Monday, June 10, 2013
What are Your Motives?
I am coming to realize that in the past my motives for everything I did were never about me. I lived my life for other people. I was good as a child because if I wasn't my dad would kick my ass. I did what my friends were doing as a teenager. When romantic affairs entered my world it was always about him. Then my kids came along and I became the faceless mom. Always my motives have been for other people.
I am a people pleaser.
To have someone not like me is such an incredibly uncomfortable feeling. One that gets little tolerance from me. I will go out of my way to be liked by all people, even the peeps I dislike. I cannot sleep at night knowing someone harbours ill will towards me.
That of course was until I worked through an entire set of steps. Now I am cured. lol
I still find myself people pleasing but stop myself and ask what my motives are. Am I doing this for them or me? Most of the time its still about them, I find I am struggling to peel away from this pattern of putting others before myself. Such an unhealthy thing to place others well being before your own. Lack of respect actually for thyself.
I am learning to respect myself. I still make mistakes.... plenty.
When I decipher if the motives are truly mine then I must begin the process of identifying myself or Little lady Vixen in the motive mix. Vixens motives are always dark and dangerous. Getting loaded would be her motive. I got asked to go to a rodeo with a friend and motives where in question.....
Half of me see's the 'saving the horse and riding a cowboy' potential there as well as the possibility of slipping a little shot or too past these lips. The other half of me is looking forward to hanging out with a close friend and learning to have fun without the sexing and drugging. People do you know, have good clean fun.
I have been cocooned in recovery cowering in the sand wanting so desperately to get back out there and live yet I am so afraid of any challenges that should come my way that I would rather turn tail and run. But what are my motives?? I just want to live and laugh and socialize with people. Does that mean I have to get loaded?
I work a program. I have a life today that I love so much. My life is better today then it ever was before active addiction. I would not want to lose what I have worked so hard to build. I would lose everything if I let that sweet poison pass my lips. Its not worth it. I can have fun without ruining my life.
My motives today in life are to be happy, live life to the fullest, take healthy risks and laugh till I pee my pants.... Which my daughter made me do tonight btw!
What are your motives? Ask yourself.