Monday, June 10, 2013

What are Your Motives?

What are my motives??  I ask myself this often these days.

I am coming to realize that in the past my motives for everything I did were never about me.  I lived my life for other people.  I was good as a child because if I wasn't my dad would kick my ass.  I did what my friends were doing as a teenager.  When romantic affairs entered my world it was always about him.  Then my kids came along and I became the faceless mom.  Always my motives have been for other people.

I am a people pleaser.

To have someone not like me is such an incredibly uncomfortable feeling.  One that gets little tolerance from me.  I will go out of my way to be liked by all people, even the peeps I dislike.  I cannot sleep at night knowing someone harbours ill will towards me.

That of course was until I worked through an entire set of steps.  Now I am cured.  lol

I still find myself people pleasing but stop myself and ask what my motives are.  Am I doing this for them or me?   Most of the time its still about them, I find I am struggling to peel away from this pattern of putting others before myself.  Such an unhealthy thing to place others well being before your own.  Lack of respect actually for thyself.

I am learning to respect myself.  I still make mistakes.... plenty.

When I decipher if the motives are truly mine then I must begin the process of identifying myself or Little lady Vixen in the motive mix.  Vixens motives are always dark and dangerous.  Getting loaded would be her motive.  I got asked to go to a rodeo with a friend and motives where in question.....

Half of me see's the 'saving the horse and riding a cowboy' potential there as well as the possibility of slipping a little shot or too past these lips.  The other half of me is looking forward to hanging out with a close friend and learning to have fun without the sexing and drugging.  People do you know, have good clean fun.

I have been cocooned in recovery cowering in the sand wanting so desperately to get back out there and live yet I am so afraid of any challenges that should come my way that I would rather turn tail and run.  But what are my motives??  I just want to live and laugh and socialize with people.  Does that mean I have to get loaded?  

I work a program.  I have a life today that I love so much.  My life is better today then it ever was before active addiction.  I would not want to lose what I have worked so hard to build.  I would lose everything if I let that sweet poison pass my lips.  Its not worth it.  I can have fun without ruining my life.

My motives today in life are to be happy, live life to the fullest, take healthy risks and laugh till I pee my pants.... Which my daughter made me do tonight btw!

What are your motives?  Ask yourself.

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