a pretty emotionally intense day yesterday for me, is a quiet day at home working my steps and writing out a few full length hurt process's.   A good release will come from that and tonight I will reward myself with a girly sleep over with my best friend of ten years.  No matter how much I cycle, no matter how far in the pits of hell I fall or how bright my light gets, she loves me.... that will comfort me after a day of open rawness.

Learning how to book end my 'work', is what keeps me sane and enjoying the journey of recovery.  Whenever I plan to do some deep painful inner work, I always do something fun and self care like before I start and then again when I am done.  My last sponsor taught me this and it has become a valuable tool for me.  I have let my current sponsor know that I am doing some scab pulling today and she is on stand by.  

 It's not an easy path we choose to recover our true worth, but it is a rewarding one...... when you work it.

Work it cause your Worth it!!

Step 1, 2,3,11... Repeat!

Bide the Law ye must

In perfect Love and Perfect Trust

Eight words this Rede fulfill

'An ye harm none, do as ye will'

Ever mind the rule of three

What ye send out comes back to thee

Follow this with mind and heart

And merry meet and merry part.

I have known  of this rede for many years.  I have claimed to live by it for most of those years.  Just recently however I became aware I lacked true understanding of the meaning behind the words.

My lesson to learn recently has been about the impact of my decisions on the people and thus the world around me.  Coming from that place of my selfish inner six year old, I was unable to see beyond my nose.  I acted in a way always that suited my needs of the moment and didn't even consider that there may be people outside my realm that would be effected by meeting my needs, wants... needs.

Dont get me wrong I am not a fool, my momma taught me to be concerned for others.  It's not like I didnt know I could hurt others... duh, I understood that.  What I couldnt see is how a selfish choice that seemingly only effected me and another person actually started a domino effect in my little realm.

Always weighing the consequence of my decisions I tend to make sure the people directly involved with my choices are brought into the realm of my understanding.  What I am learning today is that my realm is very small.  In the selfish nature of my addict I tend to want what I want right now and will tunnel vision to get it. 

The part of the above Rede that I claim to live by that has me sitting in some of my shit is...'An ye harm none, do as ye will'.   In the past this fed my selfish nature as I was unable to see how I hurt people with my actions.  Today it is becoming blaringly clear how my actions have far reaching ripple effects and that harm none has a wider span now.   This is where humility enters.  To know that each action I take will directly and indirectly create a ripple in the pond of my reality and those realities of the people in the pond with me.

Where I once seen only those directly infront of me, I can now see those to each side, and behind me.  I never seen her coming at me but now I can feel every movement behind me because of that missed awareness before.  I am highly attuned to all actions of those around me now and this brings me out of my tunnel vision back into the realm of community.  Obsession creates the tunnel, choices made in obsession bring harm.

'What ye send out comes back to thee'  claims the law of three.  I do not have the option any more to  send out negative energy.  It is like a boom-a-rang, super fast and fucking painful when it smacks me in the face.  So why would I even want to go to these harmful negative places in the first place?  That is the question that mildly haunts me.  I say mildly because I am begining to understand that I won't always receive all the answers to my life questions.  Cunning, baffling and powerful is  the disease of obsession and compulsion. 

I am  back in the light today and walking with the Goddess energy of Quan Yin and feel tremendous gratitude for my life and my higher powers.  I can see clearly now where I went off course recently and all the warnings begining with whispers escalating to screams from my gaurdian spirits.  The next time my intuition will be recognized quicker and I will hopefully steer clear of the impending danger.

All this criptic talk and spiritual energy comes from the place of inner sactuary that I am sitting in right now.  Letting go of  this past hurt has been a peeling of the layers, physical... followed by mental and today in the spiritual.   I think for me I always stop or get stuck in the mental and stay repeating the cycles.  As I sit in deep meditation as the 11 step teaches us I am gifted with deeper understandings to let go entirely my hurts and hang ups of the now passing process in my life.

Merry meet and merry part, all beings and situations that bring me to higher levels of awareness and consiousness.  This is what the program of the twelve steps has gifted me... simple steps to walk up to become a better person.  A less selfish and more community minded person. 

An odd ramble for today....  I blame it on a 60 hour work week and way way too much sugar in my system.

Love to you all, until next week stay clean.

