Wednesday, June 26, 2013
I am at said fork. It has been suggested to me lately by two separate people that maybe some mind calming prescriptions will help me find the balance that I am so eagerly seeking in my life today. It was only upon the second suggestion that I began to listen. Do I need to medicate my mind to find Peace?
I struggle with this on a few levels. To the addict side of things is prescriptions not just another form of drug use, legalized? Looking back on all my years I see how my weed consumption in the beginning was self medication for the monkey mind that was devastating my life. Prior to weed consumption I kept a fairly safe numbed state of well over 200 lbs. Now that I am not using anything to slow this mind down and ease the anxiety that is building within me do I really need a doctors approved pharmaceutical money grabbing drug?
Maybe. Is my quality of life worth it? Will it increase my quality or will I become zombified?
On a deeper level, I believe that everything we need to heal our bodies is in nature. I don't even take headache medication on the belief that if I have one my body is trying to tell me something and I should find the cause before seeking the cure. It is a bit more complicated with anxiety and racing thoughts. They tend to get in the way of reason and cloud my process.
I am having a hard time writing this post out. My mind in a million different places. I guess thats just testimony to where I am at in life as well. Let me try to keep focussed and clearly state my course of action as I have already decided not to seek professional help yet.
I am blessed to have a healer as a dear mentor in my life. She is schooled in the way of herbs and has recommended an elixir that has already begun to bring me peace and some serenity. For that I am entirely grateful. She also pointed out my rapid weight loss of 21lbs in two months may be off setting my hormones. I have also become aware that I am beginning to over indulge in the sugars again and that is never good for my mind. I used to believe it was because it caused me weigh gain but now I realize the sugars fuck with my chemicals in my body.
What was originally thought a couple weeks ago as the disease of addiction manifesting itself in my life, I now realize is my body tellin me it is out of balance. AS Within So Without. If we are not well in our health, body mind and spirit our outer world will reflect that. I always seem to go right into the disease before looking at anything else in my life. Every ill thought, ill feeling or off quilter imbalance in my world is the by product of my disease and guess what? It's not. My whole genetic make up is not about addiction, it is not who I AM. It is a part of me that needs healing but it is not the whole of me. This is a new understanding hat is just beginning to dawn. The light it has shone on my world has filled me with Hope that one day I will bee free of the lifestyle that devastated my little world.
So taking care of my body has been the focus I have been missing these past two months. Bringing myself back to intense meditation has helped me see this. The elixir my mentor gifted me is now beginning to balance my mind and I feel myself returning to the land of the high functioning.
I still do not believe that medication is the way out for everyone. Yet I have made a promise to my friends, even my healer that I will seek out medical advice if this plan does not bring me relief within the next three months. I am open minded these days.......