Sunday, June 16, 2013
Running to Change
Have I not always loved change? Have I not always been the one that will spew about how life is boring and mundane without the shake up of change? Have I not worked in careers that promote and practice change? Have I not went through some pretty intense transformations? So why then is the kernel of that saying stuck in my damn teeth??
Do I really accept real change in my life or am I just containing my chaos to a little box thats comfortable for me? Do I allow only the kind of change that I am comfortable and used to into my world, masked as courageous steps? I move geographically often, is that not change? I start new jobs on a clockwork pattern of every six months to a year, is that not embracing change? I make new circles of friends at the same rate of job changes and city moves? Are these not all changes?
Or Am I just running??
Is that kind of change what I am used to and have actually built my life upon? It is not change for me, it has been my normal life existence. I have been living under the illusion of change when in reality I have been running fast and furious away from every thing good for me.
Security. Stability. Growth. Inner healing. Friendships. Career. Life.
Thats the popcorn seed right there. I am a runner not an embracer of change. And now the pain of that running is getting harder to cope with as I work deeper into a program of recovery. My recent complacency and emotional slip has left me a bit bruised and it hurts like a mother fucker. Self induced pain like a hangover is no longer welcomed or tolerated in my world any more. I cannot function from that place any longer because I no longer vibrate from that frequency any more.
I am making some huge changes in my thinking these days and I am taking some steps I have never taken before. Where I used to hide I am no longer going there. Although I did recently, but I am desperately holding dear to my Goddess for strength and support as I peel away a layer that no longer serves me. Its pretty painful but I know when the scab is removed I will begin to start a new journey in my life that will be walking into unknown.
Like the black panther I am embarking on a journey away from my own shadowy past into the brilliant light of my future and for the first time in my life, I will not run from it. The pain of running is too great, so today I continue to change and ignore the fear that lurks all around me.