Who Am I, Without You?

Dependence or Inter-dependence.  Attachments or Freedom.

I used to think I had a good understanding of those two concepts.  I think I was wrong.

Man, It has been a long month since I was last here writing.  Work and my psychiatrist have been running these personality tests on me lately.  The doctor for medical mental reasons.... which it turns out I am not crazy after all.  Work because we have a new HR manager who is wildly into matching team members up with their best suited position and colleagues.

I think my HR manager is brilliant.  I have learned that writing is one of my main sources of creative outlet.  The way I think about the world is apparently rare, making up only one percent of the population.  I share the same personality as Mother Thersa, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King. And I took the test three times, twice out of the three were this personality.   I think that's cool.

So now with that knowledge, of writing being such a force of healing for me I know why I always sit here aghast when I write for the first time in weeks, even months.

 Its been a tough month.... a real tough month.  The fourth month of my sobriety and the last month off before going back to work after again four months off and Christmas in the month.  Yes a super tough month it was.  And yet instead of coming here to write out my trials,   I go into hiding until I have tribulations to note instead.  Again another personality trait I discovered from a few different personality tests as of late, I withdraw when I am overwhelmed.

Isolation or healthy withdrawal.  Maybe that should be a secondary topic.  In recovery they warn deeply against isolation.  I get that.  When I spend to much time alone I get really down on myself and end up relapsing because today I am still my own worst enemy.  Yet healthy withdrawal as an introvert is definitely needed to recharge my batteries.  I run away from recovery when I spend too much time in the rooms with highly chaotic people, as we all are if we have landed our asses in narcotics anonymous.  But too much chaos sends me over the deep end and the main reason I use...to bring myself back into balance.  Which of course never works.

(Ugh my key board just revolted. Creating e's instead of question marks and then my shift button stuck on.     Probably because of  the lack of use in the past month.  I have just spent ten minutes trying to fix it and now have lost my mojo groove....  So apologies if this is now broken and disjointed.  where was I?)

Oh ya, tough month.

After three months of being off work I was ready to go back.  I think three months was the magical number my mind allowed me to be unattached from my addiction of working.  I really began to back slide in this fourth month where my self worth was concerned.  I began questioning who I was without work.  I found myself trying out other hats coming to understand just how much of a workaholic I had become in my first full year of sobriety.  If maybe I caught that at the beginning of my relapse last January I would have saved myself some much heart ache and a drained bank account....

Hindsight is twenty twenty and the part of life that I truly do love, trial and error. Experience.

But let me not digress.  Knowing I was slipping into the dark again without drugs and now work to fill that void within me, I jumped into cooking and caring for my two daughters still living with me.  I was baking every day(from a box, but don't judge that still huge for this TV dinner kinda girl).  I was making my girls lunches, a first in pretty much their whole lives.  I was doing their laundry, keeping the house clean and listening to their life issues and providing guidance.  That last part I loved.  Actually all of it I enjoyed doing, just my waist line was the one with the problem, too much taste testing.


So half of the month was inspiring.  I was trying new things and placing my focus where it mattered.  It felt good.  But then the girls went to their fathers for Christmas and I was left alone for a week.

I never knew just how long a week could feel.  Like an entire life time rolled into those seven days.

I was a mess.  Truly.  I felt like one of those old kid toy tops flicked out of its spin. This poor weeble wanted to fall down.   I was launched deep into a pit of,  who the fuck am I..... and ....the only answer i could come up with was, No One.

So Sad.

Dependence.  Take away the dependence on substances to get you through and then what?  Work became my substance to keep me afloat.  Take away work and then what?  My daughters became and truly always have been what kept me afloat, but take them away and then what?  My friends became my floating devices, but it was Christmas and they had things to do to.

When I was alone with just me.... omg.  I was a nightmare.

I am on Step Two.   Which is... We came to believe in a power greater then ourselves to restore us to sanity.

Not once did I reach out to my higher power in this time.  I am still mad at her for letting me fall into relapse this past time.  I am still pissed off at her for not giving me what I believe I had worked so hard for and deserved.  I am having a hard time coming to believe.  Because I am having a hard time letting go of my attachments.

