Thursday, March 28, 2013
You are not Your Feelings
Quick run and hide!! Slam your laptop shut. Ugh, who the hell wants to pick at this... ever? Gross. My beautiful daughter once told a psychiatrist that feelings were like pee's, you dont like to eat them but you know they are good for you. I thought the professional was gonna fall out of his chair laughing. My wise daughter.
I have spent my whole life stuffing and controlling my feelings. Feelings were not allowed in my home growing up. My dad was a raging alcoholic that needed the house silent while he battled the demons of the bottle in his head. My mother was a master at hiding her true feelings, A living Cathy's clown. Smile pasted on the outside broken and destitute on the inside. I was a very confused child growing up being sexually abused and having all these adult feelings and being taught to suppress them. So I did.
In my adult years I continued to do just that. I got so good at it, I had no idea what was a true emotion for me and what was a socially acceptable one. I became a clone of the masses, a drone programmed to feel and act the way everyone else did. If I felt something that didn't match what I felt was acceptable I ate a pound cake and that took care of that. When I lost all my weight things got really tricky for me. I could no longer mask the feelings with food. Dope was a very welcome replacement.
With Dope I could not only distract the feeling but I could also induce happiness... where the hell had this been all my life?? I was in heaven. I was reminded of how I got through all my teen years. Picked up where i left off and didn't turn back until a trusted co-worker lead me into the rooms of a twelve step fellowship that showed me what my true problem was....
I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I let my thoughts and feelings control my life. When I am not using my feelings feel like they own me and when I am doped up I feel like I am in control of them. Of course most people know that this is all an illusion and not even close to the truth.
I have two books that I am reading about emotional intelligence that are teaching me how feelings work in our bodies and how they are as irrational as many of our thought's in our head. Feelings do not dictate where we are at or what's going on in our lives. Feelings are not always accurate nor are the the thoughts we have. I am learning through these books how to determine what is a healthy feeling and what is not.
I am learning that I do indeed feel in exaggerated forms. Simple sadness to me is a full blown self suicidal attack. Mild attraction to a man is a complete soul mated attraction that must be acted on right now because I cannot control these wildly great feelings. I have shared with my sponsor how offended I am by my own feelings. I find I am more disgusted today by the thoughts and feelings I have allowed my life to be dictated by for so long.
Again this pulls me back to meditation and prayer folks. Its only been through learning to sit quietly with my feelings and thoughts that are creating havoc for me and praying for them to be lifted. Its in these moments of silence where I learn if the feeling is an accurate feeling meant to be acted upon or if it is one that is created out of a deeper fear of something. My true nature is revealed during these moments of silence. I beleive it is why the first three and last three steps of the 12 steps are focussed on learning to contact your higher power. It is only through prayer and mediation that I have been able to determine between a healthy feeling and a not so healthy one.
Today I still have a magnitude of yucky feelings that come up and it takes me several days to work through some of them. Meetings are a great place to speak out these processes and get feed back from people going through something similar. Our feelings and thoughts are trying to kill us, by bringing them into the light of a meeting they hold no power over us. Its the process of surrender in the moment. Give the thoughts or feelings to the group... We will take them for you and leave you with serenity.
Again as in everyday, I have so much gratitude for this program and my life today. Feelings are something everyone in the world must learn to make friends with. The twelve steps showed me the way.