Saturday, June 15, 2013

Beautifully Broken Fantasy


Do I live in a fantasy world??  I was presented with this idea at dinner with a few women the other night.  As one women shared her experience of creating these fantasy scenarios in her mind about what her love relationships should be, yet never acknowledging the reality of them in actuality, I found myself questioning my own fantastical mind.  Do I create a reality that does not exist??

My whole spiritual plight for the past ten years has been about manifesting my own reality.  I am fully aware and am an expert at creating my desires in my reality. Or am I?  Is this the illusion I live under in my fantasy world?   The program teaches me to live on lifes terms, yet I still believe I can manipulate the universe to get what I want.  And for the most part  thats a pretty accepted concept.  I think my deeper question is, whats my reality and whats my higher powers reality??

Is my reality Fantasy?  Do I keep getting into romantic situations thinking they will become something that they never can be?  Or do I say one thing and actually mean another?  Do I see my partner as something that he isn't yet but has the potential in becoming?  Owe.... that one hurt.  Yes I do  see them changing because of me.  Not that I want to change anyone, but I do feel like I will make a difference in their lives.  I want to feel important to the other person.  Is that where my fantasy begins?  I see the potential and live from that place instead of the reality of where they truly are?

What about other area's of my life?  Do I live in an alternate fantasy there too?  Have I ever been down to earth and just accepted life the way it is?  I am beginning to think not. My ex husband kept the household grounded, I was always off on some quest.   Maybe my childhood scarred me so much that I went into a safe place of make believe and have been stuck there ever since.  That  thought kinda makes me sad for me.  However it also makes a truck load of sense as well.

I have been saying for days how broken I am.  Even though its a negative term, I really do feel like some  pretty deeply damaged goods.  Not that I cannot be fixed, but its never an easy realization to see how fucked up you still are.  Remove the numbing out drugs and the distracting boys that tell you your great and your left with the broken little girl that needs some serious TLC.  And not from another cute boy.

Humpty was put back together again, I know I can be too.  But the only way to restore myself to sanity is to tap into that higher power and begin to live from that reality instead of the one I continually create for myself.  Its scary to begin to step out of the cushion of make believe into the reality of brilliant light, it blinds my eyes. My dreams and nightmares in the dark have kept me company for over thirty years.  I am comfortable there.

I meet all these single older women that tell me they enjoy and prefer to be single.  I don't want to be one of those women.  I want to have a man in my life one day... a healthy man and a healthy romance.  Once my fantasy pops will all my dreams and hopes go out the window too?  Will I just be living day to day, in the normalcy of  life with no more excitement my fantasies afford me?

Its not like these women are unhappy.  They are so serene and beautiful.  They reassure me its well worth the work.  Yet I cry just a little bit about giving up my illusion that one day my knight in shining armour will swoop in on his white horse and whisk me off into a fairy land of constant love and lust.  I don't want to grow up.  I don't want to give up the fairytale my life has been.

Even with the chaos of realization when my illusions are shattered seem more bearable then a life without the illusion in the first place.  I guess change is always scary and stepping out of ones insanity is an intense process.  I have already rocked the boulder at the top of the hill.... nothing to do now but  let it roll.

Oh this is gonna hurt I just know it.  Good-bye fantasy world,  hello........ REALITY?

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