Friday, March 15, 2013
Are you a part of?
Always looking at my part in something has me digging deeper into where I am at mentally, spiritually and physically. I struggle with after meeting coffees that I am invited too. I never really understood why, it is just uncomfortable. So when asked most times I say no unless there are people going that I am really comfortable with already. After reading and sitting to reflect on this reading I think I may be embarking on an understanding as to why that is.
What is that? Honestly what is small talk? Logically i obviously understand the concept of it, but where in my life have I practiced it? Upon digging deeper, I can see how all my conversations are deep and serious. My life is deep and serious. My relationships are all deep and serious. Where is the lightness in my life? I guess that slipped away from me when I began to travel the dark realms of addiction hell. Learning to live in the light has proven more uncomfortable then I first thought.
Chit chat with new people is a light action. Coffee after the meetings has no agenda and people are there because they are enjoying themselves and each other. It's a different vibe then the serious tone of a do or die meeting. I am comfortable with the do or die meeting. Not so much with the light fun coffee afterwards. How unbelievably odd is that? I feel so odd outside the fellowship and within it.
I see now having coffee with fellow addicts after the meetings is part of learning a new way to live. It's not like I never was able to small chat before, it's not a new concept for me, but it is a returning to earth again and that is a shaky transition.
Thinking of it a bit more deeply and getting even more honest, I also fear the intimacy with my fellow addicts. Sharing myself fully means opening up and I think I have been shut down so long that the doors to my inner self are rusted shut. In a meeting I can keep to the deep topics of addiction, at coffee I would be more inclined to share my day and what's happening in my world. That is a bit more challenging for me. I am a Virgo and we love our privacy, it's hard for me to open my book up for people to read.
Learning a new way is the goal thought, right? Maybe I will be the one to instigate coffee after my next meeting.