What I learned most about myself in this past month is that as long as I am filling the void with outer things like drugs, work, parenting I can not fully receive my true self.   Which comes through as my higher power.   But, and this is a big but.... I also know that sitting in a dark room removed from these things(well okay not the drugs they are just wrong no matter how you cut it) is not beneficial either.

I guess then what it comes down to is balance??

 I hate that word, its like perfection. Its Illusive.  I need people to live a thriving life but how do I become inter-dependent and not dependent.  I need work, I love work.  I have worked the past two days and feel so amazing I cant even describe it, but how do I not let myself become a workaholic again?  My girls are back and even my son was here this past week and I loved being mommy again, but how do I do that from a loving detached place?

Having my eyes opened wide to the fact I am so attached to certain things in my life was terribly scary.  Truly I was a mess this month.  I go into hiding when I become a mess like that.

 I did better then before though as my close supports knew what was going on.  I even cried in front of other people.... alot.  Which was weird, not a norm for me I can tell you that.  I am definitely letting more people in during my rough moods as well as my good moods  which is new for me.

Life is growth, learning hard truths about ones self is part of that growth.  I think its part of breaking the seed shell or pushing through the earth.   This past month was a definite breaking the shell kinda months.  Learning that I like to leech unto the things that will give me balance instead of seeking that balance in my own right was huge.  Gross and nasty, uncomfortable and heartbreaking but needed in order to continue to grow and move forward.

Learning who I am without those attachments is now the journey I will embark on.   Kinda scary, kinda exciting.  I am always on about how great experience is, I always tend to forget the tough stuff one needs to process through before the lesson is learned.  I hated this lesson.  I am eager to move on.

Question.

If you removed yourself from all your labels and took off all the hats you wear, would you be able to answer,  Who am I?

Not that I wanna send you on a painful journey of self discovery, but knowing one is not alone is huge in moving through healing with a little bit more grace.  Together we can do what we could not do alone.......

Coming to Believe

Be Still and know that I am God.   That has been my new mantra when my mind starts to go into overdrive. I have to say its working very well.  It helps me bring myself back to my inner light and reminds me that I have control over only one thing... and thats my mind.   When I say 'Be still' now my mind stops the ridiculous thought process it was in  and settles for a moment, sometimes longer if I am lucky.

But that is not what I want to talk about here.  I spent some time in contemplation at work today about all the ways I try to get out of my feelings.  I thought about how hard it is for me to even identify my feelings when they are occurring because I am so proficient in getting out of them before they escalate into anything.  I also thought about how my mind works in over drive when intense feelings come up.

When i am having a feeling my mind is all over that feeling convincing me of something that its not.  Is like my brain hates my heart.

 Today my day started out wonderfully, but as the day progressed and it got hotter I got more tired.  Not cranky or anything just tired.  Slowly my thinking turned stinking, like a cancer spreading through my happiness.   I found I was blaming my misery on people in my life.  No one was texting me and that was the focus of my mind  for a solid hour or so before I had to become still again and know that God would text me if he had an Iphone.   How ridiculous is that?    How quickly my mind moves my attention outside myself and the immediate feeling of being tired.

I had an epiphany a few months ago when I was just beginning to get comfortable with being single.  When a man is in my life he takes me out of my feelings.  Just knowing  I will see him later or talk to him later was enough to help me over whatever crap feeling I was experiencing.  I learned this when I was going through some tough stuff at work and having to actually deal with it because I couldn't get out of the feelings until I did. When I have a hearty distraction in my life I don't have to deal with the feelings that come up and are wanting my attention, because my attention is already in single focus elsewhere.

Todays feeling was mild tired, but can you imagine what my mind does with extreme overwhelm?  I talk myself into a disappearing act and split.  The constant runner that I am will have me turning tail and heading for the hills if I dont have a distraction to keep me grounded where I am.

..... Re reading that last paragraph seems to have a contradiction in it.  A distraction to keep me ground and a distraction to take me out of my feelings?  Which is it?  Is there a time and place for a distraction in ones life?  Are we meant to feel every feeling or can we get some relief from minor distractions?  Are there healthy distractions?

My distractions in the past have all been pretty unhealthy.... drugs, sex, romantic relationships, food....  So what do I turn to now?  I still eat a tub of ice cream when I am feeling yucky, and still do find the cute boys irresistible.... is that detrimental to my recovery?  Maybe.

