Saturday, March 23, 2013
My Topic today is about Prayer and Meditation.
Of all the steps, the eleventh one is by far my favourite and the one that has the most impact on my life. If you have been reading my posts I am sure you are already highly aware of that as I rant often about meditation.
There is a reason why I spend so much time and focus on this topic, its because I have lots of experience in this area. I have also come to understand the benefits it has in my life on a wide scale. When ever we as humans I think get excited about something that has worked for us we naturally want to share it with others. We are not generally a cruel race, we naturally enjoying sharing. For me that sharing is the gift of peace a serenity found in mediation.
In active addiction I spent alot of time praying and whining to any power that would listen to me. I begged for death, begged for life, begged for money, begged for freedom from the obsession of money, begged for my dealer to hurry up, begged for him to go away. I have talked to the God of the passing current understanding so much that I got sick of talking. I got tired of my own whining and pleading. I also got tired of not being heard. I found myself even more angry at this stupid God that seemed to be there for everyone else but me. I was done praying.
Prior to active addiction, I didnt so much believe in prayer. I had already written God off in my life. However I met a wonderful friend who turned me on to meditation. Its effects in my life were instant. The calmness that the focus of learning different forms of meditation brought to my mind helped ease the chaos in my life. After time I learned to direct my thoughts within my meditations to create situations and opportunities in my life that were beneficial to me and my family. The power of mediation began effecting job opportunities, relationship connections and so many other things. My general well being increased substantially. I didn't understand then how it worked I just knew it did and I was riding the success train into the clouds.
Then I stopped meditating. I stopped connecting. I slowly began to descend from the clouds until i crashed violently into the ground and into active addiction. I lost contact with a power greater then myself that at the time I didnt even realize I had established a relationship with. My anger at God for allowing me to be abused as a child prevented me then from praying or asking for guidance, but meditation took me there without even my awareness. My life got better because I was listening to the guidance of a higher power that I didn't even realize I was doing that.
Today coming into the 12 steps has blown the understanding and awareness wide open to what was going on in my life then and when I fell into active addiction. Now that I am coming out of it I see how my prayers are whining complaints to God and my meditations were patient listening for guidance. In my childhood I felt abandoned by God as did I in my addiction. Thats why my prayers are attacks on my higher powers abilities and qualities. I can see that clearly today only because of what the twelve steps have given me.
The 11 step is so fundamental for my understanding because now I see how to ask properly and wait patiently for the guidance. I am able to marry prayer and mediation to create an incredible viable, tangible relationship with my higher power. Some days I almost feel a physical presence of my higher self sitting with me as I pray and listen. I never feel alone any more because the awareness of that energy is always with me. The more I sit in silence with myself the more I am communicating with an energy that is for MY highest good.
I have been called flaky, hoakey and just down right weird in my life because of my spiritual beliefs and practices. However this program has taught me how to have a healthy relationship with myself and no longer do those comments stop me from being who I am. Its uncomfortable learning to stand in my own truth, but the more I do it the more excited I become about learning what else is locked away within me. I could not be more in love with this program then I am right now.... lol I just came out of mediation, can you tell??
I hope that you all find your way to your higher Power and are able to receive the wonderful gifts that they are eager to bestow on you. My love goes out to you.