When the meditation from your fellowships literature refers you to a page to read, do you go read it? Or the IP pamphlet? I never do. To be totally honest I still have yet to fully read the blue book. I have read different parts of it during my recovery, but never the full book cover to cover. I am working through the living clean book, which is good but again I lose focus and put it down before I really get anywhere. I enjoy the pamphlets, they are a shorter read and pack more of a punch for me. Not sure why this is, as I am an avid reader and always have a book on the go. But I digress within the first few lines of the post.....
I don't really want to share on this reading today. If you have read it I am sure you can agree that being asked to share at a meeting puts you into that 'gulp' mode and if your seasoned at it your the one that is cracking everyone up with your tales of recovery. What more can I truly add to that?
So instead I am far more amused at my own notes in the margin of the book that just began today. Looks like last year at this time I got pretty involved with my recovery and this daily meditation book. I made a not to myself to share from the heart, not about what I think people want to hear. Which oddly enough I just began practising recently. It takes this old dog a hell of a long time to get a lesson sometimes.
The deeper resonating with my notes in the margins that lead all the way into the June is my pattern of recovery. As I sat with this meditation today I was reminded about how it seams every march is my get clean month, my treatment month or the month I am making big changes in my life. It being spring my goddess loving spirituality tells me that this is the time of new beginnings and fresh energy. So for me it's very easy to go with the flow of Mother Nature and work with the energies made available to me. This is not the popping awareness however.
The fact I am loaded and a mess by the end of summer each year is the brain splitting truth that I truly want to share about today. I see the pattern of bursts of recovery only to be followed by crashes of relapse. I go hard only to hit a wall. This pattern has been so painful and hurt so many of my loved ones that something has to change.
As I read my notes I feel like they are blaring warning signs of what not to do this time around. I am grateful that I left myself little tidbits of information about where I was at last year this time. I am instantly reassured that this year I am in a much different place. I no longer share in meetings for other people's benefit. I share to get guidance and perspective on my own life.... I share from a place of humility not ego. That alone is very different then last year.
Being aware of my summer falls is the first step in taking action not to allow it to happen again. I will up my connections within the fellowship. I will up my self care routines. I will attend a few more meetings when things get uncomfortable for me. I will reach out. I will be of service. I will not allow the sun and fun to be my excuse to isolate and become to busy to put my recovery first. I have learned the hard way that anything I put before my recover... Before my well being..... I lose.
Where are you at today? Have you grown since last year? Have you slipped backwards..... more challenges and less serenity suggests this path. If we are not moving forwards we are moving backwards. Keep on Swimming Dory.