I think that whatt I need to be looking for here is focus nd not distraction.  I need to find a happy focus that is healthy for me and stick to that focus through any negative feelingss that come up.  Finding that focus maybe is where I should be putting my attention. Work has settled now, although I  am looking at he journeyman program so could this be a deeper focus for me?  Have I not taken my focus far enough?

Realizing I am tired and is nobody's fault was pretty cool for me.  Planning a relaxing might in to recoup has settled this poor  old brain of mine.  She really does work out hard, but as I go deeper into my meditative practices I find she is getting some peace and I am experiencing some serenity as a result.

I am in love with my life again.  I am falling inlove with myself again.  It is a constant ebb and flow process of coming to believe..... in ME.

How is the Disease of Addiction Manifesting itself in my Life Today??

How has the disease of addiction been manifesting itself in my life today??  This is one of the first questions in Step One.   The first time working the Step I was put off by this question.  How else would it be working, I couldn't quit dope... duh.  What a stupid question I thought.  Now upon the third time answering it I see how brilliantly layered the Steps are.  No matter how many times you work them you get something new out of them each time.

I vowed loudly in my excitement upon finishing the entire set of steps the first time that I would never do them again!  Once was enough.  .... And more will be revealed....., was apparently lost on me then.

So how is my addiction manifesting itself in my life today??  First defining what addiction is for me is key to understanding if I am in its grips or not.  Addiction is when my thoughts become obsessive and my actions compulsive to those obsessive thoughts.

My brain is such a tricky place to manoeuvre.  The past couple months have put some serious pressure on my program. At first I allowed myself the grace of a new job and big changes in my life, but that grace quickly turned to complacency.  With that came my Lower Self the lovely Lady Vixen,  as my beautiful Higher Power got pushed to the side forced to watch my decent back into a suffering mind.

Upon working the first three steps yesterday I have learned a great deal about the way my mind works and how this disease effects me personally.  I had been working the steps previously but got caught up in step four as seems to be the pattern for  me each time I work the steps.  I had started them originally, specifically for a guy I was struggling to let go of. I restarted them yesterday and broadened them to all romantic relationships, because it turns  out I cannot be without one for long in my life.

Now its not  the romantic relationship that's the problem for me, or the guy involved in it, these are new understandings.  Its the obsessive thoughts about that person that are the problem.  My disease cannot just go with the flow in this area and allow something to just progress naturally in whatever direction it is meant to go.  No my addict needs to control and manipulate it to fit into a safe little box that I have full control over at every little moment.  The obsession is all invasive in my mind, reaching out like deadly climbing vines towards the object, penetrating every area of their  lives.  The insatiable need to know exactly what, where and with whom they are sucks the life force out of my own life

This is where the compulsion steers me off track of my life.   I begin  to make decisions based on this obsession.  I slowly begin to cut out things that will interfere with my thoughts, the time away from my thoughts  as well as opposing opinions to my thoughts.  I begin to slowly move away from my goals redirecting myself towards the object of my obsession.  I start to lose the sense of myself and assume a sense of them.  Its a horribly scary process that  I have endured one too many times in my life.

Why did I open the door in the first place if I new this was a pattern??  Complacency told me that I could just play and not let it go beyond that.  Complacency told me that I could just be friends... something I desperately want to learn to be with the opposite sex.  Lady Vixen told me it would all work out well, she painted a beautiful fantasy that was just to enticing to ignore.

I caught myself before I lost complete dignity and entirely stepped out of my integrity.

I made a decision last night to turn it back over to my higher self and to cut off my lower selves obsession.  I have to take that first step and then my Higher Power will take the next one for me.  So I stepped up and asked the object of obsession to step away from me. I did it quickly before I changed  my mind.   Luckily I picked a better obsession today and it was an easy graceful situation with no confrontation.  For that I am entirely grateful.

Working the first three steps shed some brilliant light on my patterns which I was already aware of but thought I had already overcome.... turns out I have not.  I redefined my higher power and  recommitted myself to standing in my truth and integrity again.  I do not have enough time or energy right now for anything remotely romantic, sexual or even friendly with a male.  My focus needs to be upon my career and raising my beautiful daughter.  That is all I have energy for in my life after recovery.

