Sunday, June 16, 2013

Running to Change

'When the pain  of staying the same becomes greater then the pain of change, surely  you will change or.... die'.   That is a saying that has stuck like a popcorn seed in my teeth for years.  It was the reading last night in my  meeting.  I shared  passionately about it.

Have I not always loved change?  Have I not always been the one that will spew about how life is boring and mundane without the shake up of change?  Have I not worked in careers that promote and practice change? Have I not went through some pretty intense transformations?   So why then is the kernel of that saying  stuck in my damn teeth??

Do I really accept real change in my life or am I just containing my chaos to a little box thats comfortable for me?  Do I allow only the kind of change that I am comfortable and used to into my world, masked as courageous steps?  I move geographically often, is that not change?  I start new jobs on a clockwork pattern of  every six months to a year, is that not embracing change?  I make new circles of friends at the same rate of job changes and city moves?  Are these not all changes?

Or Am I just running??

 Is that kind of change what I am used to and have actually built my life upon?   It is not change for me, it has been my normal life existence.  I have been living under the illusion of change when in reality I have been running fast and furious away from every thing good for me.

Security. Stability. Growth. Inner healing. Friendships. Career. Life.

Thats the popcorn seed right there.  I am a runner not an embracer of change.  And now the pain of that running is getting harder to cope with as I work deeper into a program of recovery.  My recent complacency and emotional slip has left me a bit bruised and it hurts like a mother fucker.  Self induced pain like a hangover is no longer welcomed or tolerated in my world any more.  I cannot function from that place any longer because I no longer vibrate from that frequency any more.

I am making some huge changes in my thinking these days and I am taking some steps I have never taken before.  Where I used to hide I am no longer going there.  Although I did recently, but I am desperately holding dear to my Goddess for strength and support as I peel away a layer that no longer serves me.  Its pretty painful but I know when the scab is removed I will begin to start a new journey in my life that will be walking into unknown.

Like the black panther I am embarking on a journey away from my own shadowy past into the brilliant light of my future and for the first time in my life, I will not run from it.  The pain of running is too great, so today I continue to change and ignore the fear that lurks all around me.

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