Sunday, June 9, 2013

Heart Racing Serenity


I have been on the search for balance my whole life.  Whether its in the form of moderation for whatever form my addiction is taking at that moment in my life or whether it is trying  to maintain serenity within a chaotic situation.  I am always aware of my balance or lack there of.

I was sharing with a few friends lately this concept and my thoughts and theories about it.  I figured I would bring it here where I gain the most understanding of a topic I am processing through.  I have lost my balance again and strangely enough am enjoying it this time.

While I was cocooned in the rooms of my twelve step fellowship I found a solid balance.  I found my centre.  I was deep and comfortable in serenity and truly believed that I would never be removed from it again.  I prayed, meditated, and connected constantly to my higher self.  Actually all my posts in the beginning of this blog is me at my root center.   Today I feel like I am far from that place of calm and serenity.

I am not in that place of addict craziness where my world is crumbling around me and I just wanna run for the hills and bury my head in the sand.  No those days are behind me.  Not saying they couldn't find me again if I looked over my shoulder and decided to head back there.  No this knock off balance is of a different kind.  Its excitement, busyness and building.

I really thought work would slow down after spring cleanups (landscaping), but it hasn't.  I am still putting in 12 to 13 hour days and working my ass off, which is toning up mighty nicely I must say.  These long hours and focussed thought on my career as a journeyman landscaper has me busting my girl balls but taking away time for my mediation and hence my serenity.

Spending all that time at work leaves few hours for my beautiful daughter, which I spend with when I can.  I make quality out of our time now, instead of the quantity she had before I started work.  Which has been an exciting challenge for me and one that I enjoyed.. although again balance was knocked out in left field for what we had become used too.  She had me all hours of the day, now she gets me only a few a week.  Those few however are spent doing something fun together.

Between my daughter, my house keeping(cleaning and bill paying, grocery shopping) and work, where do I find time for me and my recovery?  Where do I find time for my friends and more?   This is where I am still hard at work trying to find balance.

Self care is a huge area where I find serenity and peace, making time for it has been the toughest challenge, yet the most important one as its the one that will take me back out if neglected to long.  I have been keeping up with my personal care routine which has kept me tethered, but getting time alone for myself to be one in nature has presented the most solid wall of no go.   Having no vehicle has definitely added to this challenge.  I struggle with my original reasons for not having one(cost, environmental concerns, weight gain), thinking maybe my time is more important then those reasons now.

A friend and I went out to a lake for a bit last night and I was amazed at how quickly all my stress seeped into the cool sand beneath my feet as we walked along the beach.  Walking in the lake up to my knee's in water helped me connected and balance.  I found serenity doing something for me in nature.  It was then that I realized getting knocked off balance is part of the journey of life.

We are not meant to find serenity and hold it at all moments.  We are to find our centre and then venture out from there knowing that we can always come back to centre whenever we need to.  I found my center last night in a place I wasn't looking.  I find my peace now in quality moments not quantity ones.  I don't need to stay cocooned in recovery 24/7 to be trudging the happy road of destiny.

Working, playing, mothering, loving, stressing, crying, laughing, romancing are all parts of achieving that overall serenity.  I never realized I even had a center until I was far removed from it.  I couldn't practice gratitude on a daily basis until I found myself out of serenity again.  I find myself tear filled with gratitude when serenity finds me on a road trip where I was not looking for it.

Life is meant to be lived, experienced, enjoyed.  Risks are meant to be taken, your heart wants to beat fast with excitement.  Serenity is not in those moments and I am learning to enjoy those healthy moments of excitement, of pushing myself out of my comfort zone... of growing and thriving.  No longer is my adrenaline induced by dope, its brought on by following my passions and excitements.  Sometimes that means going against the judgement of others.  Testing waters that are familiar but creating a new ripple.   Breaking the patterns, converting fear to love, living life!!

I am off balance and I am loving every minute of it.  I am going with the flow and the river is a wild one  these days.  I do know that at some point I will run into a calm pond and there I will find my center and balance again.  Until then.... whitewater rapids!

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