My reservation is that I will dry up and become an old bitter lady.  I was shown in meditation last night that I will find love again one day.  After my career and my daughter are fully stable and have a strong foundation.... that takes time and work.  So for the first time in .... ever, I truly feel the obsession to be with a guy lifting and my heart coming alive again to all the possibilities my life has in store for me.  I tend to forget hooking up with a guy is the definition of insanity for me..... been there done that..... but living single and exploring new things on my own.... now thats trying something so different!!

I AM my own higher Power.

 Todays Topic.... How to build a relationship with your Higher Power


 Each and every step is a step in the direction towards the inner God of your own being.   I can say that now and understand it only after working an entire set of steps.   Talk about this while I was on step three and you would have been faced with a much different view from my lips...  My god is an asshole and I want nothing to do with him.   Maybe all my relapses around step four were not just solely the result of fear of that step, but maybe that I was entirely unready to believe there was a god in my life that could save me from myself.

I have come to understand that trust runs so much deeper then just around the physical relationships in my life.   Trust with myself and trust of the god of my understanding.... Which is a goddess btw, was a hard trust to begin to accept.   My trust did not begin to develop until step 11.  Although I begrudgingly became willing at step three... The third time around at least.   Peeling back the layers in the steps between is what help me build my trust in a higher power as well as myself.

I have always been the instant snap your fingers kinda a girl, if what I wanted didn't come to my the moment I thought it, it wasn't worth my time.   How ridiculous I can see this train of thought was now.  As my relationship with my higher power grows I could not imagine my life without the connection to spirit I feel every day.   I do not think I could get through a day without feeling my heart grow big in my chest and my spirit whisper inner knowings to me.   I know that may sound strange and hockey to some, but until you experience it I cannot explain it any better.

I was at a woman's group last night and I was asked to explain what meditation was for me and I found myself passionately speaking about meditation taking me to a place within myself that was more ecstatic then the best orgasm or the highest high I ever had in addiction.   It was only in that moment that I realized the power of the twelve steps.   They give you a greater feeling and better thoughts then you ever had in addiction.   Now that I have achieved this state outside of dope and can call it up at will, why would I ever want to use again??

An inner power resides within each of us, it just takes patience, persistence and courage to tap in and to work with it in all of our affairs.  I encourage you to go within and find yours, be the change you want to see.

Where do You draw POWER from??

... 'We had convinced ourselves that we could make it alone and proceeded to live life on that basis.  The results were disastrous and, in the end, each of us had to admit that self-sufficiency was a lie'.

I fully believe that as humans we are not meant to live a solitary life, we live in communities for a reason.  As addicts we isolate from lack of desire to live and work with others in our community.  For me it was because I was tired of being hurt by people, drugs numbed me and kept me safe from others.  Coming into recovery I struggle with opening up and let others in again.

When I stand in the circle at the end of the meeting I feel like that physical circle is a human shield my fellow addicts and I create against the darkness of drugs and that world that threatens to kill me.  When I am at a meeting I feel like I am in a safe zone.  There is a power in those rooms that keeps the demon in my head quiet while I am there.  I cannot quiet that overwhelming urge to get loaded on my own... I tried, numerous times.

Step 11 is what began to keep me safe outside the rooms.  Steps 2 and 3 helped me to begin to develop the concept of that power greater then myself, however it wasn't until step 11 that I began to really to sit and invite that power into my body.  As I practiced different meditations techniques I began to feel a white light surrounding me.  This became the human shield that the meetings created for me.  I call it running my energy.  I draw down power from the heavens and suck up grounding from the center of the earth.  This keeps me balanced and feeling safe.  Sometimes I even visualize a shield around myself when I am feeling really raw and want no one to hurt me.  This is the power that I cannot muster on my own.

Power greater then myself is not God, it's truly just electrical power that I plug into like a TV cord.  Strangely enough the more often I connect in this way, the more I seem to understand things about Divine Love and the more I want to live in harmony with the people in my community.

So Just for Today I will seek the support of other recovering addicts; harmony with others in my community;and the care of my Higher Power.  I cant, but we can.

Thank you for letting me share, I am a recovering addict named Arial.