Are you a part of?

Topic:  Fellowship

Always looking at my part in something has me digging deeper into where I am at mentally, spiritually and physically.   I struggle with after meeting coffees that I am invited too.   I never really understood why, it is just uncomfortable.   So when asked most times I say no unless there are people going that I am really comfortable with already.  After reading and sitting to reflect on this reading I think I may be embarking on an understanding as to why that is.

Small talk.

What is that?    Honestly what is small talk?  Logically i obviously understand the concept of it, but where in my life have I practiced it?  Upon digging deeper, I can see how all my conversations are deep and serious.  My life is deep and serious.  My relationships are all deep and serious.   Where is the lightness in my life?   I guess that slipped away from me when I began to travel the dark realms of addiction hell.    Learning to live in the light has proven more uncomfortable then I first thought.

Chit chat with new people is a light action.   Coffee after the meetings has no agenda and people are there because they are enjoying themselves and each other.   It's a different vibe then the serious tone of a do or die meeting.   I am comfortable with the do or die meeting.   Not so much with the light fun coffee afterwards.    How unbelievably odd is that?   I feel so odd outside the fellowship and within it.

I see now having coffee with fellow addicts after the meetings is part of learning a new way to live.   It's not like I never was able to small chat before, it's not a new concept for me, but it is a returning to earth again and that is a shaky transition.

Thinking of it a bit more deeply and getting even more honest, I also fear the intimacy with my fellow addicts.  Sharing myself fully means opening up and I think I have been shut down so long that the doors to my inner self are rusted shut.   In a meeting I can keep to the deep topics of addiction, at coffee I would be more inclined to share my day and what's happening in my world.  That is a bit more challenging for me.  I am a Virgo and we love our privacy, it's hard for me to open my book up for people to read.

Learning a new way is the goal thought, right?   Maybe I will be the one to instigate coffee after my next meeting.

Relationship... What is that?

Topic:  Relationships

What a hot topic this one is in the rooms of our meetings.  My first and only thought for the longest time, until just recently actually was the relationship of the romantic kind.   I was either all for it or all against it depending on the stage my own romance was at.   Last night I officially made the final break in my toxic two year roller coaster ride of a relationship with a man from the rooms.   This was the third time I have 'officially' broken up with him.   I won't go back on my word this time, I feel much differently about relationships through my understanding of the fourth step and the entire program.

Having the limited beleif that romantic relationships were the most important relationship in my life robbed me of some truly great relationships with other women, my children and my own mother and family.   I was always so absorbed in a man that I lost sight of everything and everyone else... Including myself.  The first relationship you need to build is with yourself.   This is what the fourth step try's to teach us.  By looking at our part in our relationship interactions we get to know who we are and how we communicate.   I could not see any of that while I was trapped in a toxic relationship that was always keeping my entire being locked into his.

The freedom I experienced the last time we broke up for six months, I got to see how intolerant I am. How manipulative I am, and how closed minded I am.   These things I could not see while a man was standing by my side telling me how great I was.  I have had to stand in friendships without my man to hide behind when I didn't want to face a conflict.   I have had to reach out to others in my times of need, lacking my man to comfort me.   These have all been great truths in learning who I am and how I function within relationships across the board.

I find I have way more love and time to give to my children.  I am sure they are all kinda creeped out by this new Hugh mom they have... Actually my oldest jokes about her party mom turning into 'nanny McFee'.   It's a good feeling.  I have gone out of my way to work through my resentments and uncomfortable feelings with my mother, healing very old dark wounds.  I am gearing up to rekindle my relationship with my estranged brother.  These are all things I did not have energy for when I was chasing my next compliment from my boyfriend.

I feel grateful and free today.  This program hasn't given me my life back, it has given me a whole new life.    I pray that more people find their ways to the 12 steps from whatever fellowship fits them.  This world would be a much better place if we all fell in love with ourselves.