How has the disease of addiction been manifesting itself in my life today?? This is one of the first questions in Step One. The first time working the Step I was put off by this question. How else would it be working, I couldn't quit dope... duh. What a stupid question I thought. Now upon the third time answering it I see how brilliantly layered the Steps are. No matter how many times you work them you get something new out of them each time.
I vowed loudly in my excitement upon finishing the entire set of steps the first time that I would never do them again! Once was enough. .... And more will be revealed....., was apparently lost on me then.
So how is my addiction manifesting itself in my life today?? First defining what addiction is for me is key to understanding if I am in its grips or not. Addiction is when my thoughts become obsessive and my actions compulsive to those obsessive thoughts.
My brain is such a tricky place to manoeuvre. The past couple months have put some serious pressure on my program. At first I allowed myself the grace of a new job and big changes in my life, but that grace quickly turned to complacency. With that came my Lower Self the lovely Lady Vixen, as my beautiful Higher Power got pushed to the side forced to watch my decent back into a suffering mind.
Upon working the first three steps yesterday I have learned a great deal about the way my mind works and how this disease effects me personally. I had been working the steps previously but got caught up in step four as seems to be the pattern for me each time I work the steps. I had started them originally, specifically for a guy I was struggling to let go of. I restarted them yesterday and broadened them to all romantic relationships, because it turns out I cannot be without one for long in my life.
Now its not the romantic relationship that's the problem for me, or the guy involved in it, these are new understandings. Its the obsessive thoughts about that person that are the problem. My disease cannot just go with the flow in this area and allow something to just progress naturally in whatever direction it is meant to go. No my addict needs to control and manipulate it to fit into a safe little box that I have full control over at every little moment. The obsession is all invasive in my mind, reaching out like deadly climbing vines towards the object, penetrating every area of their lives. The insatiable need to know exactly what, where and with whom they are sucks the life force out of my own life
This is where the compulsion steers me off track of my life. I begin to make decisions based on this obsession. I slowly begin to cut out things that will interfere with my thoughts, the time away from my thoughts as well as opposing opinions to my thoughts. I begin to slowly move away from my goals redirecting myself towards the object of my obsession. I start to lose the sense of myself and assume a sense of them. Its a horribly scary process that I have endured one too many times in my life.
Why did I open the door in the first place if I new this was a pattern?? Complacency told me that I could just play and not let it go beyond that. Complacency told me that I could just be friends... something I desperately want to learn to be with the opposite sex. Lady Vixen told me it would all work out well, she painted a beautiful fantasy that was just to enticing to ignore.
I caught myself before I lost complete dignity and entirely stepped out of my integrity.
I made a decision last night to turn it back over to my higher self and to cut off my lower selves obsession. I have to take that first step and then my Higher Power will take the next one for me. So I stepped up and asked the object of obsession to step away from me. I did it quickly before I changed my mind. Luckily I picked a better obsession today and it was an easy graceful situation with no confrontation. For that I am entirely grateful.
Working the first three steps shed some brilliant light on my patterns which I was already aware of but thought I had already overcome.... turns out I have not. I redefined my higher power and recommitted myself to standing in my truth and integrity again. I do not have enough time or energy right now for anything remotely romantic, sexual or even friendly with a male. My focus needs to be upon my career and raising my beautiful daughter. That is all I have energy for in my life after recovery.
My reservation is that I will dry up and become an old bitter lady. I was shown in meditation last night that I will find love again one day. After my career and my daughter are fully stable and have a strong foundation.... that takes time and work. So for the first time in .... ever, I truly feel the obsession to be with a guy lifting and my heart coming alive again to all the possibilities my life has in store for me. I tend to forget hooking up with a guy is the definition of insanity for me..... been there done that..... but living single and exploring new things on my own.... now thats trying something so different!!