Running to Change

'When the pain  of staying the same becomes greater then the pain of change, surely  you will change or.... die'.   That is a saying that has stuck like a popcorn seed in my teeth for years.  It was the reading last night in my  meeting.  I shared  passionately about it.

Have I not always loved change?  Have I not always been the one that will spew about how life is boring and mundane without the shake up of change?  Have I not worked in careers that promote and practice change? Have I not went through some pretty intense transformations?   So why then is the kernel of that saying  stuck in my damn teeth??

Do I really accept real change in my life or am I just containing my chaos to a little box thats comfortable for me?  Do I allow only the kind of change that I am comfortable and used to into my world, masked as courageous steps?  I move geographically often, is that not change?  I start new jobs on a clockwork pattern of  every six months to a year, is that not embracing change?  I make new circles of friends at the same rate of job changes and city moves?  Are these not all changes?

Or Am I just running??

 Is that kind of change what I am used to and have actually built my life upon?   It is not change for me, it has been my normal life existence.  I have been living under the illusion of change when in reality I have been running fast and furious away from every thing good for me.

Security. Stability. Growth. Inner healing. Friendships. Career. Life.

Thats the popcorn seed right there.  I am a runner not an embracer of change.  And now the pain of that running is getting harder to cope with as I work deeper into a program of recovery.  My recent complacency and emotional slip has left me a bit bruised and it hurts like a mother fucker.  Self induced pain like a hangover is no longer welcomed or tolerated in my world any more.  I cannot function from that place any longer because I no longer vibrate from that frequency any more.

I am making some huge changes in my thinking these days and I am taking some steps I have never taken before.  Where I used to hide I am no longer going there.  Although I did recently, but I am desperately holding dear to my Goddess for strength and support as I peel away a layer that no longer serves me.  Its pretty painful but I know when the scab is removed I will begin to start a new journey in my life that will be walking into unknown.

Like the black panther I am embarking on a journey away from my own shadowy past into the brilliant light of my future and for the first time in my life, I will not run from it.  The pain of running is too great, so today I continue to change and ignore the fear that lurks all around me.

Spiritual Grounding...A Flight Risk??

Keeping Balance.

That has been a tough concept to bare in mind these past few weeks.  I was reminded many times over those days of the movie 'Eat,Pray, Love'.  There is a scene in that movie where the guru explains to the main character that getting knocked off balance is a part of understanding balance, its an acceptable process of learning and life.

I struggled hard with that life lesson these past weeks.

I love meditation in my life.  Every night I spend 30-60 minutes in my meditation room going through a guided visual meditation.  Each night I choose a new adventure and enjoy greatly the places I journey in my mind.  I pray and play in my God box after the mediation and connect deeply with my higher self.  I love my evenings spent this way doing my tenth step.

Every morning I begin my day with 15 minutes of chakra balancing and grounding/centering.  This starts my day on a balanced note of calm and serenity.  I love my morning practice.

I have been unable to do either these past three weeks.   No excuses.  Every time I tried to go into meditation in the evening I was asleep before the first word whispered out of the speakers of my boombox.  I would shake things up and cut  out the meditation only to zone out during the readings from my God Box.  I felt as if I was insulting my Higher God so I could not proceed.  Even just reading through my tenth step questions proved daunting as by the second word in the first question I would already be asleep.  In the mornings my mind would not cease the chatter, the meditation would be long since over and my mind would still be lost deep in thought of my new jobs day in action.

My whole practice of connecting to my higher power has been a futile venture this past while and it was a bothersome situation for me.   I have grown to cherish my moments with my higher self, look forward to them and come away with such incredible feelings and insight.  I hated not having those moments.

|I could hear warnings of the program in my mind..... anything you put before your recovery you will lose.....  Everyday do something 12 step related or your addict will thrive.....   I was just too damn tired to do any step work, read any literature or even phone a single soul to connect.  No matter how hard I tried I just did not have the energy to extend in that direction.

Today as life begins to settle down again I am seeing the larger picture of my past few weeks.  They don't say hindsight is 20/20 for nothing.

 All the time before starting this job spent in deep ritualistic meditation paved the way for me to make a solid connection with my higher self.  That connection is very solid and very true.  It is a connection that cannot now be easily broken.  Three weeks of changed focus did not abandon my God.   She was holding my hand the entire way.

