Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Emotional Maturity is Overrated!

As I come back into my light I am faced with the reality of my personality.  Sometimes living in  my addictive personality is much easier, wearing the rose coloured glasses affords me my little fantasies.  However when I come out of that persona I am always disgusted by the truth the light shines on my creation.

Emotional maturity.    What is that and once I figure that out, how do I achieve it??

I have heard it said in the rooms that when you start using you stunt your emotional growth.  I can clearly see that in many people, but I didn't start really using until my adult years and I have been made very aware lately that I have the emotional maturity of a newt.  lol  To exaggerate my point.... I don't even know what a newt is, I just like saying the word.

Looking at my own life I find myself wondering what extreme trauma does to ones emotional well being.  When a child must go to other places emotionally on a regular basis does that do permanent damage reflected in the adult years?  I have never been able to handle my feelings.  As A teen I drugged them, as an adult I ate and smoked them away.  Recently I was back to drugging them.  It has only been this  past year that I actually began to work through them.

And let me tell ya.... they are Ugly.... with a capital U.    And I don't handle them well.

I find I over react all the time to my feelings, making those mountains out of mole hills.  Sitting in the black or white of them, never able to just be in the  gray with them.  I am all drama or completely removed.  I am a lover or an enemy, never just a friend.  I have to place everything in its little compartment neatly and if it doesn't fit anywhere nicely I discard it completely.  Things must follow a pattern I have laid out or I get very out of sorts.

I am emotionally immature.  Yup there I said it.... the emotional intelligence of a Newt.  I can be smart as fuck in the way of reading people.  I can grasp concepts quickly, my mind is sharp... but this ol heart of mine is fubarred.

I have a heart that was broken before it even had time to grow.... now its all deformed and ill functioning.   Can an old dog learn new tricks?  Its not that I am trying to be negative here, I am just feeling the crunch of my age and the bitterness that it has taken me this long to come to understand just how much life has been wasted repeating the same sick patterns of broken heartedness.

I always referred to the term of broken heart to mean from romantic relationships, but now I see a much larger picture of the heart of Love.   A child who's definition of Love was distorted and made ugly before she even knew what healthy love was.  Thats the definition of a broken heart.  Love is not about the opposite sex as my intellectual brain has been telling me  for years,  Love is about having a heart filled with the capacity to give and receive love of others.  The heart is about being able to feel and express ones feelings in a healthy manner, to accept ones feelings..... to be open to feelings.

The heart is Feelings.  Its more then Love I see now.  The heart is where all my feelings are processed.  My dysfunctional heart, my broken heart has contributed to my emotional immaturity.  Aha, moments dawning!

So how do I grow up emotionally?

 I heal my broken heart?

Holy fuck how do I do that??

That seems scarier then just dealing with an infantile emotional out burst every now and then.  I have been doing well with band-aids and duck tape around the cracks in my ticker.  I am so not going to the doctor just so they can open me up and tinker with my feeling center.   Oh wait, wait wait....... thats what those freaking steps have been doing isn't it.  Sneaky buggers!!!!!

Light bulbs are flashing like the paparazzi chasing a Kardashian......I love writing my shit out.

Damn.  With that I better get back to Step four.  And go figure folks I am just starting the section on feelings.    I guess this is why they say the programs works of you work it.  I feel like I am gonna puke most days again, so something is moving again.  Can't say I miss this feeling but I do know the results of last time were mind blowing for me.  So here is too the roller coaster ride we love to hate.

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