Movin' On Up!!

Eat, sleep, work, repeat.  Eat, sleep, work, repeat.

My oldest daughter introduced me to a techno song that used the word Rave instead of work.  As I grow up, I have lost the fun word of Rave and replaced it with work.  No wonder I have huge outbreaks of drug frenzies in my world.   Eat, sleep, work, repeat.... is a bundle of fun!!

I am integrating back into work after being off for four months due to an energy burn out resulting in a drug relapse.  The transition back into work has been a challenging one.  Challenging in ways I never anticipated.

I knew my body was going to revolt.  No physical exercise for four months.  I am a landscaper!  Ya, my body has loved me, but has used up the majority of the energy I am creating.  That I was prepared for.  My plan of action in preparation for this situation was to sleep, sleep and more sleep.

My counselor stomped on this plan recently.  I see why only after a bit of a hate on for her and my own stomping of the feet in protest.  Such an infantile I am when my plans are thwarted.

Eat, sleep, work ,repeat, regardless of the situation is detrimental to ones health.  Apparently, we do not charge ourselves through sleep.  I struggle with this notion and so as per my normal way to learn and understand I write stuff out.

See to me sleep is when our body recharges and our spirits connect back into the universal grid.  To sleep is to go home for me.  I believed that all my charging was coming from that place of sleep.  Yet looking back over my epic burnout of '014, I see that was what I was doing then.  Eat, sleep, work, repeat.

I had no time for friends, no time for fellowship, no time to build on my passions, my hobbies.  No time for romance, for family, or for myself.  Twelve hour physical days and twelve hours deep sleep.

 It wasn't until the end.  I realized I had completely drained my energy tank.  I jumped into a pallet bed project and opened myself up wide to a lover hoping to begin a desperate process of energy recovery.  But I was too late.

Today moving back into the work force I am being triggered terribly by those final days of burnout.  I am working the same route of residential maintenance as I was then.  I am as tired as I was then.  Yet, Its a different tired and I am doing a different job on the route so its not entirely the same.... and I am coming back instead of going down.

Similar to how people react to spring and fall.  I am excited for growth, I have already went through the dying off phase.

Leaning heavily on where I once was, I need to dig into the things that charge me up and move me forward.  Sleep is a huge deal as I move back into a physical job, but eight hours a night is enough.  Instead of adding more sleep if I need it, I am actually trying something new.... and cutting back on what I am doing at work that is exhausting me.  What a novel concept.  Less exhausting work, taking care of my health equals more time in the day for me.  Huh, who woulda thought?

So....

I have asked for a promotion.

 Instead of doing the full manual labor list my boss has for the maintenance department of his landscaping company I have asked to run it.  After a huge proposal and a two hour presentation to my boss and the HR manager.   I have been given the title of Residential and Commercial maintenance manager.  Yay!!  I wont be using my body and exhausting myself as much, I will be using my mind, which I have learned is something that charges me up.

Eat, sleep, work, repeat.   Now I am loving my work again.  Its like raving for me, it charges me up and makes me happy.  When I am charged up and happy I have a tonne of energy for other things in my life.  Like family and friends.  Lovers and fellowship.  Hobbies and passions.  All of these things charge me up even more.

There was a time within the last two years that I only needed six hours sleep and had so much love and energy flowing from me that I couldn't contain it.  I was sharing it with everyone.  A hard lesson learned on that one..... energy vampires will find you and drain you if your not careful.  But that is a blog for another day, actually I think I have a few of them written already.  Still leaning heavily on recent past experience I have a better warning system and an understanding of what it means to be vulnerable and what it is to be open.  But let me not digress.

Eat, sleep, work, repeat.   My boss has invited me to hold a chair in his business chapter.  Its a huge networking group of professionals and business owners in the city I live in.  I was thrilled to be asked, as this introduces me to a whole new set of contacts and people.  One thing I have learned in my years on this planet called Earth is that growth comes through the people you are connected with.

 To continually grow is to be always moving into new circles of people.  This is a new chapter of my life opening up and I cannot even begin to describe how excited and freaked out I am to move into the arena.  New energy, new interests, new people, new responsibility, new income level.... yup it is time to recreate myself a new!

Eat, sleep, work it cause your worth it, repeat!!

AFGE!! Another F@$*ing Growth Expereince!!

"With the power of God that I AM, today I choose peace. 

With the power of God that I Am, today I choose love 

With the power of God that I AM, today I choose to be happy and to be be united with all life,

May all beings be happy.  May all beings be peace.   AMEN" 

 

Yesterday during my morning ritual of prayer and meditation I asked Spirit to help me learn the process of letting go.  I am tired of getting caught in the spinning cycle of holding on to my hurts and letting them fester, creating wounds beyond mending.  My prayers were answered.

One of the things I have learned through this program and through trying many other spiritual paths before coming to NA is that connection to spirit is not enough to gain complete inner healing.  Even walking through spirits lessons is not a full process.  We need to do our part in the healing, we need to do the 'work'.

In the past programs I was involved in the 'work' was learning how to pray.  Learning how to meditate.  Learning ritual, learning about props to aid in spiritual connection.  Learning through meditation how to clear problems.  All of the tools I was given were of a mental capacity.  For the mentally healthy person these are all great as that person has a foundation for which to already stand.  For an addict with a mentally unstable foundation I had to go back a bit further.

The twelve steps have taught me a very very basic fundamental tool that so easily gets overlooked by me when I get stuck in a process.   Pen to Paper.   Three simple words to release me from the bondage of suffering when I cannot let go.  I will write it again,  Pen to Paper.   How strange is it for me who loves to write and understands deeply the therapeutic value of it, to miss the simple act of picking up a blue ball point pen and a piece of loose leaf paper??

Blogging is a wonderfully creative tool for me to discover things about myself in a meeting like public fashion.  However there are layers of myself that I cannot share in this fashion as they are not meant to be exposed to the world.  The wounds to sensitive for that much air, the risk of infection to great.   Good ol' fashion pen to paper and cauldron to burn it after sharing with my sponsor.  That is how I let go.  It's how I have always learned to let go.  Why does it escape my memory when I am knee deep in my own shit again?

I have the thickest skull with the slowest rate of learning on the face of this planet I am sure.  Constant repetition and at least three major go rounds before I learn a lesson.   Well this is go round number three so this is it for hashing this shit up.  

So today on my agenda after a pretty emotionally intense day yesterday for me, is a quiet day at home working my steps and writing out a few full length hurt process's.   A good release will come from that and tonight I will reward myself with a girly sleep over with my best friend of ten years.  No matter how much I cycle, no matter how far in the pits of hell I fall or how bright my light gets, she loves me.... that will comfort me after a day of open rawness.

Learning how to book end my 'work', is what keeps me sane and enjoying the journey of recovery.  Whenever I plan to do some deep painful inner work, I always do something fun and self care like before I start and then again when I am done.  My last sponsor taught me this and it has become a valuable tool for me.  I have let my current sponsor know that I am doing some scab pulling today and she is on stand by.  

 It's not an easy path we choose to recover our true worth, but it is a rewarding one...... when you work it.

Work it cause your Worth it!!