Monday, March 11, 2013
Drinking the resentment poison
I read the daily meditation 3x and sit with the reading for a few minutes between each reading. Today I am being reminded that the more I learn about myself and this program the less I know.
Understanding what a resentment was in the beginning was a huge awakening. Everything made so much sense as to why I went out of my way to hurt family and friends in addiction. Again I am one to always get stuck on the awareness part of things and not really move on from that.
Upon second reading I found myself thinking of how many times I have ran away from the meetings because I was so offended by a fault of another. How many times I have harshly beat myself up for my own faults. How many times I have wanted to fire my sponsor or walk out on a friendship because a fault had surfaced. Where was my acceptance? I couldn't see that I was still stock piling resentments. I was making new ones. This again is a bit shocking to me, as I really believe that once you have worked through your step four all resentments fade and no new ones will be created because now I am aware of what a resentment is and how hard it was to let go of past ones, so I won't create any new ones.
How messed is that thinking?
I am just getting hooked back in to the fellowship and it feels so good to be welcomed back and to be of service to these people that I have so harshly judged in my head. I am just now learning to accept my own faults and to give myself grace when I do something defective. This has given me the ability to accept others for who they are.... Good and not so good. I feel like the rose coloured glasses are coming off and everything is much clearer and brighter.
I guess my next step is action. Working through my defects and judgments and allowing others there faults. Practicing compassion and unconditional love for myself and for all my family within the fellowship and outside of it.