Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Learning to Love yourself through the Grace of Another.
I am going to be honest right off the fly about this topic today, not really wanting to discuss it. However it is the reading from my daily meditation and I feel there is some work I need to process through in this regard so I am going to trust the process of things and write about it anyway.
Having lived a clean and sober life before falling into this destructive pit of drug addiction recently I had a friend that I considered my mentor. I called her for everything, she is almost 20 years my senior. Looking back at it with the knowledge I have now about sponsorship I can see how she was a sponsor in my life. So when I look at what a sponsor is to me and what one is not it is from this model that I draw off of.
Years clean does not create a great sponsor to me. Nor does having worked a set of steps. A sponsor is someone that has what you want. I have learned that what I want changes as I grow. So more specifically I look for a person that has the personality I want, not the life situation. My mentor was a spiritually connected loving individual.. I wanted to learn how to be connected. Now in recovery I find I am seeking the exact same thing but I need someone that understands the workings of an addictive personality to help me get there as this is what my mentor lacked in personal experience.
My experience and where I come from is not the same for all addicts. This is solely my interpretation of a sponsor. I am grateful to have had good trusting relationships before coming into addiction, I am grateful I have not spent my whole life in active drug addiction. I realize today I do have a pretty solid foundation for which I created before landing my broken life in a chair of a twelve step meeting. So for me a sponsor is about setting me back on path.
It did take me a long time to trust my sponsor and a even longer time to learn to accept defects as readily as assets within her personality... for which she was mirroring my own defects and assets that needed to be accepted as well. As the year turned over I realized my gratitude at her ability to sit back and allow me to walk through a process without interfering is exactly the type of sponsor I needed in order to really get it this time. She extended me a grace and a love that was unconditional. I never feared being fired by her or being judged in anyway, yet she would express her frustration over some of my decisions. Which taught me to accept peoples feelings and still make decisions that I felt were necessary for me. And when I fell and crawled back to her, she lifted me up and placed me back on my feet with not one ounce of contention in her actions. I didnt realize when I asked her to be my sponsor that I was looking to learn unconditional love, but today now that I am learning it, I see that her role in my life has been just that.... to teach me to love myself and others unconditionally.
I believe everyone needs one person in there lives that they can trust to guide them through life storms. I dont necessary think this person needs to be a friend and I also dont feel you need to call this person with every single little thing in your life. this person should respect you and you them... thats the key for me. I consider myself so lucky because I actually feel I have three sponsor in my life, all of which get the same story but for which each give me slightly different guidance. This creates a confidence in myself to choose what feels right for me. We each can run our program the way that works for us.... this has worked wonderfully for me as I am about to take my first 6 month tag in over two years of working diligently on the steps.
So if you dont have a mentor in your life, I highly recommend you get one. Again community is the way to your higher power and for me thats what all of our missions in life are to achieve.... connection with the authentic self. Work a program to the best of your ability and dont be afraid to change what is not working. Your goal should be to learn to love yourself.... however that is achieved is the right way for you.