Friday, March 15, 2013

Are you a part of?

Topic:  Fellowship

Always looking at my part in something has me digging deeper into where I am at mentally, spiritually and physically.   I struggle with after meeting coffees that I am invited too.   I never really understood why, it is just uncomfortable.   So when asked most times I say no unless there are people going that I am really comfortable with already.  After reading and sitting to reflect on this reading I think I may be embarking on an understanding as to why that is.

Small talk.

What is that?    Honestly what is small talk?  Logically i obviously understand the concept of it, but where in my life have I practiced it?  Upon digging deeper, I can see how all my conversations are deep and serious.  My life is deep and serious.  My relationships are all deep and serious.   Where is the lightness in my life?   I guess that slipped away from me when I began to travel the dark realms of addiction hell.    Learning to live in the light has proven more uncomfortable then I first thought.

Chit chat with new people is a light action.   Coffee after the meetings has no agenda and people are there because they are enjoying themselves and each other.   It's a different vibe then the serious tone of a do or die meeting.   I am comfortable with the do or die meeting.   Not so much with the light fun coffee afterwards.    How unbelievably odd is that?   I feel so odd outside the fellowship and within it.

I see now having coffee with fellow addicts after the meetings is part of learning a new way to live.   It's not like I never was able to small chat before, it's not a new concept for me, but it is a returning to earth again and that is a shaky transition.

Thinking of it a bit more deeply and getting even more honest, I also fear the intimacy with my fellow addicts.  Sharing myself fully means opening up and I think I have been shut down so long that the doors to my inner self are rusted shut.   In a meeting I can keep to the deep topics of addiction, at coffee I would be more inclined to share my day and what's happening in my world.  That is a bit more challenging for me.  I am a Virgo and we love our privacy, it's hard for me to open my book up for people to read.

Learning a new way is the goal thought, right?   Maybe I will be the one to instigate coffee after my next meeting.

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