....The steps are our solution. They are our survival kit. They are our defence against addiction, a deadly disease. Our steps are the principals that make our recovery possible. Basic text, p. 19
Hello my name is Brandy and I am a grateful recovering addict.
The steps have been the answer to my problems. I find myself feeling sorry for people that struggle with their lives but don't have a drug or alcohol addiction and have not been able to access the twelve steps. These steps are truly the spiritual awakening I have longed for, for a very long time. I just had no idea they would be this painful at times.
Last night after a suggestion from a very dear friend I opened my step working guide and began writing out another step one. I truly believed having went through an entire set of steps I would never open that book again. I could identify a step working itself in my life so clearly that I didn't figure I would have to actively seek answers like the first time around again. I was wrong. Terribly wrong.
My obsession over my ex boyfriend has left me completely depleted of energy and any though other then him, and no other feeling then anger and resentment towards him. I could not get above it these past couple weeks no matter how hard I tried to control it. I upped my meetings, reached out more to the women in the program, did more service work. Yet the obsession just kept growing. I was even aware it was obsession and was talking to God and meditating through the entire process yet nothing was lifting the cloud I was walking deeper into. That is until I opened my step working guide to page one and answered the question..... How is my addiction manifesting itself in my life today?
After working through the entire first step on just my obsession over my ex, I realized my obsession isn't even about my ex. It's about having any man take care of me because I don't truly feel that I can. You see I am unemployed and struggling to stay on my feet. My obsession is my addicts way of distracting me from the tasks at hand and keeping me on my ass, instead of walking strongly into my future. This is how my addict will kill me, by causing me to fail. Brining me to a place of self pity so that I numb out the pain with dope and begin the entire circle all over again.
I am humbled again today and find feelings rushing back to me. Feelings that were starting to become choked out by anger and fear. I am learning I can feel fear and not be over taken by it..... It's when I try to deny the fear that anger takes over and destroys everything. It's okay to be freaked out that I don't have a job. It's that fear that propels me forward to seek out a job. Anger holds me back and focuses me in the wrong direction causing me to miss great opportunities. Now that I am back in my feelings I know what I have to do this week to release that fear and keep moving forward.
I am not going to fail this time because I am walking the steps to my own salvation, to my own new and healthy self that is just waiting for me on the other side. I have a strong support circle and I am doing the work. Failure is a part of success and coming to believe again has been the trip I needed to regain my footing.
Just for today: I want everything my personal program has to offer. I will work the steps for myself.
Thank you for letting me share. I am a grateful recovering addict named Brandy.