Thursday, June 13, 2013

How Quickly I Forget

How soon one forgets the hard times.   How quickly we tend to forget where we came from when the going gets good.   Is it arrogance or is it busyness?  Is it that classic out of sight out of mind mentality?   How dangerous is that for the addict that still has the disease of addiction pumping through their veins just waiting for the opportunity to kill them.

Thats where I am today.   Complaining about my lack of time and balance in life.  Stressing about my loss of time in meditation and prayer, lack of meetings and No step work.  To busy working stupid long hours in a physically demanding job, rushing home to cook for my daughter and spend a few moments catching up with her before crashing into my bed.   Is this really life?

..............I do remember a day when my only concern for the entire day was getting loaded.  No job to worry about.  No kids to rush home too.  No prayer other then whining to God that I am outta dope.  Life was so full of suffering and yet I forget so soon those days.  I forget the shear pain of waking up each day to the full misery of what my life had become.   The intense loneliness of isolation.   The pure animalistic nature my personality had assumed.  I forget these things as my life settles back into normal.

My gratitude has been lacking lately.  I have been focussing on the long hours of my job and missing the fact that less then three months ago I was stressing about not having a job at all.  I have been nitpicking my job apart lately where I used to hand it over to my higher power and accept things that rolled in my direction, which always seemed to work out brilliantly.  I have been fighting with my daughter more and my house is far from being taken care of properly.  What is going on with me?

I am taking back my will.  I am losing contact with my higher power.  I am stepping into my Ego.  I am making things go MY way.  How quickly I jump into the driver seat of my life.  When will I learn that I never have a good map to follow and end  up lost in the back woods?   How many times must I cycle through this pattern before I can just stay forever grounded in my higher power?  Is that not a possibility?

I find it hard to work around coworkers that live in their wills for their lives.  At first its so clear to me how much easier their lives would be if they just surrendered and turned it over, but then after time that energy of getting what I want the moment I want it wears off on me and I am back in the drivers seat of my life.  It seems to take me a few weeks before I realize that things are starting to feel shitty in my world and to begin to question why.

Thats where I am right now.  Questioning why I have fallen back into judgement and am not accepting of the way things are.  When I accept life on lifes terms then my life becomes simple and joyful, how come I trade that in for my misery so quickly?   I guess I am truly experiencing how hard it is to break old patterns and ways of thought.  Self sabotage such a huge issue.  I just cannot seem to sit comfortably in happy for two long.  I want to distract myself from it or I want to exaggerate it just to make it ugly.

I am sure this boils down to a worthiness issue.  I question what I am worth alot these days.  I am defining that in the area of romance and the opposite sex and what I am worth to them, but I never thought to step up my worth on the job front or even on the personal level of self care and my higher power.  I touched my own divinity a few months back and really embraced it.  For a short period at least before it got to bright for me and I began to slip back into comfortable.

Can I grab it again and hold it this time?

It looks like I am rained out of work again today.  I think I am going  to use this day to deep clean my house and soul.  Its time I get back to my true power and stop this misery train that I have unknowingly hopped on.  I am sure glad I have this avenue of writing to help me see my life clearly.  Thank you for being part of it.

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