Wednesday, March 27, 2013
My Process of Judging Myself
I have fallen victim to this judgement train that carried me right out of the fellowship that saved my life, not once but twice. Learning who we are is about be able to accept the good with the not so good. I was completely unable to accept the not so good within myself and therefor others.
Step six helps us uncover those defects of character that have molded us into the addict that we are. By taking a look at those qualities within myself I was able to understand my step four much clearer and my part in the resentments created in my life. It also awarded me the humility to make my amends come step nine. Character defects are tools we use to create the new life that we are seeking. They are a gift.
I can say this because I had a guide walking along side me during my steps that pointed out an asset for every defect I had. That process softened the blow for my mind and heart. I was able to look at myself with compassion and therefor after the two falls from over judgement I was able to accept other peoples defects with compassion as well. It was only during this third go round on the steps that I was able to see both sides of the coin.
Prior to that understanding I was chest deep in my own defects and those around me. I have learned that each person I communicate with is a mirror for me. Each time a persons character resonates with me I have come to learn it is something I also embody or seek to embody. Even deeper still its a character trait that I have yet have not acknowledged yet. A wise friend once stated... Spot it, you got it! Its from this understanding that I now see why I ran away from the fellowship those times, I could not accept within myself those qualities I detested in my new friends.
As I began to grow up, in the early stages, I started to have new challenges with judgement. It was not so much the spot it you got it that was getting me caught up, it was the..... your not doing it my way... that caught me. As I began to develop my personality and become confident in who I was, then I assumed everyone else was becoming the same person as me. It makes sense doesnt it? If everyone shared my defects then everyone must share my new personality too..... we are not unique. Right?
I see that this concept does not transfer as we grow in this area of judgement. We may all come in to the program the same beaten down animalistic way, but as we grow we become individual beautiful shining lights of our own highest power. Judgement on the way to that highest power is from a more loving place, yet is still the same judgement that wants us dead from disease. We now want everyone to do it our way because our way is the best way. We want everyone to embrace the assets we are displaying. The judgement comes when we dont understand their way or their assets.
Lack of understanding is where judgement resides and when we let that grow fear grows with it. Fear serves love but love cannot reside within fear. When a person feels that there way is the only way its because they fear any other way. This is judgement and for that the disease is alive and well, in the guise of protection and control.
As I moved into the light I had to let go of the need to understand everyone else's personality I had to let go of my closest friends defects or even positive assets that I personally didnt think were positive. Because i realized that we are all indeed different, we are all unique. We may not be unique when we come into the program but as we grow into our highest power we do become unique individuals I can now see the people in my support grow and flourish within their own personal strengths and I am now able to see how each one of us compliment each other. Its so incredible to me to be part of a network of people that draw strength from each other and share each others gifts for the betterment of our little world.
Looking back I see how I have went from very small and self absorbed focussed on character defects to growing up a bit and passing judgement on those around me that didnt share my assets, to a place where I can lovingly embrace everyone's assets and defects. I am humbled and awed by the process the twelve steps have allowed me. Some days I truly wonder how much love I can handle in my life. Then I stop and think about the serenity this program promises and I realize, the program delivered.