Thursday, June 27, 2013
Coming to Believe
But that is not what I want to talk about here. I spent some time in contemplation at work today about all the ways I try to get out of my feelings. I thought about how hard it is for me to even identify my feelings when they are occurring because I am so proficient in getting out of them before they escalate into anything. I also thought about how my mind works in over drive when intense feelings come up.
When i am having a feeling my mind is all over that feeling convincing me of something that its not. Is like my brain hates my heart.
Today my day started out wonderfully, but as the day progressed and it got hotter I got more tired. Not cranky or anything just tired. Slowly my thinking turned stinking, like a cancer spreading through my happiness. I found I was blaming my misery on people in my life. No one was texting me and that was the focus of my mind for a solid hour or so before I had to become still again and know that God would text me if he had an Iphone. How ridiculous is that? How quickly my mind moves my attention outside myself and the immediate feeling of being tired.
I had an epiphany a few months ago when I was just beginning to get comfortable with being single. When a man is in my life he takes me out of my feelings. Just knowing I will see him later or talk to him later was enough to help me over whatever crap feeling I was experiencing. I learned this when I was going through some tough stuff at work and having to actually deal with it because I couldn't get out of the feelings until I did. When I have a hearty distraction in my life I don't have to deal with the feelings that come up and are wanting my attention, because my attention is already in single focus elsewhere.
Todays feeling was mild tired, but can you imagine what my mind does with extreme overwhelm? I talk myself into a disappearing act and split. The constant runner that I am will have me turning tail and heading for the hills if I dont have a distraction to keep me grounded where I am.
..... Re reading that last paragraph seems to have a contradiction in it. A distraction to keep me ground and a distraction to take me out of my feelings? Which is it? Is there a time and place for a distraction in ones life? Are we meant to feel every feeling or can we get some relief from minor distractions? Are there healthy distractions?
My distractions in the past have all been pretty unhealthy.... drugs, sex, romantic relationships, food.... So what do I turn to now? I still eat a tub of ice cream when I am feeling yucky, and still do find the cute boys irresistible.... is that detrimental to my recovery? Maybe.
I think that whatt I need to be looking for here is focus nd not distraction. I need to find a happy focus that is healthy for me and stick to that focus through any negative feelingss that come up. Finding that focus maybe is where I should be putting my attention. Work has settled now, although I am looking at he journeyman program so could this be a deeper focus for me? Have I not taken my focus far enough?
Realizing I am tired and is nobody's fault was pretty cool for me. Planning a relaxing might in to recoup has settled this poor old brain of mine. She really does work out hard, but as I go deeper into my meditative practices I find she is getting some peace and I am experiencing some serenity as a result.
I am in love with my life again. I am falling inlove with myself again. It is a constant ebb and flow process of coming to believe..... in ME.