 I can feel her deep within me every moment now, I don't need the allotted set aside time to recognize the feelings and thoughts that are hers. I realize today I don't need to talk to her everyday to know she is there and in communication with me any more.  I don't need to spend copious amounts of time in ritual invoking her energy so I can understand and feel her love for me.  I no longer need to dive so deeply into the roots of mother earth to know I am always connected and grounded in her nurturing.   This is what all that energy focussed in meditation gave me.  Infancy grown into adolescence.

I am testing my knowledge now.  I am taking what my higher self has taught me over the past few months and I am applying it in the real world.  I am gaining understanding through experience of her teachings.  I am exactly where I need to be on my journey.... I am living life not hiding under the cloak of my God.  I am a teenager eager for experience.

My knock off balance has been nothing more then a mother bird pushing her baby out of the nest to teach them to fly.   What I was so worried about, losing my routine and stability, has actually proved to be one of the most exciting practices of losing the ground beneath my feet.  Why is it that we need something solid to stand upon to feel like we are building a foundation?  Birds are one of the oldest known creatures on the planet and they spend most of their lives in the sky.  Fish were here before anything and they swim freely with nothing beneath their feet.

I put way to much stock into my grounded foundation that I couldn't see the possibilities of flying to the heavens or swimming with the mermaids.  Staying grounded always keeps you forever the baby bird unable to leave momma's safety, always shrouded by Gods cloak... forever the infant.   I see now how I have spent the last 38 years as an infant afraid of the ocean.  Afraid to open my wings and dive off the tree into the freedom of the air.

I realize today..... it's high time I grow up.

Have you changed in the last year?

Todays topic is about keeping notes of where you are at today in recovery.


When the meditation from your fellowships literature refers you to a page to read, do you go read it?  Or the IP pamphlet?   I never do.   To be totally honest I still have yet to fully read the blue book.   I have read different parts of it during my recovery, but never the full book cover to cover.    I am working through the living clean book, which is good but again I lose focus and put it down before I really get anywhere.    I enjoy the pamphlets, they are a shorter read and pack more of a punch for me.  Not sure why this is, as I am an avid reader and always have a book on the go.   But I digress within the first few lines of the post.....

I don't really want to share on this reading today.   If you have read it I am sure you can agree that being asked to share at a meeting puts you into that 'gulp' mode and if your seasoned at it your the one that is cracking everyone up with your tales of recovery.   What more can I truly add to that?

So instead I am far more amused at my own notes in the margin of the book that just began today.   Looks like last year at this time I got pretty involved with my recovery and this daily meditation book.   I made a not to myself to share from the heart, not about what I think people want to hear.  Which oddly enough I just began practising recently.    It takes this old dog a hell of a long time to get a lesson sometimes.

The deeper resonating with my notes in the margins that lead all the way into the June is my pattern of recovery.    As I sat with this meditation today I was reminded about how it seams every march is my get clean month, my treatment month or the month I am making big changes in my life.    It being spring my goddess loving spirituality tells me that this is the time of new beginnings and fresh energy.   So for me it's very easy to go with the flow of Mother Nature and work with the energies made available to me.    This is not the popping awareness however.

The fact I am loaded and a mess by the end of summer each year is the brain splitting truth that I truly want to share about today.   I see the pattern of bursts of recovery only to be followed by crashes of relapse.   I go hard only to hit a wall.    This pattern has been so painful and hurt so many of my loved ones that something has to change.

As I read my notes I feel like they are blaring warning signs of what not to do this time around.   I am grateful that I left myself little tidbits of information about where I was at last year this time.   I am instantly reassured that this year I am in a much different place.   I no longer share in meetings for other people's benefit.   I share to get guidance and perspective on my own life.... I share from a place of humility not ego.   That alone is very different then last year.

Being aware of my summer falls is the first step in taking action not to allow it to happen again.   I will up my connections within the fellowship.  I will up my self care routines.  I will attend a few more meetings when things get uncomfortable for me.  I will reach out.  I will be of service.    I will not allow the sun and fun to be my excuse to isolate and become to busy to put my recovery first.   I have learned the hard way that anything I put before my recover... Before my well being..... I lose.

Where are you at today?  Have you grown since last year?  Have you slipped backwards..... more challenges and less serenity suggests this path.  If we are not moving forwards we are moving backwards.  Keep on Swimming Dory.